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...I wonder if your XW occasionally has the same kind of incorrect assumptions? In which case, perhaps you could approach these types of conversations differently?

Hi Azhira.

From your comments, I think we may have several personality traits in common (too bad for you \:\( ). I also have noticed that many of the better IT workers tend toward ratiocination. (That's why many of us carry the title, "Analyst".)

I attended college on a debate scholarship. I have always enjoyed the verbal jousting of a spirited discussion. The word "argument" holds no negative connotations for me. Debate is an intellectual exercise on a par with chess.

My XW does not share my appreciation for the fine art of rational discourse -- which is absolutely fine; many people don't. Most women I have known prefer to talk about how they feel about something, rather than what they think about it. (You are evidently an exception to that broad generalization.)

Anyway, early in our R, I frequently (but unintentionally) antagonized my XW by failing to recognize that I had pushed her too far. What began as a friendly conversation often ended as an emotional "fight". I remember her telling me that, "Just because you may be more articulate than I am does not make you right." At that, I would laugh good-naturedly, to show that I had no animosity toward her. She tended to misinterpret my laughter as condescension, which often only made her furious.

I finally decided that I would rather "lose" an argument than sleep on the couch.

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Is there any way she could bring your son to your place when he has homework trouble? Or some other sort of neutral arrangement?

Yes, but I'm not sure that it would be any better for my kids. The Family Court Judge's "final" ruling on my XW's temporary restraining order surprised me--especially considering how much I paid my "highly-recommended" lawyer to represent my interests. He removed the supervised visitation provision, but left in place the restrictions preventing me from having any contact with my XW. (My attorney's spin on this is that the judge did not believe my XW's assertions that I represent a threat to her or the kids. On the other hand, he granted her wish to be protected from any potential coercion or harassment from me.)

I am prohibited from initiating any contact with my XW. That includes making any personal appearances at her house. The judge's order actually stipulates that all transfer of children must take place at a particular sheriff's department precinct HQ. So, to follow his ruling to the letter, I can't pick my kids up from school or from my parents' or in-laws' home or even from church. Neither can I deliver them to my XW at any of those locations. The rationale, according to my overpaid attorney, is that the judge was protecting me from potential false charges from my XW by ensuring that all interactions between us occurs in a well-lighted location with uniformed law enforcement personnel present, 24/7.

This plan is a logistical nightmare. Besides, there is a 24/7 parade of criminal suspects being booked and incarcerated at our official rendezvous point. You can imagine the scene: bleeding, loud, cursing drunks, prostitutes and meth-heads stumbling into & out of police cars. (Think "Cops" uncensored.)

Any suggestions?


A successful man earns more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who marries such a man.Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.