I'm sorry things went ballistic on you without your input. I don't for one minute believe that you could have stonewalled the elders. You did the right thing under the circumstances and she suffered consequences of her own actions. Unfortunately your wife blames you for everything, and I guess OM finds that you to be a convenient sacrificial lamb too. You are not responsible for their sins. Too bad they are not adult enough to take responsibility for their own actions. She will continue to cut her nose off to spite her face. Perhaps someday she will she understand all that she stands to lose by her actions.
Ditto here. I too am responsible for outting H's affairs to everyone (not necessarily shouting it from rooftops, but not hiding it either), and though I realize it can/will make it more difficult for him to return to good standing with everyone, it IS a consequence of horrible behavior, and not my responsibility to cover up.
So sorry it blew up for you. Hang in there--peaceful days will come.
theo, I am so sorry about the turn. Remember, she is an alien, you are invading her 'sacred' alien safe territory, but it couldn't be helped. I am thinking of you.
The relationship with the OM was on it's tail end. It would have been nice, however, to see it evaporate of it's own accord. He was not leaving his wife, but still stringing mine along.
For the immediate future, it seems the affair is over. The OM's wife may leave him, but it seems she wants to work it out.
Tonight my wife wanted to have a R talk. We went into our car. She handed me two emails. The first was a letter from OM's wife to my wife. Angry, bitter, trailer-trash kind of letter. The gist is that OM presented himself as victim who was seduced by my wife and that she took advantage of him. My wife saw right through this BS and is rather pissed/disappointed with him.
The second email was my wife's brief response to the email, indicating that she was sorry for hurting OM's wife.
We talked about it. I told my wife that it's quite impressive how she can bring the trailer trash out in people (we both laughed).
My wife still feels like we need a separation. She feels that there are parts of me that can't/won't change and that I don't want to address the marriage problems we had before the affair became an issue.
She still doesn't see how an affair affects the LBS and makes them not really focus on much other than the affair. It's kind of, "Put the affair to the side and focus on the other issues in our marriage." No point in discussing this at length -- she can't understand the mind of a betrayed LBS spouse. Nor can she understand that while in an affair whatever changes the LBS does, they won't be noticed by WAS.
Anyhow, I appreciated my wife's openness and honesty. I felt lighter after our talk.
The OM is probably out of the picture. Strange but true.
Time to focus on me. Back to GAL.
I had a great conversation with Frank_D tonight. It was tremendously encouraging. He ennumerated the changes he saw in me. He reminded me that I'm a healer. Yes, I'm still leaning into the fear too much, but I'm getting better. He reminded me of who I am. WOW. Thanks Frank.
I also talked to MC today in my dark hours. Thanks for the pep talk bro. You held my arms up.
What am I walking away with tonight?
1. I've got to be OK. I have no choice.
2. If I'm OK, the kids will be OK, whatever the outcome.
3. If I'm OK, maybe the marriage can flourish.
4. If I'm not OK, I lose, my kids lose and the marriage ends.
5. What does OK mean? It means I need to grow into full spiritual manhood. Put away the fear. Act decisively, yet with compassion. Enjoy and delight in life.
2. If I'm OK, the kids will be OK, whatever the outcome.
3. If I'm OK, maybe the marriage can flourish.
4. If I'm not OK, I lose, my kids lose and the marriage ends.
5. What does OK mean? It means I need to grow into full spiritual manhood. Put away the fear. Act decisively, yet with compassion. Enjoy and delight in life.
Theo - Going to hijack this sentiment and walk away tonight with the same list. Great stuff!
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
Wow. That was such a fantastic post and the end was a great reminder of what you need to be like, (and I am sure CAN do).
Already your W has shown you glimmers of hope I think. Sharing OM's W's email and her response is good; that must have hurt her to get that email and deal with it. To be able to laugh together, even at something so grim, shows there is still a good connection in there somewhere. I do believe that if you separate at the worst you will remain friends. If that is the case your children will be fine.
I expect things will change so fast now and your W's emotions will be all over the place. In the end though I think this truly will bring you some much needed resolution into what was a 'ticking time bomb' situation. OM'w W now knows and everyone now knows her reaction. That she wants to try to work things out with her H can only be a relief as is Om's rejection of your W.
I understand what you are saying about your W's lack of understanding re LBS feelings but it is early days and she needs time. She has been very rejected. Even if things were nearly over, if she did love OM - or even just think she did - it is still an extra kick to be rejected for someone else. You know that; you have lived with those feelings a long time. Unfortunately for a while I think she will be "Woe is me" still but she will start to then look forward and if you have been consistent in your actions then she will notice the changes.
Your advisors are so right - you are blessed to have them. Please heed there advice and make sure you are OK. Then as they so rightly say, your children will be OK and the rest will flow from that.
You take care my fine friend.
(((((HUGS))))))))
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I don't think you could/should have done anything different w/ the church and the OM. Whether you "shared" your knowledge or not, they would have known everything. If OM is willing to commit adultery, he should not hold any position in the Church, although that's just my opinion.
Your W can be mad at you for it, but it would have happened whether you contributed or not.
Sounds to me like she may finally *figure* things out. She'll probably need time to clear her head and then she will wonder what the H*LL she was thinking, however, you will be there to lovingly assure her that your M CAN be ok in spite of all you've been through. At that point, she will realize who has stuck by her through her "shenanigans."
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
You have helped me and SOOOOO many of us out here - we are all praying for you.
**** You need to go and read what you posted to me in the earlier days. All those times you talked about NOT GIVING INTO THE FEAR... *** This is hard - my fear almost consumed me last week and did not help our sitch at all. We are off to a Retro weekend this Friday - this may be our last hope...either way I will be okay with or without him. I am just so tired too - need to take care of me...
You have lost your mojo somewhere along the way (understandably) and you need to get it back - take care of you and have the faith you need to get you through this. God has a plan for you and I am sure it involves great things! Take care!!
HB (yes still HB)
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
I know you're feeling beaten Theo. I'm so sorry this is so rough. You do have a choice though--the choice of being okay is entirely yours. You will be okay--you are a warrior, you have an incredible spirit, and the ultimate source of strength is at your side always. ((hugs))
