I Belong Over Here

[RedHeadWife]

I recoil thinking of those times.

Oh, girl, I know what you mean. I get sick to my stomach when at times I think of the things I did to get our M to where it was prior to the D sitch. I think the worst thing ever would have been not to have had this second chance to "make things right." Back then, I had to forgive myself for MY transgressions in my M -- I knew that if I did not forgive myself and allowed myself to beat myself up and have all sorts of regrets, that I would not be able to live w/ myself.

Journaling . . . .

I have not allowed myself to think too much about H actually coming home (some of you don't know, he's deployed for a year). Although the year is going by so very fast. He will be home for a month in December and then will be home for good in May.

I'm not *worried* about H coming home and that things could go bad again, but then again I guess I would be lying if I said that was really true (did that even make sense?).

I really think that we are going to be better than ever. I honestly just can't wait for us to actually be able to get on w/ rebuilding our lives and our M. Things were really only *ok/good* for about a month before he left and weren't really all that great at that. Things were still really uncomfortable for me, I still felt I was walking on eggshells, I didn't feel like I could bring up anything to do w/ our R/M w/o maybe changing his mind about staying so here he was leaving for a year and I still felt very insecure.

I felt more & more confident in myself as the first few months went by; I quit dwelling on the whole sitch so much, including the OW and what H may decide to do while deployed. I started to feel more comfortable talking to H about R stuff; not all the time, but felt I could ask questions I needed answered, etc.

Fast forward to my trip over there and things were great. He told me one night that he didn't want me to be afraid anymore that things weren't going to be ok w/ us. He constantly tells me how much he loves me. We had a really good time together. We held hands EVERYWHERE we went. Just really enjoyed each other.

Fast forward again to my recent surgery. He was A LOT more supportive than he had been when I had a few other hospital stays about a year 1/2 ago. At that time, I don't know if he was involved in EA yet or not, but he certainly wasn't "there" for me emotionally at all. I kind of sensed it, but looking back now, I really see it. He actually seemed CONCERNED this time about me and my well-being, etc.

The other day, I asked again if we were truly ok. He is actually here in the States attending a seminar. He won't be "stopping by" here b/c that would subtract from his time in December and it would really screw up the boys for him to be here for 2 days and then gone again. Anyway, a day or so after I got out of the hospital, I had a dream that he had cheated on me -- I guess it was subconsciously knowing he was going on a *trip* w/in his deployment and could potentially meet someone or have the opportunity to cheat on me. Anyway, I just said I had had a bad dream and it had just left me feeling a bit "disturbed." He actually sent me an email that said that he wants me to know how much he loves me and that we are wonderful and that my dreams actually haunt HIM b/c he doesn't want me to worry about us all the time.

So, I guess my sitch is going ok. It's a bit different since I'm piecing, but my H is not even here and hasn't been since pretty much the time we began piecing.

I have my ups & downs, but thankfully for the most part, WAY UPS. I am so thankful that I actually got a second chance to make my M better. Yes, H had a lot to do w/ the breakdown of our M and he was the one that cheated, etc., but I also have now been given the opportunity to figure out my shortcomings in the M and fix those. I am so glad that we actually went through our sitch, as I know now that we will have a way better M than we ever would have if it had not happened.

I know that every day will not be perfect and we will have our problems, but I hope that we have learned that we need to deal w/ them head-on and COMMUNICATE w/ each other. I hope that H has learned, as well as I have, that marriage takes work and effort, it doesn't necessarily just come naturally.