Ok well I think I have decided my course. The question is can I stick to it and not get discouraged again...
After my post we went out to dinner and had a great time. It kind of cemented in my mind what does actually work with W. We were talking and laughing and having fun, at one point I was rubbing her thigh and she told me that I had to stop otherwise we'd end up in bed together. That to me is a major sign that something I'm doing is working.
What was different? Confidence. I've been thinking about what I've always done in the M and what I've been doing lately. Obviously, since she wants a S whatever I've been doing hasn't been working. What I've been doing is not pursuing, giving her space, trying to pretend I'm not affected by what she's doing, acting as if, etc. Basic DB stuff. It's gotten me nowhere.
DB says no pursuing. But it also says to do 180's and do something different. I have NEVER pursued W. When we met, she pursued me. Heavily. I was hesitant, she knew what she wanted and went after it. During our entire M, I've kind of laid back and let her take the lead. She has always been the initiator and the decision maker. Even lately during our crisis, she's called the shots.
I think I need to pursue her. Not in the obvious superficial way, but in the confident not giving up I know what I want and I'm going to get it fashion. Through this entire process I've been operating on preparing myself for the possibility that we won't make it. And I think that's holding me back. If I'm going to do this, I need to do it 100%. In other words, be confident that I can get her back, stop taking no for an answer.
Pursuing her is a challenge. After she told me how unhappy she'd been, I tried pursuing by buying her gifts and making superficial shows of my love for her. That failed. Why? It was a needy reactive pursuit. What I need to do is pursue her with love, not neediness. Make it clear that I don't need her, but I want her and I'm going to get her.
This is what I learned tonight. She can't resist me. When I'm confident and happy and fun and naughty, she is drawn to me. I mean, she actually told me tonight I had to stop or we'd end up in bed. Big sign. Might as well have a flashing neon sign above her head saying 'what you are doing is working'. I've never had confidence in our R, I've always let her have it her way. But it seems the confident, persistent yet gentle love is the thing that gets to her. Not demanding, not needy, just quiet gentle persistent love. What woman can resist that. Like the ladies said in this thread, women love a man who doesn't give up, as long as he does it the right way.
So what does this translate to? No more "it's probably over but I'm going to give it a half hearted effort". It is not over, I'm going to give it 100% and if my heart gets stomped on in the end at least I'll know I held nothing back. When she rejects me, I'm going to keep smiling and keep on keeping on knowing that she'll be back. When she does things that hurt me I'll view it as her challenge to keep on loving her. Gentle persistent love, that's my motto.
And now the challenging part, that many may disagree with. I'm going for the separation. No resisting there. It may bite me in the ass in the end but I'm going to sacrifice the battle to win the war. Why? This isn't the end. She needs time and space to get over her resentment. I will give it to her. I think this will work to my advantage in several ways. First, it will clearly demonstrate that I'm not needy. Second, by doing this and still being confident and happy she will see that I am truly a different person. Finally, in order for us to have a future together she must choose me. In order for her to make that choice, I have to let her go. Otherwise she is just sticking around due to circumstances and not her choice. As my therapist said, it's not so much a matter of opening the cage door as it is taking the cage away.
I'm looking at this as catching the dogs when they get loose. If you chase them, they run harder. If you sit at home and wait for them to come home, you never see them again. The winning strategy is to pace them, hang back a bit but keep on following, waiting for them to tire and come to you.
