I posted quite a while back under the newcomer section, as I didn't really know where I belonged. Unfortunately, I now know where my post belongs. A little history: Me: 36 W: 44 Married almost 7; Together 8+. I have two children from first marriage: D12, S9. We have D5 together
After a summer of suspecting it, and trying to make things better, It's finally been confirmed my wife was involved in an EA ( I believe that is all - technically what is the line between EA/PA? Actual sex? - does a kiss or several make a difference?) with a superior at work. The way it was discovered, I am not proud of (heavy snooping - I know DON'T SNOOP), and let's just say because of that, I've introduced some trust issues as well. I can justify it (in my own mind) at times, as having no choice, I needed the answer - but it's still not me.. not who I am, or how I am, and there is no justification. Insanity was knocking at my door.
I believe the EA is over, and she wants us to work. I do too - *sometimes*. Daily I run the gamut from wanting to give it my all, to throwing my arms in the air and saying F-it. We've set up a session with a counselor this week. I just really don't know how I'll ever get over the betrayal and mistrust. The thought that she could let something go so far as to be thinking about a life with someone else, and never try to work on the problem with me. I also cannot get past the fact that I gave her multiple opportunities to be honest with me, she swore on everything that there was not, and had not been anyone. Instead, let me go ALL OUT, trying to make things better, make myself better (books, etc.), when there really was a problem. I completely bottomed out this summer worrying about it. And had I not had proof, I still wouldn't know about it. She truly seems relieved that it is finally out in the open, and wants things to work... but I'm all over the board.
I find it horribly frustrating that me finding out can be viewed as serious of betrayal as the A - or even in the same ballpark. Honestly, it was self preservation - it was going to do me in.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, any thoughts, advice, or even a slap in the face, would be appreciated. How do you get past something like this? Fundamentally, what are the primary things that have to happen, to even start? Leave her job? Stop all contact? We've agreed we are basically at square one.. no where to go but up.
Will this ever stop eating a hole in my heart and soul? Does time help?
I guess first off I say get to the counseling session....give it a chance, see how it goes. Trust me, as one who knows all to well, the trust (if you're willing to try) will take a LONG time to come back. It WILL get better. Unfortunately, I am on my second time around on this board. Guess I fell of my DB wagon the last time.
As far as the snooping? As I've been told, snooping to find out what was going on and verify something was actually happening....okay. It's now that you know and that it's out in the open that the snooping has to stop.
The people on this board and this forum are the most amazing people I have ever come in contact with. Just keep coming here and posting, venting, asking questions. I'm still in the midst of my sitch.....H knows I know, but I don't believe he's ended things. There are others who are starting to piece their M's back together. They ALL have wonderful thoughts. This is also a great place to come and laugh. I'm amazed at how I come on to vent or cry about things and I come away laughing. Not because it's a funny thing we're all dealing with, but we've found ways to lighten each others lives.
I'll be anxious to see how things go for you and what people have to say. Stay with us. I feel great for you that your W wants to work things out. It will get better.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Bwildered - sorry to see you here but as I've learned over these past few weeks, it's good to get out into "general population" and look to these folks for help, support and advice. If nothing else, it has given me a place to open up and let it all out.
I had to snoop in order to get confirmation that something was going on as well. I didn't feel an ounce of guilt doing this although my wife did try to convince me that my actions were unscrupulous - hah!
I am currently going through the same back and forth feelings. One day I feel like I can overcome the pain and trust issues and that we can build a new marriage, a better marriage. There are days, however where I just want to scrap the whole thing because I let it all come rushing back in.
I'm sure you already know this - you are the only one who can determine whether or not you feel you can put in the effort required for rebuilding. It's not easy and at times it's quite maddening. Whenever I'm alone in my car I take the opportunity to let out a litany of expletives. Very cleansing!!
In my case, I made the decision to stick it out but at the same time, I promised myself to work on me - rebuild my self-esteem, be comfortable and happy with who I am at the core and to never compromise my principals, regardless of my goal. In the end, however this journey ends, I will be proud of what I have accomplished and the way in which I handled myself.
I focus on me and I focus on my children. My wife, at this point, is an added bonus that I would love to have re-join our family. But she is no longer my primary focus.
If you haven't picked up Divorce Remedy, I recommend that you do. It has validated a lot of the things I was already doing but also gave additional ideas on how to approach things and how to take care of myself first.
In your case, it would be ideal if she could find a new job where she would no longer have contact with the OM but that may not be feasible. If you and your wife are both committed to this, and she has no further interest in the superior, it may be something you can work past. You will both need to understand, however, that rebuilding the trust can take a very long time, especially if she is going to be in contact with him. It can, however end up being a worthwhile journey - it's that belief that really keeps me going.
How committed is she to making this work? Is finding a new job, even a new department within the current company, an option she's willing to pursue? What would it take for you to be assured that the EA is truly over and that she will be focusing on the two of you?
Like I said, I believe you've come to the right place. You need to be introspective in order to figure out what you can manage but be sure to use all the members here as sounding boards. Many of the people here, fortunately or unfortunately, have a lot of experience and are very good at using the fabled "2x4" to help keep us on track.
With less than 50 posts under my belt, I'm far from an expert here but I'm happy to give my 2 cents whenever I can - just hope it's worth the price!
A sense of humor is indispensible at times like these, as you may already know. With that said, you may want to change your handle to "B-Wild"
We're here for ya so please keep posting.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
Thank you for the replies, advice, and encouraging words. I intend to go through with the counselling, at least for a while. I'm feel good that she has moved past it, and pretty much had before I found out. She has agreed to start looking for a job, and I have stressed that it must happen soon. Initially, I basically said you have to be done there Monday, but I backed off.. this obviously wouldn't be any easier with us having financial woes as well. I believe she is committed, I hope she is. What really chaps my axx, is the fact that my snooping/discovery seems to warrant as much hard feelings/mistrust has her infidelity. For the first couple days, I just wanted it to work bad, wanted to believe her, that other than a few tantrums in the garage, tears, expletives, and ultimately bloody knuckles and a refrigerator that knew who was boss(all of this in the garage, alone BTW), I spent the whole time making her feel better. By today, I didn't have much of that left in me... She is emotional about everything, including the fact my best friend knows, and was involved in the 'discovery'. She seemed remorseful, but that lessened when I confessed the snooping (prior to that the evidence was anon). But to me, the two do not compare...The summer beat the fire out of me. Finding out the truth brought some of that back... I don't want to lose that again. When she is down and sad about things, basically waiting for me to 'help' her out, I so much want to bring it all up again, just so she doesn't lose sight of WHY we are where we are at, but I know that won't help. I guess it'll probably all come out in our session on Wed. Why the hell do I have to be sorry for this situation??? Why do I have to be the rock through it? I do guarantee one thing. If we take a run at making it work, and it has not ended.. if and when I find out, there will be no second chance. Great advice on focusing on you and your children - good for you!. That is one of the things that hurts me the most. Prior to this, I was proud of the father I was. This summer I feel like I've let that slip a little as result of the insanity, and I feel horrible about it. I intend to start making up time in that arena.
Thanks for listening guys, and good luck with your own situations. B
Welcome to this board, but so sorry you have to be here. Its a fantastic place for support. I would be lost without it.
I too, have had the life knocked out of me this summer. It brought suspicion, then denial, then admittance of an EA, then my discovery of a very involved PA. Then calls from OW's H to fill me in even more. This is where you and I differ, your W wants to work it out and my H is still foggy, big time.
Nasty, dark place to be in, snooping around like a crazy person, trying to find answers, feeling so alone. I feel so bad you were there too.
H has also said he feels stripped of his privacy, even though I have stopped snooping. I used to care that he felt this way, but I don't anymore. He is also accusing me of cheating, which is so far from the truth.
You have some good things to work with here. I am sure the sting of her privacy being invaded will fade when she realizes why you did it. You owe her nothing in that regard. Now, many smart people on here have said to me that snooping is not attractive in a mate, and if you are trying to 'win' your wife back, then this might be a good thing to stop.
Now is a great time to take all the energy you put into being a part of your wife's mess into being the Dad that you are made to be. It'll do nothing but bring positives into your life. Take care.
That is one thing my husband is soooo angry about being stripped of his privacy. Seems to be a common thing among the cheaters. He has said nobody in this house has any privacy but me.
trying, yes, I have heard that too lately. I found a note from OW out in the open (on our desk at home!) and he didn't speak to me for days, saying he can't trust ME? It makes me feel better its common, because its so confusing.
Oh I know what you mean about confusing. LOL Makes you wonder what goes through their minds. I am such an open book. I could care less if he looked in my purse, at my phone, etc. But I guess it's normal to be that way when you have nothing to hide.
I found this girl's number on his cell phone. I was looking because our son got a new number and he called his phone. Found out he was calling this girl from work that use to work there. He had the nerve to scream at me if I wasn't such an Fin spy all the time, didn't I have better things to do. Sometimes you run across things innocently.
LOL He seems to be the paranoid one now. My husband also did that with our daughter last week. He has been working long hours and asked our daughter if I had been going out. She said yeah maybe a couple times with me to the store. He said oh someone from my work thought they seen our car leaving the parking lot of my work.
Not sure what that was about. I didn't ask either.
