Beginning of the End

[built4speed]

Wow, I just read your whole sitch. So much to say, and I might be full of it, but here goes.

I am a man. You keep asking what is he thinking and I really have no idea, but I will give you one possible scenario and you can see if it is helpful. I hope it is.

It sounds like you did not make life very fun to be around you. Perhaps fun is the wrong word. It was just unpleasant. Drinking, over controlling, etc. This is not to say you haven't made HUGE progress, but at the same time, you have a long way to go.

So if I was him, first I'm thinking okay, she's got some issues but I love her and we can deal with it. Then as the years drag on, he hides until you won't leave him alone, then he tries to address the issues. You don't want any part of it. So eventually he gives up. At some point this other gal shows up who, at least for a while, treats him like a king - or at least doesn't treat him badly, which relatively might feel the same as being treated like a king. So he has you who are treating him badly, vs her who is treating him well. His choice is not a difficult one. When the ultimatum comes, his mind is clear.

But, then after he is gone, you start to change. Or he misses what you used to have together. It's human nature to forget the bad and remember the good (otherwise who would do childbirth [or run a marathon] more than once?). Sometimes life near you is not so bad, but then you start the interrogation again and remind him why he left. You really need to stop doing that. Just stop.

So, why does he say "I don't know"? Because he doesn't. He would like his life with you back, but he's afraid you will start treating him poorly, so he is scared. The only way for you to fix your marriage is to change yourself so you have new behaviors that don't continue to harm the R.

You have made a great start. "Normalizing the R" as you call it is you starting to do what I just said. He is practically begging you to do this. Stop treating him like crap, which is how he feels when you start asking questions. Fix your control issues. You already stopped drinking. You are beginning to figure out that it's not about OW, him keeping you hanging or anything else. It's totally about you fixing your issues.

So, yes, you need to detach so you aren't worrying about him or OW 24x7. You need to stop insisting he meet you "halfway" (another attempt at control). He feels you have screwed this up and you need to go 95% of the way before he is going to start thinking maybe you aren't going to start treating poorly him again. A question for you: are you willing to do virtually all of the work to save your marriage, or not? Just remember if you say no, you will probably have the same issues in your next R. Might as well work it out with this guy.

Which brings me to one last thing: don't date. You need to put so much pressure on fixing you that bringing in someone else will not give you space to fix yourself. And it won't be fair to them: you are not really in a position to be unconditionally loving.

Also, don't worry about OW. Eventually she will start making demands that he is completely unable to meet and he'll get rid of her. If you spend the time fixing yourself, you'll have a chance. If you waste it worrying about her, him, or being controlling, well, you reap what you sew.

So, from the 1% of your life I can get via this site, that is my two cents (or is it pence?!). Virtually all of what I've said is pure DR, just from a guys perspective.

I hope it helps.

Good luck!