I just can't stop putting my foot in my mouth but last week his mom was so supportive of me and even sent me this letter of how she loved me and wanted it to work. Then Sunday when she saw him she called me afterward and was very cold to me. I could tell something was wrong but she said i was "reading into it" well, I have found that her mood towards me goes with his mood towards me and she is as mentally unstable as he is. I probably shouldn't have but I sent the following email to her and now I intend to just detach and not talk to any of his family for now.
MIL,
H said he told you on Sunday that he has decided to stay with OW. I could tell something was wrong Sunday when you called but wasn't sure what it was. It seems like your attitude towards me goes with H's decisions and that is fine. I have done nothing but try to love and support him and if this is his decision then so be it. The kids and I will survive just as his XWIFE and the kids did. I will not file for divorce as I will not be the one to terminate our children's family. If you all feel this is the best, then while I can not understand the decision to support him, I will not ask you not to. I know as a parent you love your child nomatter what but I also know that there is such a thing as tough love and sometimes it is a parents job to let their child know when they are making a huge mistake. It seems H's mistakes have always been brushed under the rug and covered up. Well I hope you enjoy the new grandbaby and maybe he will actually be there for this one until it is 18. Take care and know I love you I just can't go on chatting like we are family because the truth is that the minute he said he wanted OW you were dining out with her parents, letting her call you mom, and taking her in like she is your own only 2 weeks after he left me. It has been made very easy for him to destroy the hearts of his 7 kids and wife. Like XWIFE said he has not only torn one family of SS and SD's up but now two. It is just sad. At what point will he be held accountable. There is no need to reply I don't intend to get into a debate or argument with you. I just needed to say what I felt on my heart. I don't even have anger, only hurt for the way I have been betrayed.
Love you and take care of dad,
Last edited by Amy; 10/23/0701:47 PM.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Wow Amy! What strength! I could hear your heart. I know this is tough. You sound great. You sound strong. You sound loving. The tough love part is always so tough on the one delivering it. Hang in there! ((((AMY)))
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I have to admit I am really hurting right now but I know that I have no choice but to let go and move on. He has made his decisions and while they hurt me I have to live with them. I am just going to keep trying to do the best for my kids. I know they are my first priority.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Well, the latest. H calls me an hour ago and told me he has decided to break it off with the OW. He can not do this anymore. He said it is a sticky situation and he has to deal with the fact that she is pregnant and etc. but he is going to tell her that he is done. He said that he wants to be closer to his kids up here and even if I wont have him back he intends to relocate. He said that he has always loved me but that he was hurt but a lot of what I did.
He then went on to say that he was sorry for never trying marriage counseling, sorry for not opening up to me, and sorry for what he did. I didn't know how to respond because i have heard so much of this before however this was the first time he has said "I AM SORRY" Where do I go from here? Any advice? He said he is calling me again tonight.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
I think you just listen. I think you remain quiet, validate what he is saying but don't say anything committal in return. He could call you back and say he has changed his mind - again. I think you can only rely on what you SEE him doing, not on what you HEAR him saying. He has proven over and over that he says one thing and does another. This is the difficult part, he is saying exactly what you WANT to hear right now, but who knows if it's truly how he feels? He may even truly feel this right now, but in an hour, a day, 2 days?? Where will he be then? Just listen. If he asks what you think just say you think your kids would benefit greatly from healthy parents, that you are looking to get healthy and stay healthy, and that you are and will continue to take this one day at a time....hope that helps.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
That is exactly what his xwife said and exactly what I plan to do. I know that I can not trust him right now. I just don't want to scare him off by being distant and yet I don't want him like he is right now either.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
He called late last night and was crying on the phone. He kept saying he loves me but he hates everything about me. He sounds broken and lost. He said he still loves OW also. He says his kids are the driving force for him to move here. But he has to deal with the fact that she has a baby on the way. He called his xwife hoping to get some sympathy and she told him to grow up and put his kids first for once. He hung up on her. I am so hurt and angry and yet I know his pain is so deep. He told me several times he wanted to kill himself and that if he had a way he would. I have no idea what to do. I am going to just continue listening. I am afraid to get my hopes up he is really sick and by today he could have changed his mind. All I can do is keep praying and listening.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Amy, I'm not sure you should even be listening at this point. Reading your posts, nothing he's saying now is any different than the things he's said in the past but you're still listening. Obviously, you want to be there for him because you love him but it doesn't sound like he's ready for that yet. Being there for someone implies that they're moving, they're growing, they're going through a process. He's not growing, he's whining about a situation he created and looking for sympathy. Xwife called him on it and he hung up on her, the same way he's been hanging up on you when you call him on his BS.
He has a really tough road ahead of him but, in my opinion, he's not even on it yet. He's sitting on a bench next to the road, looking towards the horizon and complaining to anyone who will stop to listen how hard it's going to be to go down that road. My $.02: stop listening to him until he gets off the bench and starts walking.
I agree with you Bryan. I am just so torn. I feel like he wants someone to make a decision for him so he doesnt have to and then when we do we will be damned for doing it. He treats me horrible until I finally say ok I am done I am moving on and then he pulls this with me and ignores her. I guess looking back over all I wrote you are right the only difference now is he is at least locked up in a safe place where he can not hurt himself. I am trying not to let his games get to me but it is hard. I also have to admit I am really finding it easier each day to detach from him. I find each day that I find it a little easier to look at a future without him. I feel guilt about that because I feel it is my duty to stand by him but I am just getting so tired. Between raising five children alone and dealing with him I am completely worn out.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Oh also he asked me to come see him at the psychiatric hospital this weekend becaue I am flying into town. I really want to but I feel like I shouldn't, I feel like it will be a big step backwards for me. Also, he told xwife that I told him I was coming and he had to say in it. The truth his he begged me to come. I told him I probably couldn't because I was flying in strictly to work and my boss is paying for the trip.
I feel like if I show he is using it to tell people "see how controlling she is... I told her not to come." I am not sure how to handle this but it is another game and I don't want to end up losing at it. If I go he will say I did it against his will and if I don't go he is going to throw in my face how little I care about him.
I feel like I am back in highschool.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
