Moving forward

[Michael Mc C]

Bwildered - sorry to see you here but as I've learned over these past few weeks, it's good to get out into "general population" and look to these folks for help, support and advice. If nothing else, it has given me a place to open up and let it all out.

I had to snoop in order to get confirmation that something was going on as well. I didn't feel an ounce of guilt doing this although my wife did try to convince me that my actions were unscrupulous - hah!

I am currently going through the same back and forth feelings. One day I feel like I can overcome the pain and trust issues and that we can build a new marriage, a better marriage. There are days, however where I just want to scrap the whole thing because I let it all come rushing back in.

I'm sure you already know this - you are the only one who can determine whether or not you feel you can put in the effort required for rebuilding. It's not easy and at times it's quite maddening. Whenever I'm alone in my car I take the opportunity to let out a litany of expletives. Very cleansing!!

In my case, I made the decision to stick it out but at the same time, I promised myself to work on me - rebuild my self-esteem, be comfortable and happy with who I am at the core and to never compromise my principals, regardless of my goal. In the end, however this journey ends, I will be proud of what I have accomplished and the way in which I handled myself.

I focus on me and I focus on my children. My wife, at this point, is an added bonus that I would love to have re-join our family. But she is no longer my primary focus.

If you haven't picked up Divorce Remedy, I recommend that you do. It has validated a lot of the things I was already doing but also gave additional ideas on how to approach things and how to take care of myself first.

In your case, it would be ideal if she could find a new job where she would no longer have contact with the OM but that may not be feasible. If you and your wife are both committed to this, and she has no further interest in the superior, it may be something you can work past. You will both need to understand, however, that rebuilding the trust can take a very long time, especially if she is going to be in contact with him. It can, however end up being a worthwhile journey - it's that belief that really keeps me going.

How committed is she to making this work? Is finding a new job, even a new department within the current company, an option she's willing to pursue? What would it take for you to be assured that the EA is truly over and that she will be focusing on the two of you?

Like I said, I believe you've come to the right place. You need to be introspective in order to figure out what you can manage but be sure to use all the members here as sounding boards. Many of the people here, fortunately or unfortunately, have a lot of experience and are very good at using the fabled "2x4" to help keep us on track.

With less than 50 posts under my belt, I'm far from an expert here but I'm happy to give my 2 cents whenever I can - just hope it's worth the price!

A sense of humor is indispensible at times like these, as you may already know. With that said, you may want to change your handle to "B-Wild"



We're here for ya so please keep posting.