still trying, now separating

[Dom R]

Sounds like a great talk you had!

ST; i think that you (and your wife!) really need to do more reading on this kind of situation.
And/or get a *good* (check for recommendations first!) marital counsellor.

From what I've read, it's pretty common for the spouse to have heavy resentment, when the careless spouse finally seems like they want to actually DO something, after years of not doing much.

I just feel like there's not much else I can do right now.

There are quite a few things you can do!!
But you have to choose to make the effort, to go find out about them.

So she said what she really wants is to get over the resentment she has for me, that sitting around every night looking at me she just resents me more and more because for years I didn't give a [censored] and now here I am ready to be what she needs and it makes her resentful of all the years I didn't care.

It sounds like she may be cooling off a little, from the "you need to separate" phase.
She may calm down a little further, all by herself.

It sounds like what the two of you need most of all right now, is a good MC. and the LAST thing you need, is a separation.

If I try to engage her and be there for her, it reminds her of the years I wasn't there and pisses her off that all of the sudden now I'm that person. No win either way...

My advice to you, is not not try to "prove" something to her. becase you'll overdo it. Some marriage books advise in this situation, to just treat her in the positive way you would, if you would live together.

If you are right about her liking to talk, then a modified approach to this might be:

be around the house. Do basic nice things. Have pleasant conversations with her, when she initiates or seems interested in talking...and then only for as long as she seems willing to.

ST, may i suggest that you actually go read one of the marriage builders books on this stuff, because it sounds exactly what you need right now.
DB books are more about "tactical", immediate stuff.. but sounds like you need a bit more focus on a longer term attitude/behaviour pattern.

What I'm describing is called by those folks as "Plan A".
You basically decide to be nice to her, consistently, when you are around her, but dont crowd her. give her space when she wants it too.

If things arent at crisis point between you two (and it does NOT actually sound like they are), then just sticking to this for a month, may let things cool off.

But the thing is, you actually have to be sure that you are really commited to treat her right like this. For the rest of your life.

I'm really saddened by reading the way you describe your lack of commitment to your marriage. your lack of commitment to work at it.
you are sounding like the stereotype of men, that some women bandy about; a guy who just tries for a bit... and then slacks off one way or another. ie: "if she comes back, mission accomplished. stop". "If she doesnt... well, it's not worth the effort to keep trying".

If that's really your attitude.... then forget about what you feel about the whole thing.. your wife is actually better without YOU!

It doesnt sound to me like you are "that person" that she is looking for yet. You might become him, someday. But I'm fairly sure that she wants someone who is willing to keep working on your marriage, for at LEAST as long as she has put up with your apathy. How many years has that been, hmmm?