Basically, my position is this... I'm not ready to give up, but I am ready to go on hold, stop trying and spend some time on me until she figures out what she wants.
We just talked a little bit tonight, she asked if I had checked out the apartment and I said that I hadn't yet and asked her if she was sure this is what she wanted. She said she thought it's what needed to happen. Didn't say she wanted it. Grrr....
We talked about it some more and I asked her what she hoped to get out of this separation, if she was viewing it as a way to get away from me or a way to make divorce easier or a way to save our marriage or what. She basically said she doesn't know what's going to happen, but that she felt a lot better the other night when we agreed on this, and now she feels confused again like I'm not on the same page. I told her that I already said it's not what I wanted but I wasn't going to fight her on it, I just wanted to make sure this is what she really wants.
So she said what she really wants is to get over the resentment she has for me, that sitting around every night looking at me she just resents me more and more because for years I didn't give a [censored] and now here I am ready to be what she needs and it makes her resentful of all the years I didn't care. I asked if she thought the separation would be a time for her to get over the resentment and she said yes.
So what do I know... On the plus side she seems to actually realize now that I am capable of being what she needs and she just feels she has to get over the resentment after years of neglect. I'm pretty sure refusing a separation will build more resentment. Granted they say not to trust what she says, but based on our last few discussions she actually seems to be coming around to believing that I can in fact be the person she needs. That's hopeful, right?
So my position on the separation? Not what I want. However, I know that the more I sit around here, the more resentful she gets (I can see it in the way she treats me) and the more resentful I get not having any of my needs met. I see it only spiraling downhill, and I think completely ignoring her is just going to piss her off even more.
So I'm back where I started. I'm ready to get a life, enjoy myself, focus on me. I'm not going to date or go out and try and meet someone else, and I'm not going to give up. I'm going to continue to show her I can be what she needs, from a distance, and give her some time to get over her resentment. Maybe we'll split up, maybe we won't. I just feel like there's not much else I can do right now. She has to give up her anger, she has to forgive me. That's her thing, I can't help with that. I can't think of anything I can possibly do to help her with that. If I just ignore her, it reminds her of the fact that I can't be what she needs. If I try to engage her and be there for her, it reminds her of the years I wasn't there and pisses her off that all of the sudden now I'm that person. No win either way...
