Just had to pop in for the NC tips that worked for me...as I think I mastered that out of necessity!
H asked for no contact, when he asked me to leave...and I took it literally. It gets thrown in my face now, but I know he certainly enjoyed it then.
At the time, I did it for HIM, as I did all the tactics for him and to get him back. But, I quickly realized (and still realize more deeply now), how much it did for me.
NC for me was complete, cut, gone. ONLY b/c we have no kids, or other big things shared. NC can mean as little contact as possible if you have kids....civil, friendly and ONLY keeping it to what is absolutely necessary. There are others who can give tips on NC with kids....or as much NC as possible.
For me, it helped to:
* In the beginning, look at a calendar, and make a challenge to count off days I did not contact. I took pleasure in seeing how many days I could go. * Sure, you have urges to call the person you were closest to, to find solace in a hard time. But, that's not your spouse anymore, right now. So, find someone else. I had a list of friends (including ones from the BB) that I called in desperation to vent, cry, and be sad. * Journal what you want to say to them, if you are dying to talk to them. * Annie wrote letters and put them away in a box - it worked for her. * Stop thinking that you will get the person you knew on the line if you do reach out. Make yourself remember the disappointing, alien-like interactions you have with them, which are deluded, crazy-making, ridiculous, twisted logic. That is who you will get, remember that, and it will take the urge to call, away! * Kick in the pride! You can do this on your own. You can get by on your own, handle your emotions, and not break down and call. * SPend time with kids, friends, whatever - the more happy and uplifting things you do, you feel stronger and more alive and not as needy to make contact. It worked for me. Each time I was with friends or talked to them, I had no desire to contact H.
Mostly, experiencing the disappointments of the "contact" will be enough to make you stay away....
In the end, like I said, it was my sanity, and I didn't even know it. It turned out to benefit me the most. It was hurtful what he was doing, but it was much less hurtful that I didn't have to hear the lies, the twisted logic, the coldness, the spew. It was more time for me to heal, even though I didn't know I was healing. It was more time for me to start thinking normally again, and expecting normal in the world around me. I lived with H for 9 months after the bomb, and it was the worst time of my life - I started drinking a lot and was having meltdowns all the time. Staying away from H was like climbing out of hell.
No matter how strong, we are still affected by them. Even when what they say and do is totally illogical, it seeps into our psyche. So, the less you are in contact with that part of them, the better.
Again, this applies not only for the angry MLCer, but the nice ones also...even t hough they don't spew, they still do hurtful things blatantly.
Think of contact like radiation.....less exposure is better.
