Hi North. I am also grappling with the birthday issue. Mine was last week and my H is this week. I kind of do want to overlook it. I will not be with him but the kids will and I am sure he will be with the OW because I believe they actually are living together. But I do not know for sure.
I can either send along a funny benign card or one that shows a little more sentiment regarding his birth. The funny thing is I know the entire story of his birth because my MIL and I joke about every year on his birthday. She almost had him in a cab. Those are the kinds of things only wives and mothers know , not OW. So I thought I could say something like that and write "We Love You Daddy!" So that he actually remembers he has a family. I dunno. It is a risk.
About your sitch. Why does it wreak of Brangelina to me? This OW seems so dysfunctional and so is my H's. They may leave competent women for weak needy women to help their self esteem. I believe most affairs are based on underground and unhealthy vices. It has been reported to me that my H's OW is very poor, dumb, and probably on drugs. My sweet friend also said she is ugly and gross.That is quite the opposite of me. You sound like the stable, independent go to person, so maybe your H is going out with someone quite the opposite. So that means that is his issue. he must also have very low self esteem in the bedroom. Mine too. I am much more experienced and I am also a lot sexier than my H. It is ironic that he would be the one to cheat because he is so insecure about his sexuality.
These are their issues. Not ours. If we continue to DB, GAL and maintain PMA. Then we are better off. I am not 100% sure if DR is for people like us, people who have spouses who are chronically addicted to their affairs. I almost feel like the book is for couples who have a spouse that feels sorry for having an affair. Mine feels entitled to do so.
Isit even conformed that they are having a PA?
Last edited by mkultra; 10/22/0710:56 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Oh yeah, we all have been there, done that! Do I hate the OP? YES. And I hate that. I'm a loving person and to be hate is an ugly word. But I do. Sadly, it helps me feel better.
I'm pretty much a reformed snooper. I know he is still contacting her. And, when he caught me lying about a snooping activity (checking his cell phone) I realized I was taking myself down to his level. I have pretty much stopped since then.
You can't control what they do. It hurts. You snoop because you want to protect yourself from any more lies. You want to trust them again. While they are addicted to the affair, they will lie and do whatever they need to do to get their fix.
Originally Posted By: mkultra
They may leave competent women for weak needy women to help their self esteem. I believe most affairs are based on underground and unhealthy vices. It has been reported to me that my H's OW is very poor, dumb, and probably on drugs. My sweet friend also said she is ugly and gross.
What interesting thoughts! The OW my H is involved with is all of these things ... poor, previous drug issues, current drinking problem, is NOT attractive at all. Not that I'm of super model quality, but compared to her I could be Sophia Loren!
After 25 years, I know what my H likes in women ... SHE IS NOT IT!
So, perhaps these are their issues. But is DB a book for those who have a spouse who is sorry for the affair? I don't think so. I think the book is more for the wounded spouse.
I admit to my part of the problems in my M, even to contributing to some of the issues my H has. But it was not intentional. It was just 2 people who didn't communicate as we should have.
At this point, my H is not guilty (at least he has not shown it). He felt entitled to the A. But this is where DB comes into the picture. It makes us feel better about ourselves, our lives ... and can make us the person they want to be with. But it also helps us find ourselves again ... and so many of us lose ourselves in our M!!!
MY first thought at reading some of what you wrote is that maybe it could be the depression is contributing to some of this and his behaviors. Doesn't excuse it one bit but could be contributing. One thing that jumped out at me is you said you don't know what it is like to have mental illness. You also said mushy isn't your type of thing. But maybe this is what he needs. He needs compassion and mushiness. Maybe that is why he is having a hard time turning to you because you have made it known you can't understand this. Mental illness is a hard thing to deal with and one that can come out of the blue even when you think your the most head strong person in the world. It can crush you.
Also it really concerns me that you two haven't been intimate or even in the same room for 3 years. How did it turn to this for so long? Have you ever tried to put a stop to this? Or take back your rightful position to be in the bed? It just seems that is a long time. One will get lonely I'm sure after it being that long?
Also has he been to the doctor for impotence? How could he be at such a young age? If she is buying sex toys and things like that it just seems strange that his answer is he's impotent.
I will probably buy him a semi-funny birthday card and a small gift to show I care, even if he doesn't. The OW, while not pretty is educated and, on the surface seems like a charming likable person. However, she spends a lot of time at her counsellors dealing with mental health and low self-esteem issues. Her husband is a successful and rich man and she will never leave him on her own, as her standard of living would drop dramatically. She has two kids. It just seems that she saw someone better looking and more charming than her H and went for it. Anything I have found around here from her is full of things like "you complete me", "you are my soulmate", "i was not alive before you" etc. As for the stuff I've found, he leaves it around in his office, almost like he wants me to find it. H does not seem to feel guilty or sorry about this affair. When I caught him in his lie about working the weekend and instead taking off with her, he never apologized, but instead acted all depressed for 3 days, sad he said for "disappointing me". I have found some of the sex toys, oils,catalogues etc and most have gift tags from her that say things like "all my love" etc. I think the impotence thing is a complete lie, and he will not go to a doctor about it as I have asked him. Yes we had problems in the bedroom and I take full responsibility for my part, but he has not been with me since he took up with her, possibly his way of being "faithful" to her. He is not home much because he drives for a living and he takes her with him often. Although I don't know what she tells her H about these overnight trips, or what she does with her kids. He seems addicted to her and I don't know how to break this addiction and turn him back to me. I am putting into practice some things I have read in DB'ing book and we will see how it goes. So far he has shown no signs of leaving me nor has he even mentioned divorce, so I am still hopeful.
I don't really know what to do. I am trying to be pleasant, taking pains to look nice etc. He hardly speaks to me. I don't know why. We will be home alone all weekend and I have to break his semi-silence or go crazy.
Another question I had about getting back together with an adulterous partner was: How do you know they're clean? (of STD's) Since he is a known liar, I don't want to take his word for it. I know she sleeps with anything male or female. Do I make him go to a doctor or what? It is a serious trust issue.
It has been a pretty miserable week. I have been trying to do things to make myself happier, but I just haven't found the right things yet. Ruts sure are hard to crawl out of. I find it hard lately to come home from work everyday, making excuses to stop on the way and shop or go to the library. I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend if I can't break his silence.
My H, so far, is not guilty about his A yet either. I don’t know if he will ever say he is sorry or show remorse. I am hoping that one day he will. The closest he has gotten was to say ‘it was not the right thing to do’ not too long after I found out. Even if he does, I’m sure it won’t be until after he has committed to me, or made the decision to leave.
I would not even bring it up to your H at all. He is definitely deep in the addiction of the A so even though he may feel guilty at some level, he probably isn’t ready to express it to you.
My H was impotent with me for about 6 months. We were not too actively sexually but the few times we tried, he could not. I thought he had a problem but as it turns out, it was the A. I guess he felt too guilty to get it up. Since then I have addressed my intimacy issues and am turning things around. He is noticing.
You can’t break him of his addiction. The only thing you can do is DB. You said he is hardly talking to you. Don’t push him. Don’t pursue, beg, etc. Don’t force talks on reconciliation if he doesn’t want to talk. My H and I have talked quite a lot but most of the time it was when he initiated the conversation. Then again, I am fortunate because he is willing to talk. Some spouses here are not.
As far as knowing if they’re clean of STDs, you do need to know that. If the OW sleeps around, I would definitely ask him to be tested if he wants to get intimate with you again. If he refuses, then he certainly is not being respectful of you!
Be happy, act as if, GAL … be the person he wants to be with. It’s very, very hard to do these things right now! But it’s what I’ve tried to do. My H is still at home. I know if had moped around being miserable, crying, pursuing, or just being a b*tch, he probably would not be here. It would have made the OW seem more attractive to him, and since an A is an addiction, she already had that advantage over me. NOT ANY MORE!
I wish I could help you out of your rut. I’ve had many of those – days when you could hardly put one foot in front of the other. Post to the board when you’re feeling down.
And remember to GAL, don't count on him for your happiness right now. Do you have any friends/family you can get together with this weekend? I know I didn't even want to do that at first! I was too depressed. But I made myself do it, and always felt better afterwards. After all, you won't be at home doing nothing but thinking about things!
It's her that sleeps with anything. Goes on lots of lesbian dates etc. I wonder how many couples she's caused trouble with there.
He used to say that his anti-depression meds made him impotent, but he's been off those for a year. He was never aggressive in the bedroom and his idea of foreplay was to lie on his back and wait. Thats it. It made sex just another chore for me to do. So, both of us being stubborn, we'd both wait. I admit it was my fault, I should have put more effort into it, but resentment raises its ugly head and it begins to be a standoff. I have tried to interest him since then, but nothing so far. There were other factors as well, the usual, him not helping with housework, and when he was depressed and not caring about anything, it was I who had to meet the bailiff at the door and deal with banks etc. It was extremely stressful for me, but that is not recognized by him. When he was depressed he turned to OW, not me.
Oh, am I familiar with resentment that builds ... it drives a huge wedge in any relationship. My H and I had plenty of it.
It sounds like you have been so strong in your M. You've been the pillar. You've certainly hung in there through a lot of adversity! That takes a lot tenacity.
I wonder if that has had a negative effect on your H? He sees how strong you are, but he is not. His A may have been an attempt to find someone to boost his self-esteem. Not that you did anything to drive him to it, but because of his problems. He sounds like a lost soul. How is he doing with his depression? Is he seeking any help (i.e. counseling)?
How is your weekend going? Are you still getting the silent treatment?
Thanks so much. I am strong because I have to be. I can't just stand there and let things fall apart, it's not in me. I have a solid moral base and as far as I am concerned I am married and if he won't sleep with me for the next five years, then that makes eight years without sex for me. To have any type of reciprocal affair or "date" would just be wrong and I couldn't do it. I can't lower myself to that level. I took a vow when I married and I meant it when I said it and I intend to keep it.
My H has a psychiatrist that he sees about once a month, and he has been doing pretty good with the depression for the last two years. He was hospitalized twice because he became suicidal, but he has been off meds for 10 months and is holding his own. I think you're right that he needed to boost his self esteem by "saving" someone else. OW has many mental and maritial problems of her own and needs a self esteem boost to make her feel attractive again. I'm sure she has sobbed her troubles to him many times. He still insists that they are "just friends" so maybe he is lying to himself as well as me. I think that sometimes he feels guilty, just by his behavior. He seems confused and quiet sometimes.
We got along okay this weekend...no fights or arguments. He has left for work now, actually, he has gone to meet her (I saw an email). I won't see him til later this week.
Still trying.... ME 48 H 38 M 9 Y TOGETHER 11 Y He still insists they are "just friends"
