impossible situation #2

[Dom R]

This is another issue that's been bugging me for loong time in my relationship with my wife.

This is not a replacement to my prev "impossible" thread: I would very much appreciate people's feedback on BOTH issues.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1238061

But this one is a little shorter. not neccessarily simpler.

So... sometimes my wife gets really mad at me about something.
She's mad at me right now, in fact.

If I apologise, she stays mad.
If I ask for forgiveness, she stays mad (and refuses to forgive; dodges even directly responding to my request for forgiveness)
If I let some time go by, before re-approaching her about it: she stays mad. (and actually gets almost just as angry about it, as she first was, for my audacity to remind her about the issue)
If I dont talk about it at all... she adds it to her hard ball of resentment against me, and the tension level between us stays higher because of it.. sometimes for a MONTH or more.
Any attempt at me being nice to her during that time, results in, "I'm still mad at you for [xxxx]". But any attempt to defuse, apologise, or make up for xxxx, doesnt seem to help either.

Suggestions on how I can best deal with this situation?



Background on current reason: she's mad because I told her I wanted to talk about multiple things last night: ONE of them being our son at school. then held the school thing over her head until we talked about communication issues between us first.
In hindsight, not a good move... I've just gotten so frustrated over her behaviour of just plain avoiding talking about anything important, when I ask to talk about stuff. I thought it was really important that I try to talk about how bad our communication was about a kid issue this weekend, so that potentially, it could be better in the future. So much for that idea

[Dom R]

^^ bump ^^

no comments on this one?
i was hoping this would get SOME suggestions, since this is actually a "right now" problem

[BryanS]

You've helped me a lot in the past so let me wade in here a bit. This is totally out of left field and I'm not sure how viable it is but have you tried not being nice? What I mean is, you're description of what you have tried in the past all seem like "nice" things, the kind of things a loving husband would do. The question that immediately jumps to my mind when something related to an R doesn't work is "What's the opposite?".

So if you've been nice, maybe you need to be more demanding. Find some leverage somewhere. We will talk about this and we will treat each other with respect during the talk or xxx will not happen. I'm not saying be a jerk, just don't be a pushover. There is a standard of conduct for how we treat others that everyone should be held to; hold her to it.

Again, out of left field, thinking on the fly. May not be viable in the least but maybe it'll get some ideas flowing for you. Good luck.

[Dom R]

well, might work for others...
Unfortunately, my situation is that my W is waaay control-phobic. Commonly complains "You're TRYING TO CONTROL ME!!"

The biggest reason she's mad at me now, ironically.. is that I ended up doing something a quater like you describe; I wouldnt tell her about something, until we talked for a while about "communication issues" between us first.

Now.. even though the "talk" itself, and the underlying trigger issue is somewhat fading away... She resents me, even more than the original problem, for holding the information over her head to get her to talk


It is said that "women like their 'man' to be strong", etc.

My wife is not one of those women.

[BryanS]

Obviously you know her better than I do. However, my W has made similar control complaints about me in the past (it gets quite nuts sometimes) and she does like backbone in me. Thing is I have to pick the right time.

Anyway, not sure what else to tell you. All the reasonable routes have failed, you say the unreasonable routes are doomed to fail, what else is there?

Brainstorming: what if you did a hybrid? Firmly stated that you will talk about something right now. Intentionally push her into being unreasonably upset. Then, back off, become placid and soothing and use the oppurtunity of her being out of control to say something like honey ILY and you seem disproportionatly upset over this, maybe there's something else we need to talk about.

I have a feeling, and it's based on my W so may not apply, that when she gets really mad, the line between fury and a full on emotional breakdown is very thin. For my W, she can go from spitting mad to bawling uncontrolably in no time flat. It sucks but that brief period of time when she is crying out of frustration is usually my only shot at getting through to her when she's in her "I hate Bryan" mode. It's interesting because I get the feeling that the reason she's crying has nothing to do with me; it's that in some way she recognizes what she's doing and is angry and frustrated with herself for doing it.

[Dom R]

Yes, sometimes, the "I'm going to talk right now" strategy works, if I am sure to keep it a very SHORT talk. (and if I dont try it very often). Thanks for the reminder.(although I in no way try to push her into being upset. just the opposite; i just try to keep things calm for both of us)

But that's not the issue in THIS thread for me.

For this thread, I'd like to know how to better diffuse her
"I'm going to hold a grudge and be mad" phase.

Hmm.. ok, after re-reading what you said... i understand now what you are going for. and that has accidentally happened, once or twice.
I just dont think that I could bring myself to do that to my wife deliberately.
I'd ideally like something I could use more frequently, with a clearer concience.

[azhira]

My guess is it's not really whatever is she says she's mad about.
(Did that make sense?)

Anyway, have you tried asking her what would you should do so she won't be mad? Apparently, my xh wanted me to 'make it up to him'. I had had no idea, all these years, until he finally blurted it out during an argument. (I had tried letting it blow over, talking to him, validating, etc.) So, now, I ask what I can do to help make up for it. Seems to work better.

[SallyM]

honestly, in that situation, I'd be BS at you, because you were being controlling. controlling does not equal strong in my book.

maybe it would have worked if you had approached it as, "I'd like to sit down and talk to you. when would be a good time?" if you leave it like that, putting the ball a bit in her court, as opposed to saying, "we're going to talk about xyz on this date." then not even going forward until the agenda you had in your mind was discussed, well, like I said, I would have thought you were being an ass.

don't really know your history, so don't know what the issues are at all. but I would feel that way if I loved you. can imagine just how much more I would resent it if I were a delusional waw.

[BryanS]

I understand. This is not something I do on purpose by any means, just something I've noticed during our time of near constant fighting.

[Dom R]

weeell.... I dunno if there is "something else" she is "really" mad about... i think it's more like what I have mentioned to her... that she "wants to be mad at me", so finds something to be angry about, and clings to it tightly, beyond what another person in her situation would feel about it.