no contact......how do you survive.....

[brandnewday]

Started this thread for the newbies who need help from those of us who have been here a while

[Jeanette1120]

and for some of us olebies that still have a hard time. for example...all this contact talk has me seriously wanting to make contact.....but I am not going to burden him right now. he is off on a 3 week training course away from ow away from his mommie and all to himself....

We left it at "maybe trying to date"......he knows where I stand, as I will not date him if there is an OW in the pic. I believe the OW is slowly fading as why would he want to date now. Our home is no longer up for sale......so I am being still and not going to contact him. This is his time to get his thoughts together!

Sigh..

Thanks BND!

Jeanette

[brandnewday]

What are you doing to keep your mind on other stuff?

(Other then making plans to go to London}

[a new 2moro]

what a good plan jeanette. You are so strong. Thats the best you can do is let him stew in his own juices.

[Jeanette1120]

I hate to say it........but I've thrown myself into my work. Filing is 3/4 of the way done! I'm re-arranging my house since it's not up for sale and and....EXERCISING!! Doing 2 miles a day on the treadie!

I'm working on me!

If he fails.....I won't.

[Lissie]

I remember having such a hard time with detaching
eeeeeeeeek

every thread of mine was named detaching. I was at a loss for on how I would manage it, Gosh I was so hard headed then, about it.

I did it half hour by half hour. Finally I just put my foot down to try.

That is how i got thru it.

I would email someone and say, Ok, I did it , I will email you back in half hour and tell you that I didn't contact him again.

And so on until half hours turned into hours, then finally days.

We have 2 children together, so complete darkness is impossible, but I get pretty darn close.

You can all do this.


Then I realized after a long while, that NC was for me and my sanity.

.

[Was2sad]

Jeanette

Had lost touch with your ongoing situation. Thought that you had sold, bought, and moved on ... etc. What a surprise to find out I am completely WRONG again!!! Dang ... that bites for me.

But ... for you ... hey, you seem to be handling your big gerl self pretty good there. I agree with the dating around an OW thing. Sounds like he feels dating you would be a good thing. Now he just needs to decide it is the future he wants to move toward. The OW will become his dark past in time. You just do what you are doing and give him that time, while letting him know you will not be around forever.

Let him occasionally see the prize, but keep the door locked down tight until he deserves to be let back around. He is thinking about you while he is away. He is. And he should.

[always_14]

Just had to pop in for the NC tips that worked for me...as I think I mastered that out of necessity!

H asked for no contact, when he asked me to leave...and I took it literally. It gets thrown in my face now, but I know he certainly enjoyed it then.

At the time, I did it for HIM, as I did all the tactics for him and to get him back. But, I quickly realized (and still realize more deeply now), how much it did for me.

NC for me was complete, cut, gone. ONLY b/c we have no kids, or other big things shared. NC can mean as little contact as possible if you have kids....civil, friendly and ONLY keeping it to what is absolutely necessary. There are others who can give tips on NC with kids....or as much NC as possible.

For me, it helped to:

* In the beginning, look at a calendar, and make a challenge to count off days I did not contact. I took pleasure in seeing how many days I could go.
* Sure, you have urges to call the person you were closest to, to find solace in a hard time. But, that's not your spouse anymore, right now. So, find someone else. I had a list of friends (including ones from the BB) that I called in desperation to vent, cry, and be sad.
* Journal what you want to say to them, if you are dying to talk to them.
* Annie wrote letters and put them away in a box - it worked for her.
* Stop thinking that you will get the person you knew on the line if you do reach out. Make yourself remember the disappointing, alien-like interactions you have with them, which are deluded, crazy-making, ridiculous, twisted logic. That is who you will get, remember that, and it will take the urge to call, away!
* Kick in the pride! You can do this on your own. You can get by on your own, handle your emotions, and not break down and call.
* SPend time with kids, friends, whatever - the more happy and uplifting things you do, you feel stronger and more alive and not as needy to make contact. It worked for me. Each time I was with friends or talked to them, I had no desire to contact H.

Mostly, experiencing the disappointments of the "contact" will be enough to make you stay away....

In the end, like I said, it was my sanity, and I didn't even know it. It turned out to benefit me the most. It was hurtful what he was doing, but it was much less hurtful that I didn't have to hear the lies, the twisted logic, the coldness, the spew. It was more time for me to heal, even though I didn't know I was healing. It was more time for me to start thinking normally again, and expecting normal in the world around me. I lived with H for 9 months after the bomb, and it was the worst time of my life - I started drinking a lot and was having meltdowns all the time. Staying away from H was like climbing out of hell.

No matter how strong, we are still affected by them. Even when what they say and do is totally illogical, it seeps into our psyche. So, the less you are in contact with that part of them, the better.

Again, this applies not only for the angry MLCer, but the nice ones also...even t hough they don't spew, they still do hurtful things blatantly.

Think of contact like radiation.....less exposure is better.

[braveheart]

I remember having such a hard time with detaching
eeeeeeeeek

every thread of mine was named detaching. I was at a loss for on how I would manage it, Gosh I was so hard headed then, about it.

I did it half hour by half hour. Finally I just put my foot down to try.

That is how i got thru it.

I would email someone and say, Ok, I did it , I will email you back in half hour and tell you that I didn't contact him again.

And so on until half hours turned into hours, then finally days.

We have 2 children together, so complete darkness is impossible, but I get pretty darn close.

You can all do this.


Then I realized after a long while, that NC was for me and my sanity.

.

Lissie! How are you doing? I miss talking to you! I sure hope things are going well for you! I have been so busy with things that I haven't been on here very much! Please write or email and tell me how you are doing!

[hopefloats7]

This:

Stop thinking that you will get the person you knew on the line if you do reach out. Make yourself remember the disappointing, alien-like interactions you have with them, which are deluded, crazy-making, ridiculous, twisted logic. That is who you will get, remember that, and it will take the urge to call, away!

is the best piece of advice I've ever seen offered. Because it is painfully true.

I was the worst for breaking this one. I would talk myself out of calling H but a few hours would pass and then I'd do it. He'd either not pick up (which then made me sick with upset because I figured he was with ow) or, he would answer and act like he just couldn't be bothered with me.
Neither result made me feel any better. On the contrary, I only felt lower.

What helped:
1.Posting here; reading threads; searching the Internet to read about depression.
2.Journaling. I think I've gone through 9 journals. Big ones.
3.Calling close family members/friends that made me know they would not tire of talking with me about this, no matter how bad off I was.
4.A warm bath and hot tea.
5.Sleep.

It is so, so hard in the early stages of this to get through the day. I have been there, and I remember how terrible I felt. I never believed I would feel better. It didn't matter what anyone said. But the truth is, TIME helps you. It does. If I am here posting that I am better than I was 2 years ago, believe me, anyone can make it, because I was very sick and depressed for many months over this.

I wish we didn't need a forum like this, but since we do, I'm glad so many share helpful tips to get the newcomers through the darkest days.