You've helped me a lot in the past so let me wade in here a bit. This is totally out of left field and I'm not sure how viable it is but have you tried not being nice? What I mean is, you're description of what you have tried in the past all seem like "nice" things, the kind of things a loving husband would do. The question that immediately jumps to my mind when something related to an R doesn't work is "What's the opposite?".
So if you've been nice, maybe you need to be more demanding. Find some leverage somewhere. We will talk about this and we will treat each other with respect during the talk or xxx will not happen. I'm not saying be a jerk, just don't be a pushover. There is a standard of conduct for how we treat others that everyone should be held to; hold her to it.
Again, out of left field, thinking on the fly. May not be viable in the least but maybe it'll get some ideas flowing for you. Good luck.
