Hi, Those of you who have followed my story know that H came home in July after a MLC, A and other life and relationship ruining antics! Anyway, I am glad he is home and we are going to MC...but I still feel angry, at times sad and anxious that I am going to be put through this again. H is giving me no reason to feel this way, he changed jobs so he no longer is in the same building as OW everyday so that is positive. I have days when I think about what happened and literally want to spit in his face! I get overwhelmed by the feeling of anger and want to rehash things with him about WHY and HOW he could do this?? Those of you who have had your S come home how did you deal with these feelings? I go to IC and she says it is normal but the whole situation literally HITS me at the weirdest times...little triggers almost bring me to tears.. How did some of you get through this?
I can't offer any advice, but I do want you to know that I'm here for support and hugs !!! I can imagine that the path you are on is MUCH harder than just sitting at the curb like so many of us are doing.....I wish you strength and endurance !! xxx
((((((((((((((LOVE))))))))))))))))
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
The problem is the MC tends to side with H and has told me if I can't deal with it, it is my problem...not in those words exactly...she did say I can't focus on the past but I feel like I am putting myself on the line... I am still trying to do a good job with all the comments I get and how stupid I am for taking H back...all I say is Unless you are faced with what I was faced with you don't know what you would do. I try to let the anger go...that is why I do not have a conversation about it daily with H...I have learned to talk "fairly"...I am one of those who would drag everything but the kitchen sink in.... I definitely have changed...I am just so hurt. Does that go away??
thanks Cinders! It is a blessing that H and I are working on things...it is just so much harder than I expected. The "honeymoon" of him coming home is over as we settle back into routines. Now that it is not so "new" anymore, I have more time to think...I don't know...this forgiveness thing is not easy!
warning danger will robinson........get a new MC....there should be NO taking sides. because in MC this has to be addressed....he needs to make you feel safe
its hard....check out my thread.....I do not know how this happened but my anger is gone...i totally forgive The best part is it happened before H came home. I will say that has made it much easier. though H is still waiting for the old me to surface....hes learning as I am.
I think the phone calls issue will bring us closer. Im not angry....im hurt....but not angry not consumed with anger of how dare he.....just vulnerable as the councelor put it.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
I struggled with it like this also. Time and reading and talking to others helps me. It still hits me but gradually less and less. I am 15 months on from reconciliation. It does get easier.
I found that I kept pushing my H away and testing him to see if it was genuine. I did almost become a WAW as well. Ow resided in my head 24hrs a day and nearly consumed me even though she had gone from my H's life.
I have been having Cognitive behavioural therapy and that has been very helpful. I have taught myself to break the ruminating on things in my mind. I had found that I would go round reliving it all in my head when my H wasn't there and I had to stop that before it destroyed all I had fought so hard to save.
Now I find things a lot easier. My therapist helped me realise that it was OK to be hurt and angry but not OK to show it to my H or take it out on him. I had to deal with it. I have not been to a C with my H.
Find something that you enjoy and you can concentrate on when negative thoughts invade you. Whether it be a nice thought or something you do like going to see a friend, find something that brings you peace.
My H and I also are actively doing things to make new memmories - we have lunch together once a month; we go to the pictures once a week, we make a big thing of our anniversaries and the kids birthdays to over ride the bad times that happened on those dates. We communicate and communicate and communicate.
It is so very hard but it is worth the effort!!!
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I can't give you all the answers since I never had the chance, but I have watched others and see how hard it is.
As for the nice version of "if you can't deal with it, it is your problem", all I can say is that these are your feelings and no one else's. Thus, there is no one else who can deal with them. I am not sure there can be any other side to it. No doubt, it will take time, but you can't let the negativity creep in if you are going to hold this marriage together.
You got good responses already but I know it sometimes seems like no one answer fits completely. So consider a touch of all of them since they are all positive.
Keep one eye open on that MC and suggest that you aren't sure you are getting the support you need in order to make things continue there. A good MC must know how hard this is for you and how oversimplified it must sound to say just get over it. Who needs a degree for that and what is such advice worth by the hour?
Consider your own IC to help with the negative feelings you may need to resolve for yourself, in more positive ways.
Most of all it does sound like you need to recharge your "Patience Patience Patience" ... for yourself. Admit that this is going to take a while and that you can do it ... while those who aren't supporting you just need to STFU.
