still trying, now separating

[Dom R]

No, you misunderstand me. I do believe that one person can make a difference. However, the difference you can do is to make changes and hope that they will choose to come back to you. You cannot fix the M alone, it requires their willing participation.

nope, thats not what DB says :-)

DB isn't about fixing the M, it's about getting your R to a place where they are willing to work with you on fixing the M.

i'd say it's about fixing your behaviour, to effect changes in your marriage, to the point where they are willing to stay in it.
IDEALLY, they will be motivated to also try stuff. but that is not what DB is about. i think you're getting confused with marriagebuilders books or something

Again though, I don't have a choice here. We're going to separate. I have no say in that.

yes, you do. She has said that she wants to separate, based on HER conditions.
You DO NOT KNOW if she will still separate, if she has to do all the work herself and actually move out 100% full time.

But wait, there's more...

It sounds like you need help managing a REAL relationship. getting back to a fake long-distance one, wont solve your "real relationship" problems. you gotta learn something new, to do that.

Actually I think what's been missing from our R was the very thing we had during that long distance phase. We talked for hours every day, shared our independent lives with each other, supported each other, etc.

Anyone can have that frufru stuff, if they dont have a real life relationship.
The work part, of "marriage takes work", comes from working on keep sharing that stuff, while you also have conflict over the day-to-day- living together problems.

It really sucks because here I am, for the first time really ready to be what she needs. I want to talk to her for hours, not because I'm needy but because this has woken me up and made me see what an amazing woman she is. And now of course we have had times where we've had those really good talks and all I get out of it is that it's because she said the M is done that we're just friends now and it proves we're better as friends than spouses.

I dont think that that is ALL she needs. to just "talk for hours". I'd bet dollars to donuts she needs more than just that. But even if that is it; if you separate, and you "talk for hours", you have just proven her point: that you are better off separated, than living together.


So, the really important questions:
Why is "now" different from the last few months, of what you describe as "ineffectual"?

What would you do differently now, if she stayed?
Please dont avoid the question by saying, "she's not going to stay...." Just say why and how you think you are really changed now, rather than just desparate?