Hey -- don't mean to hijack Jen's thread, but I will respond to what H's pain was and that was exactly what you just described about the lack of physical intimacy, etc. in our marriage.
Yes, he was completely and totally wrong in having the A's (pleural I might add) and I do not place the BLAME on me at all in any way, however, HE felt validated in the A's in the fact that he was not getting what he needed at home and that was not just the physical intimacy, but the emotional connection as well.
I don't like playing the blame game... I could blame our problems on my wife's lack of intimacy, and she could blame her lack of intimacy on something that I do or don't do and it could go on and on. The bottom line is, WE had / have a problem...how do we fix it ?
Now, don't get me wrong, I do not think H was truly RIGHT in any of what he did. He truly could have gone about the whole sitch in a totally different way. Unfortunately, the A's began way back when our 7 yr old son was only about 18 months old. He was deployed, feeling neglected before he left, therefore cheated (supposedly no sex but WHATEVER at this point).
I agree, I don't condone what your husband did. I can see WHY he did because I've had those thoughts in the past, just never acted upon them. And if the truth be known, I'm sure your husband did not get what he was expecting out of the affairs. My guess is, he was expecting to fill the void left by the lack of intimacy in his R and from what I gather, affairs usually don't fill that void too well. My thinking was / is, "I don't want to be intimate with OW, I want to be intimate with the woman I love, nothing else is going to fill that void"
Anyway, I am just so very glad that I had my wake up call and it was in time to work things out and right now all I want is for him to get home (he's again deployed for a year) so we can get on w/ this wonderful, intimate marriage I now want and will work daily for.
I will also add that your W probably has no understanding of how much pain you truly are in daily by the lack of the physical/emotional intimacy. I'm glad things are getting better for you, but I hope that she truly understands what you have been and are going through as far as feeling rejected, lonely in your own home, etc., because I didn't get that until it was almost too late.
She seemed to be under the impression that it was just sex I was after. I don't know what made things finally click in her mind. I openly communicated with her how important it was to me, how much it hurt to continue to be rejected, it's not just about sex, it's the physical / emotional intimacy that comes with it.
I'm going to continue this over on my thread -- sorry Jen
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Been thinking too, been feeling low all day - a bit weepy, no motivation to do much more than slob out on the sofa, a huge desire to stuff chocolate right down my throat ... many women will recognise the symptoms ....
yep I think it may be hormones!!! I get the depo injection every 12 weeks, got my next one tomorrow. I have noticed I get a bit hormonal just before it ... hopefully that is what my low spot has been, or at least my hormones have exacerbated it.
But - I have my "fix" tomorrow morning so we'll see after that. I am SO GLAD I kept to the 48 hour rule and thought before speaking !
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Coming in a bit late here, and I hope you're right that you'll be back on top of things tomorrow.
FWIW, I certainly understand the way you feel. After everything they put us through, it would be nice if they would at least ACKNOWLEDGE it all and grovel a bit, wouldn't it? H3ll, I have never even heard "I'm sorry". Just goes to show - this stuff doesn't just magically resolve itself into Happily Ever After - but that doesn't mean it's not worth trying, either!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
it would be nice if they would at least ACKNOWLEDGE it all and grovel a bit, wouldn't it?
Oh yes it would be lovely!!! But it isn't really the be all and end all - a happy present and future is the goal
(But your post made me laugh right out loud!!!! I love being so non-DB at times, kind of like being a mad teenager, stomping about shouting "I HATE YOU, YOU'VE RUINED MY WHOLE LIFE!!")
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Can I join in? I TRULY THINK YOU ARE A REAL A$$ SOMETIMES AND WOULD LIKE TO PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE NOSE FOR WHAT YOU DID & SAID TO ME!
Speaking of hormones, here I go through this hysterectomy surgery just to find out that, no I'm not going to have periods anymore, but since he left my ovaries I still PMS! How weird is that?!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
but it will probably prevent you from getting osteoporosis and risking getting easy fractures so be glad of the PMS it's presence might save your life one day as people, particularly women, die from hip fractures.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
