Still trying to win WAW back (#2)

[mkultra]

My H told me the same excuse! He said he was 6 months ahead of me in the process of detaching. Maybe he was right but it feels so unfair! Just agree. She is already out he door, her heart is out the door. Chasing her will move her out the door faster. In fact the only thing that will give her pause is DBing immediately. That will take a lot of positive confidance. You need to have the confidance that you can be happy without her and the afith that she will be with you in the long run.

Re God,etc. I did read that certain religions have higher divorce rates per capita on a Christian marriage website. It did mention that Retro, which is Catholic based, has helped decrease the numbers of Catholic break ups, while Evangeical Christian divorces are on the rise. Followed by Muslim and Jewish numbers. Atheists being the lowest for some interesting reasons.

Anywho believe in prayer and have faith that you will have the same Northern Star someday. She will see that the grass is not greener if you have some patience.

[theforlornhope]

Dave, my STBXW is already detached too, and has said almost word for word the things your wife says. I think they have to do that prior to the D bomb.

I really hope that she goes to the retro weekend. I envy you that. I don't think I can even bring that up to my STBXW now.

Your posts are great, you seem to have made great strides in DBing. Keep up the good work.

[still trying]

I feel like I'm a few months behind you guys My W sounds very similar. Wants to believe things can be different but feels like trying again is just opening herself to more hurt. No idea how to get through to her.

Part of the reason I'm agreeing to a separation is that I feel like if I don't things are just going to go downhill and she'll get to that point where she's set on a D all the sooner. Unfortunately my W rejected retrouvaille, she's rather anti-religion and had tried it with her previous H and said it was too much religion for her.

I am hopeful since she's going to IC and so I am, and she has at least entertained the idea of MC in the future. I think I really screwed up though, she had suggested it before but I never scheduled because at the time it seemed like she had given up and wasn't willing to work on the M so I thought it would be pointless. Of course now she tells me that was just further proof that I didn't care. DOH.

[hiscott]

She sounds pretty detached right now and just about the only thing that you can do is let her go. You can try retro, but if she is as closed as you say that she is, it may not be the right time. Stop the pursuit. Stop trying to talk her out of what she has decided to do. Just about all that you can do is show her how you are strong, that you will choose happiness, and that you hope to have the opportunity some day to rebuild your marriage.

[DaveJ]

Yeah I had my chance for MC but I screwed up as well and refused due to that John Gottman book saying most MC are whack and messes you up even more. *sigh* I guess I could've gave it a chance.

I'm not sure how much Retro will influence her. I hope maybe at least break down some of her walls and allow us to have even a chance. She hasn't close the door to the future but she's definitely very closed off to anything that has to do with us right now. She's wanting to be friends, but says she isn't ready to work on an in depth friendship.

My suggestion for separation is. Don't ever talk about your R and don't pressure. Give her space. Unfortunately my W is stubborn and has her mind made up for a while and isn't patient enough to see things through. And her IC kinda pushed her a little to end things. Too bad she never followed through with what she said on wanting to see the new me and working through her own problems first. And it's just sad for the kids and me that she's already wanting to go dating.

Don't envy me. I'm not holding my breath for Retro. The hardest thing is trying to be her friend and raise the kids half the time by myself when I still love her with all my heart. I just don't know how to detach. At the moment I feel like crap. Not necessarily mentally. My body is basically shell shocked from her D bomb 2 fridays ago. It is completely overloaded and starting on Zoloft has made me dead tired. I just feel like completely spent. I guess I'm basically just holding on and trying to survive everyday. I really don't want to get my hopes up for Retro because I can't take any more disappointments.... Every time I pick myself up I feel like I get beat down....

[mkultra]

The way I see it, retro would have been good for us if we had tried it at the beginning of our problems. Maybe a few months after my H 's post partum depression. I think I was so consumed with my new baby I did not notice what a toll it had taken on my H. He was pretty bad off looking back. I even think my H may be interested if his mistress dumps him and he decides he misses his family life but I realy do think I am too far removed to do much more DBing. But I also feel I have to exhaust every avenue before I throw in the towel. Keep picking yourself up, dust yourself off, stamp down that dirt and rise above it.

[DaveJ]

Thanks for the encouragement. Right now I just want my STBXW's walls to come down so she can see some hope, some reason. She is so closed off by pain and resentment right now.... Right now mentally I'm doing ok, just very weary. My body on the other hand feels SO exhausted. Like I've been run over by a semi every single day. I keep hoping that I can keep food down when I eat. I was dry heaving this morning from anxieties that I don't even know where from. But I don't want to keep taking anti-anxiety drugs. It just makes me sleepy and probably going to get me addicted....

[azhira]

Hey Dave.

Sorry to hear it sapped your energy.

I had some weird panic attacks a few months ago. I'm not even sure what it was really about, because the triggering events seemed to minor in comparisons. I just kept reminding myself that it really was okay, and finally they went away.

[theforlornhope]

Dave, I know exactly what you mean about the exhaustion and nausea. I can finally eat again, but I am still physically wiped out. Working out helps believe it or not. It helps me sleep sometimes too. (if you're interested I have a great weightlifting workout I can drop in the mail to you that knocked 15 pounds off me in about 4 weeks. The D bomb diet did the next 10 in less than that.) Protein shakes helped me with the nausea too.

I too wish that the walls would come down, but I'm here waiting right beside you.

My GAL activities have helped a LOT with the anxiety.

Hang tight, stay strong for your kids.

[DaveJ]

theforlornhope, I don't need to lose any more weight. :P I lost 18 already. I really need a weightlifting workout that lets me add some muscle weight. My STBXW doesn't like it when I'm bone skinny. And it's really not helping right now.... So it really doesn't hurt if I gain some significant muscle weight. If you have anything like that I'd be really interested.

BTW, how long did it took you to be able to eat again? I really want to eat. I'm so starving. :P But I will try to start working out again next week when I return to my normal schedule....

Thanks for the encouragements all.

azhira, next time you got panic attacks, I got pills for that. :P