Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

[LoginName]

So here I am, in Arkansas, visiting my W and daughter. This is strange. It's strange being separated. It's strange being in "her" house. But y'all know that peicing, in any form, is strange.

The first day my W and I are together is always the toughests. This is the first day. I'm working from home (her house, telecommuting)and she went to work, but she came home for lunch. Awkward.

Here is what I'm feeling. I'm feeling she doesn't want me here. I'm looking at her, and at "her" house, and I'm seeing the same frumpy, overweight, messy person that I was married too. Worse - uninteresting person, unable to have an interesting conversation with me, unable to enjoy the things I enjoy. Can I enjoy what she enjoys? Not a lot. How much TV can a person watch?

I'm thinking, why am I bothering? Am I doing this for the kids? I bet there is someone else out there who would like to share a life with me, who would be interesting and interested, who would be happy to see me. Would the kids be hurt at this point if we divorced? We would stay friends, and keep their safety as our first priority. Nothing would be different if we divorced, except, maybe, I could find more peace and happiness by myself, or with someone else.

Why did I drive for 14 hours straight to come here? My daughter, of course, and the hope that my M can still survive. Is it worth it? Yes, my D is great! It's worth it to see her.

So, it's the first day. Maybe the next day, or the next, will be better. Maybe we'll have a good talk or resolve something. I fear what we'll resolve is to divorce.

Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer too. Should I ask her what she wants - if she wants me and wants to see if we can build a relationship, long distance and all? What if her answer is No. What if her answer is I don't know? What if her answer is Yes? What is my answer?

I think my answer is I want to rebuild our marriage. I think I'm ready to move on if need be too. I know it will still hurt like hell if we divorce, but I know I can do it.

I think my W's answer will be that she is trying, but doesn't really know what she wants.

How long do I wait? How many times have I seen that question from people here? And what is the answer - Only you can tell when you've had enough.

Damn her. I still think we can be great together and have a great chance to acheive a great marriage.

Well, wish me luck. Maybe tomorrow things will get better.