All hope is lost/help

[cat03]

hope all is ok Dis)))))))))))))))

[Evie]

Hi Cat, thanks for stopping by. how are things with you? hope work has eased off a little? I quess if we're busy it takes our minds of our M....

Update on stich, wouldn't mind your input,

Today was the funeral of my friend, H took me, V suportive, arm around me, held my hand, we talked, not really R stuff, just a little about who we had told about stich etc I told him that if anyone were to ask me at work (we both work for the same company, different ends of the campus though)I was just going to confirm the separation but say we were trying to work things out, H agreed. He stayed with me until he had to go back to work.

My XH was at the funeral and we talked for the first time since our D (13 yrs ago), it's been quite an emotional day!!!.

H came back after work this evening and had a cup of tea and has just left to go back to his new house.

I told h that the boys wanted him to come on holiday with us just for the day and 1 night, but he said no, it would be to much.

H has lent me his car for the trip, done tires, oil, fuel etc

H is taking my D shopping next week (never ever done that) for stuff for her trip abroad, he's making a huge effort with boys and been nicer and more considrate to me than he has been in a long time.

I know you will all think these are positive signs, but I know h just wants things amecable anf friendly maybe like you A i may end up seeing more of him and have a better R this way??? I pray that time and space will bring us back together??

I needed him today and he was there for me and he looked dead horny in his suit.. aybe I should text him and thank him again?

Hope you have a good week.

Laters

XD

[RedHeadWife]

I understand what you mean that the way he is acting is trying to keep things friendly & amicable. That's good though. You guys need to be friends again before you can start piecing again anyway.

Just go w/ the flow. Make sure you keep your DB face on at all times. I honestly think that actually being separated may be the best thing.

I wouldn't contact him any more than you HAVE to. Get out there & show him the woman he would never want to D. Figure out how to be happy w/ YOU and your life w/o him and then let him realize that he still wants to be a part of it. You can figure out how to fit him back into your busy, happy life once he gets it together and wants to come back.

[cat03]

ditto word by word what red said.
Now that the tension is off he will have time to calmly think things through, see if this is really what he wants, perhaps he will find that leaving the home didn't get rid of his unhappiness (my H found out the hard way)
I think it is a blessing he's being amicable during the S, he will see you in a different light now, if you keep with your DB principles, will see what he could be coming home to. I think your S sounds like a constructive thing, you both were on edge before and now you both can look at the whole pictures.

Glad to hear from you, I keep you in my prayers, keep workign on yourself and GAL when you can))))))))

[Evie]

Just returned from my week away so back in the world of civilisation!!

Plenty of time on my own to reflect or analyse...

H phoned everyday I was away to speak to me and the boys, I made sure I sounded upbeat and happy (which I was I was), I've taken plenty of pictures which H has seen how much fun we had.

I don't feel desparately unhappy with the current situation, my H worked such long odd hours that in a way he is the one that is having to consider his responsibilities to the boys/family a bit more. H took my D shopping yesterday as promised to get some gear for her 6 months abroad, and they seemed to have had a really good morning.

The thing is I am going with the flow, we do need more communication about arrangements for the boys, but i'm sure that will either fall into place to suit both of us, but i'm not sure how to re-connect with H and move conversation onto more interesting subjects rather than work and children. I'm the person he still calls first when there is a problem at work or he had a problem with my car on the motorway and he called me straight away..... It seems he has moved out physically but maybe not emotionally?? I read another post that said that while they are still interested in you and the family and doing some together, keep inviting him in, if he hesitates then back of a little, which I think is sound advice.

Need to go for a while, speak later.

XD

[Evie]

How long was it before your WAS wanted to return home? I can't see my H ever wanting to return home if i'm honest. I think even if he decided he had made a mistake he wouldn't admit it, he can be quite proud/stubborn in that way.

Although I am taking it one day at a time and always have my DB face on when I see him, I feel I have no direction atm and i'm not sure what to do next, I feel i'm just plodding along and just happily accepting the situation. I want some goals but i'm not sure what or how to start. H phones or txts me every day, mainly to speak to the boys but he does ask me how I am and i always say 'fine, good thanks'. He woulddn't want to hear it if i wasn't fine. But I would like it if he appeared happy/pleased to see me when he does.

Any suggestions for goals or actions at this point?

XD

[cat03]

my H took 8mths. Seems you are in the right direction luv, but it does get heart, dbing or not dbing, it is still limbo and it will get to you here and there. Give yourself permission to grieve and cry, then get up again and count all your blessings.

[Evie]

8 months wow... Did you stay in contact in that time, how did you DB in that time?

I just have this low feeling that in 8 months time my H will have moved on completely, how do you convince them otherwise?

We were texting backwards and forwards yesterday trying to to plan xmas presents and access to the boys and in the end i said 'why don't we just meet for dinner on saturday and discuss all this', as he never answered I assume he doesn't want to?. He was the one 2 weeks ago that said to let him know when i was ready to go for dinner and now i am, he isn't. I don't know whether to contact him or not contact him? I haven't contacted him unless i've had to, H has been contacting me numerous times a day, but now he is stopping doing that so much after yesterday, maybe because he knows I have been avoiding most of his calls, now i'm confused whether he is cross, just giving me space or has moved on and not bothered.

Today is a low day, I miss him. It was hard when he was at home, it's easier now the pressure has been lifted, but I still wish we could talk. We do talk, but it's in passing, we don't sit down and have a conversation, he seems happier to talk via phone/text rather than face to face, why is that?

Do you think he is struggling himself?

Azhira said she showed a lot of interest in her H's new place and goes shopping for furniture etc, She said it opens up a new topic of conversation and new interests. I haven't shown any interest or asked any questions about his new place, do you think I should?

How are things with your H?

XD

[cat03]

how do you convince them otherwise
=======================
You can't. Well, in a way we did have talks, in which he'd always ask me "but why do you want me back? I wouldn't want me back?" or "it is too late, too much has happened" all the while I'd tellhim that I married him for better and for worse, that he had given me so much love in the past years that how can I not wait out this storm, that I loved him regardless all that had happened, that I too messed up.

About dinner on sat. wait until tomorrow to ask him again, after all, you can't put all your plans on hold for him, make your own plans without being too accomodating, just b reasonable.
It could be that today he is either busy or tired or has no questions for you. Just relax, don't get hang up on him and what he does do or not do.

Hugs)))) Ss are not easy, it is ok to be sad, but don't wallow on it for too long. Well, you can't have a usuar R because he just doesn't live there, it is just more convenient to talk over the phone, do yourself a favor and dont' analize every detail or you'll drive yourself crazy.

Who knows what his struggles are, but I'm sure this is not easy for him either.

I never asked any questions about my H's appartment, just some general questions, my H didnt' want to talk much about it either, personally I was too hurt to show some genuine interest about the place, I was just hoping he wouldnt' stay there long.

Things are the same, H still unable to give the affection I need, and I promised i wouldn't have expectations of him, so we r still trying to be civil with each other.

hope u feel better hon)))))))

[Evie]

Hi Cat,

Feeling much better today, thankyou for your clarity. Your right I do over analayse, that has always been a huge problem with me and H used to say I over analaysed, but's it's hard not to.

Your right about treating him as I would a friend, when you put it like that it seems an easier way to move forward and deal with the current stich.

After I posted this H called last night, so we chatted a for a bit, mainly arrangements for the boys for the next few days. He called me again this morning with regards to the business. I guess its better than him not calling, right?

I had my mom over for dinner last night. She is pressurising me to make a decision about xmas. (she thinks i should just forget about H, move on, get divorced and not consider him at all....) I always have xmas at mine but this year she wants it at her house because its easier with the current stich, i'm invited but not my H. I'm in a very awkward situation. Last year mom and brother came to my house and to cut a long and boring story short it was not a nice time unfortunately.

I'm planning to say to H that i'm at home all day on my own with the kids and he is more than welcome to come over xmas eve and do the ritual of preparing the boys stockings, stay over and stay for dinner or to just come over on xmas day? or to just do whatever he is confortable with? Then telling my mom that it's a very different stich this year and i hope she'll understand but I want to be at home this year and i'll see them on boxing day.

I also have H's b'day in a week and our A on 12/12. I just plan to buy a nuetral card from me, but cards and pressie's from the boys. As for my A thats a harder call altogther. What did you do?

Civil is good, what do you do for your PMA & KLA?

XD