He's on Match.com

[Dom R]

agent:

are you going to do the "get in shape" thing, or not?

I still believe that, whether you go the retrouville route, or the direct talk route, it will be beneficial for you to do it before you either talk to him, or before you go on the weekend.

[Trixi]

Am I going to get in shape?-yes.

Last night he was poking around in the fridge and said something about not much food; he asked if I was eating out a lot and I said "nah. Just not eating much." and he said "Oh, are you losing weight?" I said "to a degree" and left it at that.

My weight fluctuates.

Last night we had lots of "action" on the couch and then upstairs in the bedroom.

This morning brief snuggles because I had to go get DD to take her to work.

STILL not entirely clear what to do about other house; what is going on with us. He wants to cancel tonight's dance lesson (he has to study for a test tomorrow) but still go to Wednesday's lesson.

I don;t think I "sold" him enough on retro' (there isn't one locally until after the first of the year anyway, so I guess that's okay.) I am wondering if I should just send him a link and leave it at that?

Last night I woke up and again had huge anxiety thinking about how that it might be the last night we ever sleep in the same bed. This is very hard on me.

Oh, re match; it was an old profile (from when he first moved out)- he doesn't check it often and he said "OHHHH- so it was you and BFF that were looking at my profile. I wondered who the two people were that we looking but hadn't filled out their own profile." IOW, I think he gets notified when someone looks at his profile. heh. And when I said "NO Baggage?!?" he said "Everyone has baggage. I just didn't want people to think since I said I was separated, that I had a crazy, stalker wife."

[Dom R]

Am I going to get in shape?-yes.

Last night he was poking around in the fridge and said something about not much food; he asked if I was eating out a lot and I said "nah. Just not eating much." and he said "Oh, are you losing weight?" I said "to a degree" and left it at that.

My advice to you, is to not beat around the bush with him about that.
If you're really planning to "get in shape", that means both eating well, AND an excercise program.
The sooner you pick one, and let your husband know about it, the better for your relationship, if you really intend on doing it.

PLEASE trust me on this, and do it today. you're running out of time here. Why put it off any longer, if you really plan to do it?


As far as retroville goes... typical school of thought would say, "no pressure". but with your wierdo husband maybe you need more pressure.
Once again, though, I will suggest that you bring it up, only after you have announced that you are starting an excercise program. For multiple reasons:

1. it will put him in a positive mood about you, that you are trying to fulfil his desires in that area

2. it shows that you are willing to change. which in itself, may make him also more receptive to change himself.

PS: little do they realize, that he DOES have a "crazy stalker wife"... ahahaha....

[Trixi]

it's all a moot point.

Tonight we were IMing about DD car, etc. My phone rang and it was the agent for the lease house seeing what I had decided. I said I wasn't going to move forward at this time.

I IM to H, "Lease" house agent wanted to make sure I didn't want the rental..I don't, right?

H "Yeah, we can't afford it right now."
Me "oh. Is it just about the benjamins?"
H "I don't want to talk about it."
Me "Well, all you have to do is say "yes it is" or "no it's not"
H "I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT"
Me "Heh. Yeah. Ok."
and then he put himself on 'busy'

AnyHOO- Yeah, stupid me for asking, stupider me for asking more than once; and even STUPIDER ME for thinking that yesterday evening/last night meant anything at all.

Oh well.

[Sara]

99,

He runs hot and cold, but he comes back. So that's not so bad. I think Dom makes a good point. Why not let him know you plan to get in shape. Telling someone is a strong incentive to follow through. You follow through on a change that he wants, and it's easier to ask him to follow through on a change that you want...like attending Retrouvaille.

My daughter logs off on me all the time when we IM. Apparently that isn't considered as rude as hanging up the phone on someone. Or at least, I try not to take it personally. The next night she comes back, and I avoid whatever the taboo topic was.

[hiscott]

Agent99,

I dont know if you need to tell him that you are planning on getting into better shape, but I definately think that you should for many reasons. First of all, it feels good. Plus you will be happier with your self for doing something positive and improving your appearance.

I still think that you should stop letting him have his cake and eating it too by telling him that you dont feel right about having sex with him if he cant commit to working on the marriage. That might shake things up.

Be strong.

[NikB]

(((Agent99)))

You already know this but you pushed him for an R/M "answer" before he was ready to give one. You asking had very little to do with the house, I'm guessing. (and he saw it, too).

DETACH.. please, focus on this. Just for a week even.. focus on this.

[Trixi]

Regarding "telling" him about getting in shape; actually probably a bad idea. In the past 12.5 years, I have joined (and quit) gyms several times, with years of not going in between. He has a membership to a gym thru his company, but he doesn't go to that and he is a little doughy in the middle, so it's not like he is Mr Universe.

I really do hate it. I wish I could say "well, I liked it once I got there" or "I felt great afterwards" or something-- but no, I just hated it. I have also tried step classes and spinning classes, didn't like that. I have two left feet and am not quick at picking up things that have to do with "put your left foot here and do this with your right hand". yes, I am discouraged right now.

Wow- a light bulb just went off in my head. One of his complaints is that I 'start things' and then quit. He had mentioned a couple craft things and a couple story ideas; regarding the crafts- I actually work on a craft until I think I have it down and then move onto the next thing. (He had pointed out all the different craft supplies.) For me, as a crafter/dabbler, I will go back and pick up things later-but I do go thru an initial 'passionate' stage of learning.

Anyway, I wonder if he had also lumped gyms into that, but didn't want to bring it up...

If he told me he was going to quit smoking, I would probably out loud say "great, I support you, etc" but in my head I would probably think "uh huh. just like the last 10 times you "quit". I'll believe it when I see it. I sure hope you do it this time."

Maybe we need a month or two of no contact (visually) so I can get on the ball, lose some weight and shape up and the difference would be obvious. Of course, I guess I would be running the risk that he would find some hottie in the meantime, schtup her and ruin our fidelity; but that could happen whether i see him or not.

[NikB]

I see an awful lot of focus on your H and who he wants you to be, things you are guessing he wants you to do, etc.

Are any of these things changes that YOU want to make, for yourself?? If not they will be temporary, feel fake to you, and be obviously fake (and likely come across as manipulative) to your H.

If they are changes you truly WANT to make for yourself then by all means, go for it, but it's dangerous territory to start morphing yourself into someone who's "not you" just for your H.

Of course, I guess I would be running the risk that he would find some hottie in the meantime, schtup her and ruin our fidelity; but that could happen whether i see him or not.

Yep. Totally out of your control.

[Trixi]

Are any of these things changes that YOU want to make, for yourself??

In theory, yes. I will get gung ho and try to psyche myself up that *this* time, it will be different and I'll like it. And then I go and white knuckle it for a few weeks until it just peters out and I stop going. Then I pay for many more months of membership until I finally admit I am never going back and quit entirely.

I don't know what the solution to that. I wish there were a magic pill that would make it seem fun to me. Has anyone ever overcome this? Oh, FYI-- I am still able to shop where 'regular' women shop, so it isn't like I am some 400 pound woman that is huffing and puffing my way around town, and need advice like "just walk around the block one time". I am physically quite capable of exercise-I could stand to lose 30'ish pounds-- I just seem to have a real mental block.