Nomopo's Thread

[Nomopo]

Good morning!

Well, some time in the last week or so (not sure when, but I bumped my thread about five days ago), my last thread "disappeared." I really have no idea why. If anyone does, please let me know. I haven't heard from a moderator or anything. On a previous thread, about four days of posts were deleted. I wish someone would explain what's going on.

My recap/summary is at the bottom of this post.

I had hoped to respond to some of the other posts on my thread, but guess I can't now. So let me share something different/interesting that happened to me this morning. I was lying in bed about 6:30 am, and all of sudden I felt very very sad. I was sad about the loss of time with my W as a friend. It wasn't the loss of love, the loss of intimacy, the loss of my W or M that struck me. Rather it was thinking about the fact that we used to do so much together, spend som much time together, as friends/(life) partners, just doing everyday stuff. Like on the weekends. We were a team. We truly had a life together, in every sense, even if it was flawed and far from perfect. We have tackled so much together, done so much together, faced so much together for about 13.5 years, and I realized I missed that, and that it is very sad. But it really hadn't hit me like that until this morning.

Last week was my W's week in our house. Saturday morning I met her and the kids at S7's soccer game at 8:30 am. As usual, pleasant and friendly. Afterwards, while walking W and kids to W's car, W mouthed to me "do you want to go to lunch/hang with us?" so the kids wouldn't hear in case the answer was no. I said I couldn't, as I already had plans for the day. S7 was sad when I said good bye, and he said he wanted me to spend the day with him/them. I said I couldn't, but that I would see him Sunday. On Sunday, I met them at the house around 2 pm to pick up S7 for a few hours of cub scouts/soccer practice. At about 6 pm, W called to ask me to bring S7 to MIL's house for dinner. They were bringing in Chinese food and my BIL and his wife would also be there. W said I was welcomed to join them. I said I already had plans for dinner (which I did). When I dropped S7 off at MIL's, I visited only for a few minutes (left my car running in the driveway). MIL asked me if I had eaten or if I wanted to sit down and eat with them. I said I couldn't, that I had plans for dinner. She gave me a slightly surprised look.

Maybe these weekend events/invites triggered my sadness this morning. It made me realize that our lives are distinct now. We are truly separated. We do very little together. We spend less than a few hours together a month (around kids events, exchanges, etc.). That is so drastically different than the last 13.5 years it is somewhat shocking.

And it made me think this is the life W has chosen or seems to be choosing. Spending the weekends alone with the kids, throwing MIL in the mix some, an occassional dinner with her immediate family and our kids. It is hard for me to comprehend that she could/would choose that over being with me, but that was the question W wanted to answer in the S - will I be happier alone than with Nomo. Wow. Let that soak in. Humbling. and, yes, it hurts.

Also, I don't feel like I am part of her family. They have all been very friendly to me, and have stressed that I am still part of their family and always welcome, but it doesn't/can't overcome what W has chosen. I don't want to have dinner with her family, or spend holidays with them. They were my family, I truly felt like that, W has decided to remove me from her life and her family. She wants me to leave, so it just doesn't feel right to be with them.

Oh well. Thought I'd throw that out there. That was this morning lying in bed. Feeling pretty ok now, but thought I'd share.

Later, and thanks,
Nomo

PS - I hope this thread isn't deleted. If it is, I hope someone can explain why.

----------------------------------

Here is a summary of my sitch:

Me: 39; WAW: 38
Married: Nov. 1997 (began dating Dec. 1993).
First marriages for both.
Son (7) and daughter (4).
Initial Bomb: May 8, 2005 (Mother's Day and D's birthday)
Traditional couples therapy started: Dec. 2005
"Maybe we should call it quits" Bomb: Jan. 22nd (aka "looking into the [divorce] abyss"); W not working on M
Emotional Affair discovered: Feb. 22nd
Ultimatum regarding EA given: Feb. 29th
Response ending EA, but not working on M, given: Mar. 4th
Divorce Busting begins ("rookie league"): April 10th
Solutions-Based, Goal-Oriented Therapist found: April 12th (Wife is going now!)
"Should we explore a separation?": May 10th
"I want a "trial" separation": May 22nd
Told kids about separation: June 9th (6:00 pm)
Separation implemented: June 11th
Unsure about status of EA; unsure what W is thinking

Some previous alien spew:
"We have no spark and there is no hope."
"We both deserve more."
"I am sad all the time." Depression?
"It's not my fault that it took 15 months of therapy for you to have a breakthrough and finally understand what you were doing and how unhappy I am."
"I do not see any hope of you changing and us being happy together."

[Torchbearer]

I'm glad you're doing better now Nomo. It is such a hard blow when that kind of reality sinks in. The fact that my H was no longer with me has been the hardest part of the whole thing. To my knowledge many of our years together were very happy, so his leaving has been a shock. We we best friends and we did almost everything together by choice. Not having someone to share the day-to-day with is the hardest so I know how you were feeling.

I'm not to your point of detachment yet and truly coming to terms that he is choosing another life without me - I think it is too painful to even look at.

Keep up the PMA.

[Not Much Left]

Yep
Think we can all relate to that one Nomo.

C

[Nomopo]

Hi TB and CVA,

Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the support!

We we best friends and we did almost everything together by choice. Not having someone to share the day-to-day with is the hardest so I know how you were feeling.

Well said TB. One comment, though: I do have other options to share the day-to-day, and so will you. But even if being alone isn't a/the problem/fear, it is still hard to realize that your R with your WAS is ending in this way too. It's just a sad thing.

Take care and keep your PMA up too.

One other thing I didn't mention in my first post. As I laid in bed thinking about this sadness, the thought occurred to me to tell W about it and see how she reacted. I quickly dismissed that thought.

W called a few minutes ago, after I started this new thread. She had a question about S7's school. It was quick call. I guess I sounded a little flat, although we purely discussed business. She asked at the end, "are you doing ok?" I quickly perked up my voice/tone, and said, "Yeah, I'm great! Thanks." She said "ok," and that was it. Bringing up the sadness would only be pursuit, and would do no good. I have to deal with this on my own, but that is hard because W and I turned to each other for so long to deal with this sort of stuff. She can relate, but she can't comfort. She is obviously in the thick of it with me too, and putting that Matzah ball out there would just make things more awkward/difficult. To quote my buddy NDDT: "It is what it is."

Also forgot to mention that this weekend W and I and the kids are driving to Austin to meet W's cousin (yes, CIL for those who have followed me a long time), CIL's father and CIL's twin 13-year olds for a football game. It is the first time the four of us (Nomo, W and kids) have done anything other than a meal together since the June 11th S-day (unless am I forgetting something). Months ago, I bought tickets for all of us, including W and told her she was welcome to come if she wanted. She chose to come. I'm a little nervous. I think I'd be happier and have more fun if she wasn't going. We are sharing a hotel room (W and D4 in one bed, me and S7 in the other). I plan to try to be as easy going, nice and pleasant as possible. And to have fun - yeah, you go Fun Nomo!

Later,
Nomo

[SunnySeason]

Good Morning Nomopo,

I don't have time to give justice to your post b/f I get the kids off to school, so I'll save it for when I return.

I agree, it is very sad to be excised from a M/family. Especially sad when it seems like the excise comes easily after all the time spent together.

You don't really know how your W is responding to your somewhat new, not only lack of pursuing, but almost a complete backing off of excepting any invitations to spend time with her. So, the jury is still out, in my mind.

Happy to hear that you pushed(in a good way ) past it.

Back Later,

Sunny

[new_attitude]

I was sad about the loss of time with my W as a friend. It wasn't the loss of love, the loss of intimacy, the loss of my W or M that struck me. Rather it was thinking about the fact that we used to do so much together, spend som much time together, as friends/(life) partners, just doing everyday stuff. Like on the weekends. We were a team. We truly had a life together, in every sense, even if it was flawed and far from perfect. We have tackled so much together, done so much together, faced so much together for about 13.5 years, and I realized I missed that, and that it is very sad.

(((Nomo)))
I know how you feel. That was a good description of the sadness I feel about my R w/H- far from perfect, but we were always a team.
Hang in there. I get a sense that it is not over b/w the 2 of you. You are doing a great job of giving her the space and time that she wants and she may just realize that she's missing all of the things that you're missing.
More hugs...

[Nomopo]

Thanks Sunny and T!!! Hugs back to both of you.

I can't remember all the posts that were on my last, deleted thread - I didn't even get to print it out, which bums me out cause I have all the rest. But I do know that BirdDog check in on me and I wanted to tell him I appreciate it, and I appreciated his comments. Thanks for the support friend!

Nomo

[Gone Dancin']

Hey Nomo,

Those moments of clarity are a SOB, eh! Like CVA said, we can all relate to that moment you had. I had a small one this weekend, myself.

But even if being alone isn't a/the problem/fear, it is still hard to realize that your R with your WAS is ending in this way too. It's just a sad thing.

No question, friend. No question.

Well, some time in the last week or so (not sure when, but I bumped my thread about five days ago), my last thread "disappeared." I really have no idea why. If anyone does, please let me know.

I'm not sure, but thought I'd add that I was looking for someone else's last thread a week or two ago and it had "disappeared" too. It's a mystery (but it could be that your thread is just too hot and racey! )

When I dropped S7 off at MIL's, I visited only for a few minutes (left my car running in the driveway). MIL asked me if I had eaten or if I wanted to sit down and eat with them. I said I couldn't, that I had plans for dinner. She gave me a slightly surprised look.

Probably thinking, "Wow, he must really be moving on now. Is he really at the point where he is okay with turning down opportunities to spend time with W?" Or "Hmmmm, is he now back on the market and dating/seeing someone?" What do you think the surprised look hinted at?

It is hard for me to comprehend that she could/would choose that over being with me, but that was the question W wanted to answer in the S - will I be happier alone than with Nomo. Wow. Let that soak in. Humbling. and, yes, it hurts.

Wow, doesn't that hit close to home! For me, realizing that W would rather be miserable with BF, broke, struggling, etc, than with me says a lot about how she felt in our M at the time of the separation. Painful is an understatement. I think my W would rather live this way than admit that she'd made a mistake to not work harder on fixing the M. Even if she wanted to come back, she won't do it.

They were my family, I truly felt like that, W has decided to remove me from her life and her family. She wants me to leave, so it just doesn't feel right to be with them.

Again, it's like you're taking a page out of my own story when saying this, except my inlaws and I have a better R than W and them do. However, I'm going to make sure I separate myself from the big family events (Thanksgiving, Xmas, etc) as well.

We are sharing a hotel room (W and D4 in one bed, me and S7 in the other).

That should prove to be an interesting situation, no?

I plan to try to be as easy going, nice and pleasant as possible. And to have fun - yeah, you go Fun Nomo!

Atta boy! Keep up your hard-earned changes, my man!

GD

[oldtimer]

Nomo,

Odd, I wondered why you weren't posting, I guess I just missed your missing thread.

Anyway, it is a tough road to follow, not being too available, not pursuing, yet not closing the door on your M. It sounds like you may be pushing W away.

Has she been initiating invites all along? If so, nevermind.

If not, notice that you turned her down twice in a row. Did you give her anything other than "no, I have plans"? I'm not suggesting that you should have changed your plans, but maybe: "that would have been nice, give me some warning next time so I can clear my schedule."

Keep in mind that it might be very hard for W to muster the courage if she is trying to reach toward you.

OTOH, don't let expectations go to your head. Many times, a WAS simply wants to be friends and has the space to do so once you let go. So, don't read too much into it.

[Nomopo]

Hello GD!

I'm not sure, but thought I'd add that I was looking for someone else's last thread a week or two ago and it had "disappeared" too.

Well, I hope it's not me or my subject matter.

It's a mystery (but it could be that your thread is just too hot and racey! )

Or not DB enough (never thought I'd say that!!).

When I dropped S7 off at MIL's, I visited only for a few minutes (left my car running in the driveway). MIL asked me if I had eaten or if I wanted to sit down and eat with them. I said I couldn't, that I had plans for dinner. She gave me a slightly surprised look.

Probably thinking, "Wow, he must really be moving on now. Is he really at the point where he is okay with turning down opportunities to spend time with W?" Or "Hmmmm, is he now back on the market and dating/seeing someone?" What do you think the surprised look hinted at?

Not sure. She's a little weird. Probably wondering what plans I had after 7:15 pm on a Sunday night. Truth is, I went to my new friend's house for pizza and to watch Borat. Couldn't really say that.

For me, realizing that W would rather be miserable with BF, broke, struggling, etc, than with me says a lot about how she felt in our M at the time of the separation. Painful is an understatement.

Good point.

I think my W would rather live this way than admit that she'd made a mistake to not work harder on fixing the M. Even if she wanted to come back, she won't do it.

I'm afraid my W may be this way too. I doubt she'd ever say, ok, I want to see if this works, so I will swallow my pride.

Again, it's like you're taking a page out of my own story when saying this, except my inlaws and I have a better R than W and them do.

That may be true for me too. CIL and I are definitely closer. And I am as close or closer to her two brothers (definitely closer to the younger one). Neither of us are close to her mom. My W may very well end up all alone, close to nobody. It's a real possibility.

We are sharing a hotel room (W and D4 in one bed, me and S7 in the other).

That should prove to be an interesting situation, no?

I hope it goes well.

Hi OT! Thanks for keeping up with me.

I wondered why you weren't posting

Haven't had much energy to post anyway. Taking a break from my tired old sitch. Also have been really busy the past 6 weeks partying, and that has worn me out. Have decided to take a break for a few weeks, and dry out. Need to lose some of this weight I put back on.

Anyway, it is a tough road to follow, not being too available, not pursuing, yet not closing the door on your M. It sounds like you may be pushing W away.

Has she been initiating invites all along? If so, nevermind.

No, not many invites. The occasional one, but this weekend surprised me.

If not, notice that you turned her down twice in a row. Did you give her anything other than "no, I have plans"? I'm not suggesting that you should have changed your plans, but maybe: "that would have been nice, give me some warning next time so I can clear my schedule."

This is a great suggestion. Thanks. On Sunday night dinner, I just said I had plans. On Saturday, I said I had plans and added that (among other things) I was playing tennis. I think I will have plenty of opportunity to be friendly this coming weekend.

Keep in mind that it might be very hard for W to muster the courage if she is trying to reach toward you.

OTOH, don't let expectations go to your head. Many times, a WAS simply wants to be friends and has the space to do so once you let go. So, don't read too much into it.

I understand the courage point, and also the caveat. My best guess is that she is just being friendly. I don't think she is reaching towards me. But I appreciate all your advice.

Later,
Nomo