Well, some time in the last week or so (not sure when, but I bumped my thread about five days ago), my last thread "disappeared." I really have no idea why. If anyone does, please let me know. I haven't heard from a moderator or anything. On a previous thread, about four days of posts were deleted. I wish someone would explain what's going on.
My recap/summary is at the bottom of this post.
I had hoped to respond to some of the other posts on my thread, but guess I can't now. So let me share something different/interesting that happened to me this morning. I was lying in bed about 6:30 am, and all of sudden I felt very very sad. I was sad about the loss of time with my W as a friend. It wasn't the loss of love, the loss of intimacy, the loss of my W or M that struck me. Rather it was thinking about the fact that we used to do so much together, spend som much time together, as friends/(life) partners, just doing everyday stuff. Like on the weekends. We were a team. We truly had a life together, in every sense, even if it was flawed and far from perfect. We have tackled so much together, done so much together, faced so much together for about 13.5 years, and I realized I missed that, and that it is very sad. But it really hadn't hit me like that until this morning.
Last week was my W's week in our house. Saturday morning I met her and the kids at S7's soccer game at 8:30 am. As usual, pleasant and friendly. Afterwards, while walking W and kids to W's car, W mouthed to me "do you want to go to lunch/hang with us?" so the kids wouldn't hear in case the answer was no. I said I couldn't, as I already had plans for the day. S7 was sad when I said good bye, and he said he wanted me to spend the day with him/them. I said I couldn't, but that I would see him Sunday. On Sunday, I met them at the house around 2 pm to pick up S7 for a few hours of cub scouts/soccer practice. At about 6 pm, W called to ask me to bring S7 to MIL's house for dinner. They were bringing in Chinese food and my BIL and his wife would also be there. W said I was welcomed to join them. I said I already had plans for dinner (which I did). When I dropped S7 off at MIL's, I visited only for a few minutes (left my car running in the driveway). MIL asked me if I had eaten or if I wanted to sit down and eat with them. I said I couldn't, that I had plans for dinner. She gave me a slightly surprised look.
Maybe these weekend events/invites triggered my sadness this morning. It made me realize that our lives are distinct now. We are truly separated. We do very little together. We spend less than a few hours together a month (around kids events, exchanges, etc.). That is so drastically different than the last 13.5 years it is somewhat shocking.
And it made me think this is the life W has chosen or seems to be choosing. Spending the weekends alone with the kids, throwing MIL in the mix some, an occassional dinner with her immediate family and our kids. It is hard for me to comprehend that she could/would choose that over being with me, but that was the question W wanted to answer in the S - will I be happier alone than with Nomo. Wow. Let that soak in. Humbling. and, yes, it hurts.
Also, I don't feel like I am part of her family. They have all been very friendly to me, and have stressed that I am still part of their family and always welcome, but it doesn't/can't overcome what W has chosen. I don't want to have dinner with her family, or spend holidays with them. They were my family, I truly felt like that, W has decided to remove me from her life and her family. She wants me to leave, so it just doesn't feel right to be with them.
Oh well. Thought I'd throw that out there. That was this morning lying in bed. Feeling pretty ok now, but thought I'd share.
Later, and thanks, Nomo
PS - I hope this thread isn't deleted. If it is, I hope someone can explain why.
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Here is a summary of my sitch:
Me: 39; WAW: 38 Married: Nov. 1997 (began dating Dec. 1993). First marriages for both. Son (7) and daughter (4). Initial Bomb: May 8, 2005 (Mother's Day and D's birthday) Traditional couples therapy started: Dec. 2005 "Maybe we should call it quits" Bomb: Jan. 22nd (aka "looking into the [divorce] abyss"); W not working on M Emotional Affair discovered: Feb. 22nd Ultimatum regarding EA given: Feb. 29th Response ending EA, but not working on M, given: Mar. 4th Divorce Busting begins ("rookie league"): April 10th Solutions-Based, Goal-Oriented Therapist found: April 12th (Wife is going now!) "Should we explore a separation?": May 10th "I want a "trial" separation": May 22nd Told kids about separation: June 9th (6:00 pm) Separation implemented: June 11th Unsure about status of EA; unsure what W is thinking
Some previous alien spew: "We have no spark and there is no hope." "We both deserve more." "I am sad all the time." Depression? "It's not my fault that it took 15 months of therapy for you to have a breakthrough and finally understand what you were doing and how unhappy I am." "I do not see any hope of you changing and us being happy together."
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
