My Wife wants out..still!!

[dadtotwo]

My original post has been locked. Here is my sitch...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1158379&page=9#Post1158379

I have decided to not just give in. My D5 and my S4 are having a very difficult time and I will not roll over and see my family torn apart. If my W wants a D so bad then she will have to file the D papers. There are no legal grounds here in NY for our D so this will be a problem for her if I don't agree to mediation.

I will stand for my family and I take responsibility for my poor choices but she has a responsibility to our M and our family that she doesn't even acknowledge. All she says is that everything is my fault, she hasn't been happy for a long time, and her feelings will not change. OM or not, my family belongs together and I will not quit....Period!!

[dadtotwo]

My W is relentless with bringing up the papers to be filled out for the mediator. She says that she doesn't want to go through a L and have me served and is hoping to do this amicably. I suggested that we go to family and parent counseling, before doing the papers, so we can be prepared to parent seperately. She has refused stating that we will not get back together. She only sees this as an attempt to reconcile but it is more important to get us to a better place in our R so we can be the best parents we can under difficult circumstances. If she was to open her eyes during PC that would be great.

I am refusing to cooperate since she left and wants a D so she will have to be the one to end our M.

Am I doing the right thing???

[dadtotwo]

I am bitter and angry at how she now looks at me as "less than a man". She didn't have a problem when we built our new house, drove nice cars, went on vacations and had 2 children. By the way, our D was born after 2 years of doctor visits, injections and procedures(WHICH I WAS THERE FOR AND WAS THERE FOR HER WHEN SHE NEEDED ME MOST)!!! Now, I am no longer worth the effort as I am the man and, according to her, should be the "backbone" of the family that she can count on.

She jumped at the chance to be a stay at home mom and then made no effort to reach out to me or help in any meaningful way. Granted, I needed to grow up and take control of the situation but I was left to "fix it" and since I couldn't, she leaves and wants me to roll over and sign papers to expedite the D.

Of course, the OM "listens" to her while she claims I didn't. What a load of c@#p!!! I don't remember her coming to me to talk in a loving way or show that she gave a damn about our family. She claims to have lost her identity over the last few years. She wanted to be a mother and she is. She just wanted to live the good life and expected me to provide it and when I failed, she took off.

Where was the partner I was supposed to have. I did my share of messing up but when does the blame end??? She feels her life is better without being married to me. Yet, I am learning through C and being truthful with myself that I need to grow up and be responsible for my family and my M.

If she wants to end this then she will have to have me served. Here in NY she has no legal grounds for a D and needs me to agree to mediation or she will have to wait well over a year to get a D.

I made poor choices, I have accepted responsibility and I am learning that I have to grow up and be strong. Our family is worth the effort especially when I spend a night like tonight with my children alone and they want to know why we can't all be together.

I know that tomorrow I will get "have you filled out the papers" which occurs every Saturday when she has her Friday night free to go out with friends, or date or whatever. She chose to be a Mom and it was her choice to stay in only that role. I would have supported any efforts she would have made to go back to school or have taken on a full time job.

My PC says that I will gain nothing by making the D difficult because I can't control her only myself. However, this is business and I will be man enough to stand up to her and not roll over.

I am sick of the blame and how funny(in a pathetic way) that I can financially get us to a good place, but when I falter, I am no longer the provider she needs.

[Jeff223]

Hey Mark,
First off I can really relate to what you are feeling b/c I went through the exact same feelings when I started down this road 21 months ago. What you are feeling is normal. I just wanted you to know that.

There is no right or wrong path. Do what is right for you.

But realize, that if she wants a divorce bad enough she will get it. You cannot control that. You just need to determine what is best for you and your kids. That is hard given your emotional state. No one is suggesting you quit or roll over or not stand up to her. Will "refusing to cooperate" yield a positive result for you? Are there other alternatives?

Yes you are growing up and learning to be strong. Use your courage to do the best things for you and your family. Use your honor to *know* that you are doing right. Use your strength to follow through and to maintain your boundaries, without resentment or revenge.

Go to a park, clear your thoughts of her, and think about you. Right now you are letting her control you. Step back and examine things as objectively as you can. Maybe a path will reveal itself.

Strength and Honor.

[dadtotwo]

My W appears to want to set a new record for the quickest D in New York history. She is ready to end our M because she is convinced that I "cannot change". According to her, there was too much deception on my part. She also says that she "lost her partner" and there is no hope for us. She says that she has continues to think about it, cry about it and just can't see that there is any hope. Her feeling is that there will always be these issues with us and she will always be wondering when something doesn't seem right. I asked if she really thinks about us and she said that we have been together for 15 years and have 2 children which is why she "does" think about it. She tells me how much it hurts her when I drop off our children and we have to say "goodbye". Where is her compassion?

I am not willing to have a decision that will effect four lives be made without some counseling first. If she will not agree to counseling then I am left with no alternative but to tell her to have me served with D papers. If I am to be a weekend Dad, I will make every attempt to try everything first. Years from now, if we do get a D, I want to look my children in the eye and say that I tried everything to keep our family together. Why is she so unwilling to tr

[dadtotwo]

W calls and leaves a VM that the attorney/mediator is in the office so I should call. I did call just to understand the process and the cost. It is obvious that my W is adamant on getting us a D as quick as possible. I do not want a D and am prepared to hunker down and fight!!!

We have not done any counseling and she doesn't want to try. I suggested that we do parental/family counseling which she is somewhat agreeable to. I also want to propose the "Relationship Rich" seminar BEFORE we finalize anything. I just cannot give up on my M but she doesn't care about me or our family.

I need as much feedback from all those here that I can get!!!

[Pudmuddle]

Hey Mark,

I am in a similar sitch as my husband keeps asking about us going to a mediator every 2 or 3 days. I told him last night, in a very calm DB way, "I do not see that as a solution to our problems. Every marriage goes through this phase and here we are now". I didn't say anymore about him getting counseling or the things we have done wrong in our marriage. He was very quiet for a LONG time, and then said "K" and got up and left. I think it gave hime more to think about because I didn't beg and cry for him stop this and take me back. I realize you have kids involved and that is difficult to not talk to her, but maybe back off even more and try not to react to what she says. My H is still under the same roof and we have a 10 yr old, so that is hard to deal with daily seeing him.

I haven't heard how this affected him yet, and am just patiently waiting for him to come talk again and am learning to always be prepared "as if" the situation were really good between us and he just needs to chat. That keeps me from coming at him like a loaded down MAC truck. I also tend to think of my H as "going through a phase" like your children would and that makes me connect at a different level with him. Just looking at him as a friend who needs help, while not being condescending.

I hope this helps somewhat. We are here for you.

[dadtotwo]

Anyone else??

[Just_Me]

Anyone else?

Sure, why not, but I don't think you'll like it.

You actually are following the typical path for someone that is going through this process. I wouldn't say it's DB in the sense that you "try something else" or that you focus on yourself. You aren't the first guy who felt that dragging his feet and demanding counseling was fighting for his marriage. Yeah, it's fighting, but it's pretty much ineffectual because you are keeping your wife focused on the negative, controlling aspects of you, rather than letting her see the positive aspects. That's why she points out your faults so much...because she has to keep convincing you why you aren't right for her.

So, what I see in your posts:
1) You focus on what she is doing to the family a lot and basically on her negatives. Does that give you time to work on yours? She is doing this because she thinks it's right, just like you think saving the marriage is right. It comes down to a difference of opinion. Know how to change her mind? Show her a guy that she wants to be with.

2) You are still very bitter and angry about her decision. You need to tone that down. Try to see things from her perspective. It isn't all about hurting you...it's running from what she sees as a hopeless situation. Can you accept that she feels this way? Is it possible for you to be kind and compassionate despite how this is shaking out?

3) It isn't giving up when you don't drag your feet. It's trying to move the D from front and center and give her the opportunity to see you for the person that hopefully you are trying to be. It's taking the spotlight off the nastiness and letting her look at you again. When she gets a lawyer and is forced to make you quit dragging your feet (which, by the way, looks controlling to her and is all about winning), she will have the nastiness of this whole thing front and center, especially when you lawyer up to get your kids as much as possible. Believe me, it's better to save the relationship first and then worry whether you have a piece of paper that says, "divorced", on it.

[Heimlich]

Mark,

I was just trolling for your thread and was going to write something very similar to what JM just posted.

You are fighting her tooth and nail. Drop the rope. I can tell you from first hand experience that when I went through the D mediation with my W, she almost immediately became more relaxed around me. You also have to accept that your marriage is OVER. I know, that's tough to swallow. You are working on rebuilding a new R, and hopefully continued M, with your W. What you had is done. If it was strong enough, you wouldn't be here now.

As JM says, show her the strong man she married. Don't show her bitterness and anger.

Finally, what's a D? It's a piece of paper. Same with a M license. It's paper. Focus on the R between the two of you and making interactions with you pleasant. Stop focusing on "marriage" and "divorce". You're driving yourself nuts and your W away.

BD