Have you ever tried completely agreeing with her? I've read this in several places, that with a sitch like this if you tend to always completely agree with her she'll actually start to defend you. Something like:
Her: You always have to be in control of everything. You: You're right, I've acted like a complete jerk. Her: That's right, you never listen to my opinion and you always have to have it your way. You: I know, you are so right there, I have never listened to your opinion. Her: Well, sometimes you do. I mean most of the time you don't but there are times when I do feel like you listen.
Not that it's that easy, but Homer talks about it as mental jujitsu. Rather than pushing them back you allow their momentum to make them fall forward and suddenly they start defending you. I don't know that it always works, but if what you're doing isn't working it's worth a try.
