I've been casually following your posts, but don't get a lot of time to post here in Iraq, but your post struck a chord with me, simply because I could have written your post about MY situation.
Someone I talked to called it "undifferentiated anger". It seems to have no real basis, except the overall "I'm unhappy in the marriage" roots. I, like you, am trying to re-enter into the same kind of relationship.
The same person pegged my W. as an "injustice collector", putting each and every transgression into a jar, all the while never forgiving and never forgetting.
My W. is identical. Anger all the time. She and my D17 were involved in fist fights. The behavior tore the family apart, all the while W. blaming D.s behavior on a "bad marriage". It got so bad, my D is now at a special intervention school in Utah, and still seems to blame my W for everything.
With all due respect to Sara, we tried Retrouville 2 years ago. BOTH of you have to be WILLING to hear what they say. It sounds like your W. is much like mine. She'll NEVER be able to hear you. Retrouville is like DB in a way. Love is a choice, not an emotion..... My W. sat there for 2 days, arms folded with a puss on like she had been sucking lemons, while I poured my heart out in the letters that they make you write. If she's willing, that's fine. If not, be prepared for 2 days of agony.
I understand your frustration because I bent and twisted gave and gave, and nothing has or probably will change. I used to never stay home or pick my kids up when they were sick, thinking W's job was easier for her to leave. OK, bad move. After we tried marriage counseling, I stayed home every time one of our kids was sick. Not once or twice...every time. I told her I had a lot to make up for. No effect. That was as a big deal for her, and her response was "You do that for them...not for me" OK. I get it, it didn't get to the emotional needs thing, but Acts of Service......all that. My W. has NEVER said she was wrong or accepted blame for anything in 21 years. Each and every time, I gave in and said "I'm sorry", even if it had nothing to do with my behavior. After a while, if someone doesn't extend a hand out to you, like our Ws., and make themselves vulnerable, you will eventually harden yourself. That causes a lot of resentment and frustration over the years. Sara is also right. It's a Mars-Venus thing. Women can hold on like most guys cannot. I've moved on 5 minutes after it's over.
Here's a case in point: for years, she agreed to cook, and I cleaned the dishes. When her super angry period kicked in, she stated that she did all the meal planning, and it was a huge burden. I asked what I could do to help. She got angry because I asked instead of just doing it. OK. Got it. She came home the next night, and I had prepared dinner. It was on the table as she arrived home. Her comment: "I hope that you used the chicken that was in the refrigerator, and did not spend good money on more food". She could always decide when it was time to order out. No problem, which cares? One Friday, I asked the kids what they wanted for dinner. D17 said "Chinese". OK. Ordered Chinese. W's response: "So, you're going to let D17 call all the shots?" (What???? I just asked if the kids wanted take out, like we usually did on Friday. The following Friday, W. asked what everyone wanted. D17 replied pizza. W picks up the phone and orders pizza. You can never win.
So. the answer. You are not alone. many of my friends and some of the folks on this board have said my w. is sick. She may be.
When we were separated for about a month, she called me one Saturday AM from S9's hockey rink, about 15 minutes from home to ask me where his jersey was. I had taken him to practice the previous Wednesday. I told her it was in the basement at home. "Click". Hung up. It was my fault that she did not check the bag. Had I hung up...we'll you know the rest of the story.
