Now I've done it...again #5

[nephartiti]

Well, here I am again. Still no contact from H. I have sent a few pics of the kids here and there. Usually, I at least get a TM saying thank you, but not this week. Hope he's ok. I'm sure he's ok.

We've had a great weekend. I went to my Brother's on Sat and was actually able to leave the kids with him for a half hour while SIL and I sat in the jacuzzi. That was 30 min of heaven and the first break I've had in weeks. I felt so rejuvenated. Then, all of a sudden, on the drive home, I just felt so lonely. I just couldn't stop crying. I know I am capable of living this way, I just don't want to. Then I started thinking of how things will be if H does come back. I'm just not sure it is possible to make things whole and healthy again. Maybe he's having doubts too, because he is MIA. I didn't cry very long, actually, but it left me feeling empty and tired.

Today was all about the birthday party! Everyone had so much fun and the kids exhausted themselves. They fell asleep on the way home and I thought I was getting off easy, that they would sleep through the night. No such luck. They are both wide awake now. It's going to be a long night because now I'm tired...

One more thing I feel compelled to share. I believe in God, but honestly am not too big on praying or the like. These times have literally brought me to my knees, so to speak. Anyway, I had a dream about H last night. I can't even remember the details, just his face. When I woke up, I was praying for guidance and help dealing with my side-anger, emotions, trust, etc. Psalm 84 came to mind.

Now, let me just say that I open my bible less than I pray. When I say Psalm 84 came to mind, it was simply "go look up Psalm 84" because I had no idea what I would find there.

I reluctantly got out of my soft warm bed to dust off my bible and crack it open.

King James Version:

Psalm 84:11-12
For the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly

O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man that trusteth in thee.

Psalm 85
Lord, thou hast been favourable unto thy land: thou hast brought back the captivity of Jacob

Thou hast forgiven the iniquity of thy people, thou hast covered all their sin. Selah

Thou hast taken away all thy wrath: thou hast turned thyself from the fierceness of thine anger

Turn us, O God of our salvation, and cause thine anger toward us to cease

Wilt thou be angry with us for ever? Wilt thou draw out thine anger to all generations?

Wilt thou not revive us again: that thy people may rejoice in thee?

Show us thy mercy, O Lord, and grant us thy salvation

I will hear what God the Lord will speak: for he will speak peace unto his people, and to his saints: but let them not turn again to folly

Surely his salvation is nigh them that fear him;that glory may dwell in our land

Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other

Truth shall spring out of the earth; and righteousness shall look down from heaven

Yea, the Lord shall give that which is good; and our land shall yield her increase

Righteousness shall go before him; and shall set us in the way of his steps

(note that the Daylight Devotional Bible uses the word "faithfulness" in place of "truth")

So, I am going to try to follow this and learn to put my own anger aside so that my "people" (my family) may once again rejoice (return to joy). Even without H, we can not be happy if I am angry. That grumpiness is just contagious. This is not how I want to live. This is not how I want my children to live.

This is my goal--to let go of my anger. I know it won't happen overnight, but I will keep my focus in this direction. Regardless of what the future brings, I will find happiness. As Gingersnap says "I choose joy." In the process, I will strive "to keep my thinking true and my bahaviour sound" (thanks CaseyMooCow). I will get there... eventually.