Now I've done it...again #5

[nephartiti]

Well, here I am again. Still no contact from H. I have sent a few pics of the kids here and there. Usually, I at least get a TM saying thank you, but not this week. Hope he's ok. I'm sure he's ok.

We've had a great weekend. I went to my Brother's on Sat and was actually able to leave the kids with him for a half hour while SIL and I sat in the jacuzzi. That was 30 min of heaven and the first break I've had in weeks. I felt so rejuvenated. Then, all of a sudden, on the drive home, I just felt so lonely. I just couldn't stop crying. I know I am capable of living this way, I just don't want to. Then I started thinking of how things will be if H does come back. I'm just not sure it is possible to make things whole and healthy again. Maybe he's having doubts too, because he is MIA. I didn't cry very long, actually, but it left me feeling empty and tired.

Today was all about the birthday party! Everyone had so much fun and the kids exhausted themselves. They fell asleep on the way home and I thought I was getting off easy, that they would sleep through the night. No such luck. They are both wide awake now. It's going to be a long night because now I'm tired...

One more thing I feel compelled to share. I believe in God, but honestly am not too big on praying or the like. These times have literally brought me to my knees, so to speak. Anyway, I had a dream about H last night. I can't even remember the details, just his face. When I woke up, I was praying for guidance and help dealing with my side-anger, emotions, trust, etc. Psalm 84 came to mind.

Now, let me just say that I open my bible less than I pray. When I say Psalm 84 came to mind, it was simply "go look up Psalm 84" because I had no idea what I would find there.

I reluctantly got out of my soft warm bed to dust off my bible and crack it open.

King James Version:

Psalm 84:11-12
For the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly

O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man that trusteth in thee.

Psalm 85
Lord, thou hast been favourable unto thy land: thou hast brought back the captivity of Jacob

Thou hast forgiven the iniquity of thy people, thou hast covered all their sin. Selah

Thou hast taken away all thy wrath: thou hast turned thyself from the fierceness of thine anger

Turn us, O God of our salvation, and cause thine anger toward us to cease

Wilt thou be angry with us for ever? Wilt thou draw out thine anger to all generations?

Wilt thou not revive us again: that thy people may rejoice in thee?

Show us thy mercy, O Lord, and grant us thy salvation

I will hear what God the Lord will speak: for he will speak peace unto his people, and to his saints: but let them not turn again to folly

Surely his salvation is nigh them that fear him;that glory may dwell in our land

Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other

Truth shall spring out of the earth; and righteousness shall look down from heaven

Yea, the Lord shall give that which is good; and our land shall yield her increase

Righteousness shall go before him; and shall set us in the way of his steps

(note that the Daylight Devotional Bible uses the word "faithfulness" in place of "truth")

So, I am going to try to follow this and learn to put my own anger aside so that my "people" (my family) may once again rejoice (return to joy). Even without H, we can not be happy if I am angry. That grumpiness is just contagious. This is not how I want to live. This is not how I want my children to live.

This is my goal--to let go of my anger. I know it won't happen overnight, but I will keep my focus in this direction. Regardless of what the future brings, I will find happiness. As Gingersnap says "I choose joy." In the process, I will strive "to keep my thinking true and my bahaviour sound" (thanks CaseyMooCow). I will get there... eventually.

[LooseThread]

Ever so glad I could help neph.

I'm sorry he's gone MIA on you. I'd say he's confused as well.

No matter....look after yourself adn the littlies. You have a life that is yours to live!

[mkultra]

You mentioned thinking about the way it will be if he does come back again. How do you see that happening in an ideal situation? Maybe if you can visualize it, you can establish some small goals to help you move towards that reconcilation. Perhaps you go to the marriage retreat. Perhaps you begin again. Perhaps you quietly act as if. I have read that a lot in Piecing. That the WAs just kind of comes back meekishly and hopes everything is back to normal like it was all a dream or a mistake gone wrong. This is exactly how my Mom DBed with her partner. No questions asked. The door was opened. They dated and travelled and slowly her partner came back solidly a few days per week while they both kept their own places. But they act as if there was no separation. her partner did meet two smallish goals. To quit smoking and to spend more time with the grandchildren. Those were my Mom's only stipulations and were easily met. Maybe that is how you can visualize your H's return. My mom and her Partner just ignore the fact that they both dated others during their separation.

[SallyM]

I'm sorry you haven't heard from him, but I hear you on letting go of your anger. its hard to do...impossible sometimes...but it feels so much better than stewing in it.

love the psalms, neph.

[SallyM]

hey neph, am thinking about you. hoping the fires are nowhere near you. take care.

[LL44]

Sounded like a nice weekend, neph. Sorry about the no contact.

[nephartiti]

Thanks everyone. I think I kind of blew it today. So much for my anger goal. I really dont know what triggered it. I just snapped. Actually, I do know what triggered it. I just got sick of H not following through with his word. I'm tired of the empty promises, I'm tired of doing the work of two parents. I'm tired of taking responsibility for his and my flaws. I'm just plain tired, and today I let it get the better of me.

I totally instigated a fight. It actually wasn't a huge blow up, but I know I said all the wrong things. I told him I was tired of accommodating him, tired of empty promises. I said the kids deserve a full time father, not an occasional visitor. I told him I deserve a full time H that wants to be with me, who values who I am and what I have to offer--somene who will not throw it away so easily.

You know what he said? "You're right". Then he said he would come and get the rest of his things by the end of the week.

[LooseThread]

Let it go neph. From where I sit they were things that you needed to say as opposed to reacting.

Just give it time. You threw a lot in his face and the easiest thing for him to do would be to run.

Let time pass. See what happens. Don't force contact. Let him come back to you. If he doesn't, then pffft. You tried....

[nephartiti]

I just feel so angry. I have never been like this. I've always been a little hot headed, but lately, I really feel just plain out of control. Right before H left, I was seriously depressed. I was prescribed meds. I never took them. I feel out of the depression, but I'm starting to wonder if I really am unstable. Something just clicks and I go off. There seems to be no stopping me. It just has to run its course, but the course is so detructive. There's got to be a better way. I have to find it. I don't like who I am like this. This is not how I want to live.

[LooseThread]

I know what you mean....there's times when he's saying crap and I just want to hit him (it's worse if we're in a confined space like a car). The feeling is so strong....it's awful...I feel so..primitive and irrational.

Does this one help?

Keep your temper. If you are in the right, you can afford to keep it. If you are in the wrong, you can't afford to lose it.

Easier said than done...but hope it might help