Oh man, to know with almost 100% certainty that they are together has to be so hard. My thoughts are with you. Don't contact her at all today, let her find you. And do not mention last night, not one single bit.
Jarhead, This will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life, but you must work on detaching. Do not contact her unless absolutley necessary. Do not ask her any questions unless it has to do with finances or children.
Read everything you can get your hands on, it helped me tremendously helping me understand what is going on and giving me ideas of what to do.
LWB is right, all you can do right now is be her friend. Think of her as a casual friend that you would lend support to if they need it.
I'm sorry Jarhead, I know how bad it hurts. Once I truly detached from H and gave him space things started going so much smoother. Believe me, this did not happen overnight.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
So today went well!!! I was going insane not hearing from her, but I stood strong and didn't contact her. She finally texted me saying she was coming over for the laptop. I was busy with the girls, so it was a little while before I responded. She shows up and looks OK.. she'd been out all night and evidently got trashed.. so not like her!! Anyway.. I got a VERY nice hug.
I played as if and didn't ask any questions. She volunteered all info. As she left, she gave me another VERY nice hug and said "I wish you were there last night... evidently I was dancing very nicely" I responded "I would've liked that.. I enjoy watching you dance" and that was it... I felt like she wanted a kiss, but I didn't go for it.
I went to a friends house to watch the Bengals (WHO DEY!!!) and she called.. she was surprised I was there and talked to the D's. She complained about how the D's didn't care about her and neither did I.. I told her she knew better than that. I told her I enjoyed the hug today.
She texted me later telling me to tell the girls goodnight and she enjoyed the hug too. I responded that I would and that I enjoyed her talking about the dancing as well. She responded "good"
Last I've heard... what do you guys think?
I'm not going to expect much, but sounds positive.. even though I know where she is.
I think you did exceptionally well. It sounds like she was a little sad that you and girls were out doing something without her. She needs to see it will be like that a lot if she chooses to continue D. The hug sounded nice, not just like a brotherly hug either.
Like you said though, don't get your hopes up too high. Their moods will change like the weather. All you can do is just keep doing what you're doing it sounds good. Let her pursue and make all the contact! Good going!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
As hard as it may be, you need to keep going like you are. Acting like you could care less whether she wants to be w/ you or not. Acting like you will be just FINE w/o her. She's seeing that she is maybe having some fun on the side, but still wants you in her life.
I think a HUGE thing you could do right now is to not text/contact her. Just do what you are doing and let her wonder where you are and what you are doing and let her be doing all the contact. Like YoYo said, let her see first-hand what she's going to be losing if she goes through w/ the D. The grass will not be greener. Partying, etc. may be fun for awhile, but it will get old and the single scene will too.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I texted a few times when the Bengals scored and when we won. Nothing... she responded later and apologized saying her phone was in her car. I know what that means.
I replied and said it was all good.
Nothing since. She pinged me this morning to have me bring in extra clothes for youngest D. She's potty training and requires extra clothes.
I told W the other day I don't have much clothing.. also tells me she wasn't home last night.
Potty training, what a joy. S3 is doing that now. Still have S19 months to go; can't imagine not having diapers in my life
You're doing well. Let her get her "single-ness" out of her system. It's definitely not all that it's cracked up to be and she'll figure that out.
Obviously, I don't know you or your W, and only know what you tell us, but for some reason I get the feeling she still loves you and, if you play it cool, she'll figure that out and come around.
It truly all depends on how you play your cards right now and I think (like I keep saying) that it is all going to depend on you backing off, no texting, etc. and just letting her figure it out.
You may check out some of my early posts. She may be going through a lot of what I went through which was what led to H wanting a D. I was so very unhappy w/ myself after having the boys, well during the whole 7+ years of having the boys. I had no idea who I was anymore. Didn't like who I was. Didn't want to just be a "mom" -- still wanted to be a woman and my own person as well, but didn't know how to do that or feel that way.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
RHW - Where can we find your early posts? I'd be interested in reading those as my wife is feeling the same way about being labelled "wife" and "mom" instead of AHM (her initials). She has stated that she feels like she has lost her identity in the marriage and family. While I know what she means, I'd like to see if your posts can help me get a better understanding of what she's going through.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
just click on my "name" and it will give you the option to "view posts," but you'll have to figure out which ones are actually mine and which ones are just responses I made to others. Probably go back to really old ones.
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 10/22/0701:31 PM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I do want to go back and read your sitch. I appreciate the input.
I dropped D's off this morning and W was very happy to see them. She was very nice to me and offered me a high 5 that the Bengals won.
I went to take oldest to her class and W acted like she wanted a hug.. but touched me instead. She has this look.. almost as if she wants to just go back to the way things were.
I took oldest D to her class (with youngest toddling along) and youngest wanted to see mommy again. We stopped by her room and again she touched my arm and acted like she wanted a hug.
The other cool thing, maybe it's nothing, is lately when I've gone there I feel like everyone is either against me or feels sorry for me.
Today.. everyone seemed to be very nice and happy to see me.
Could be just me, or it could be that they all saw her act like an idiot this weekend. Possibly even disagree with her and OM as I believe they are just now coming out so to speak.
Who knows.. I just want to fast forward to the end. Can I do that? Where is that remote...
