ILY's & ML...no fights..this is a strange S! Help!

[SallyM]

I agree with neph (she is so wise, isn't she?) about not being there every time H comes over. don't re-arrange your life. show that you are out there GAL and reschedule/don't answer for what works for you.

[Gingersnap]

H came over to get the kids. We all had pizza with good convo. They both started crying before they had everything packed to go to the grandparents with Daddy. They were going to miss Mommy. D5 pitched a fit and just about got left as they were getting in the truck to leave. It's hard on them because they're with me all the time...plus it's late and they are both worn out from school and playing so emotions were high. The good news is I don't have to worry about H bringing them back

And of course it's hard for me. Those kids are my rock right now. Life is simply too busy to be lonely with them around. This house is just so empty with no one here. I'm getting a taste of what D would be like. And it stinks.

H was still in good guy mode and very nice. I'll count that as a blessing.

Off to blockbuster to see if there's anything worth renting.

[SallyM]

have you ever read the book, "the kissing hand?" Its supposed to help with separation anxiety as it pertains to school, if I remember the story. its very sweet, and the hand kissing part might help the kids when they leave. just a thought, anyway. I know that must have been hard.

hope you found something good to rent. hang in there.

[nephartiti]

I know what you mean about the quietness of an empty house. Try to see the silver lining. If it gets too quiet, invite friends over, go out, or listen to music.

Glad H is behaving himself. Take care.

[hiscott]

It's the contrast between a house full of kids with thier cries of joy, / saddness and the errie quietness of when they are gone. I dont like it either. Before the separation, I never seemed to be able to find peace and quiet, but now that I have it half the time, I hate it.

Movies help.

[Gingersnap]

I survived the weekend without kids! With only one photo shoot this weekend I was worried the emptiness would set in. But thankfully I had a ton of work to do and it kept the blues at bay. H called a few times over the weekend and used the old endearment terms for me like "honey" and "baby". I maintained my usual distance but was not rude or abrupt.

H brought the kids home and we all had dinner. I didn't want to cook again (I just don't think this is something required of me now that we are S) so I just did hotdogs. H was very affectionate and wanting to know if I missed him again. I hesitated and delivered a simple yes. He responded that he missed me too. I have to be honest...I think my detachment is working because I didn't *feel* anything when he hugged me. He stayed later than usual and then said he didn't feel well (we've all had the stomach flu and I think he may be getting it) and needed to go. From a db'ing standpoint things are going well. I haven't pursued, called, or talked about the R. Not once. And he's definitely showing more interest.

But I'm not even positive I miss him. I don't miss being treated like crap or a doormat. I don't miss his lies...over things big and things small. I don't miss his anger. Or his sloppiness. He's treated me poorly for so long I just don't know what to feel now. I know I want my family to be whole.

Is this what everyone talks about when they say the LBS gets fed up and lets the WAS go? I am not one to go with feelings, knowing that they are fickle and change daily. So in my mind I'm still working and standing for my marriage. I guess I'll deal with the gigantic mess it's in when we get to piecing. One step at a time.

I'm resisting the urge to clean out our closet, bedroom, etc of his stuff. It's on my nerves that he has this uber-private place that I don't know a thing about, a separate bank account, etc. and my life is still an open book that includes both of us.

Please tell me some of you feel this way. One foot (heck, one and a half feet) out of the game and ready to sprint in the opposite direction. I just feel dead inside when it comes to him. And very whole in all other aspects of my life.

[SallyM]

oh yeah, I am right there with you. and why don't you clean out his stuff? my bedroom has become my sanctuary. will be very weird, should be reconcile, to see his stuff in the closet again, for instance.

anyway, I used to be a recruiter many years ago. I used to have a boss who told every single person she sent out to interviews to make sure they asked for the job...they could decide later if it was a good fit, but if you don't get the offer, its not your choice. so I think I'm kind of working on that right now. I don't know half the time whether I even still want him, but I guess in a way I'm still working towards it until I know for sure I don't. I want it to be my choice, not his, if I can possibly help it.

[Gingersnap]

That's an excellent way to look at it, Morgan. And I think that's the direction I'm working in anyway. Just in case I want him back someday...play nice.

What do you all think about the closet thing? He never really moved out of the house. He just took some clothes and still goes in the bedroom to rummage through the closet and drawers for clothes. Should I insist he move it all out? Seems like I'm demanding more permanence. But he DOES have an apartment for goodness sakes....that's pretty darn permanent. I remember in the last separation he got all freaked when I packed up his things from the closet in a giant box. This was after 3 months. He came home within 2 weeks.

But I don't want him home now. Not until he's making huge moves to change. So should I do it anyway?

He did thank me tonight for everything I'm doing to hold us together. I wish I could have sent a roll eyes smiley over the phone to him.

Morgan what company did you work for as a recruiter? I worked with an advertising agency for 10 yrs. specializing in employment advertising and communications and I worked with recruiters from lots of national companies.

[SallyM]

do you have a guest room or the like that you could shift his stuff to? or maybe pull it all out to paint the closet/install an organizer/just do a good fall cleaning? nothing that feels permanent, but gives you the space. my case with h was easy. back in april he was in ct on business and I found info that he was still seeing ow. he had the balls to tell me that since I was mad at him, he was going to head to manhattan with a friend for the night instead of coming home. i told him when he got home, his stuff would be waiting for him on the porch. he made it home in record time, but not before I had it all in garbage bags on the porch. I swear I lost 5lbs hauling all his crap out of the closet...he has a lot of clothes. up and down the stairs. I was like wild woman on a mission.

even though he came back for a while, he never really did...he moved his stuff to the basement.

i worked for a small local company, so none you would know.

[Gingersnap]

I could do that...this is just all so strange with him. Anytime I make a move towards anything regarding the S he says "don't be silly..it's not like that" or "this isn't like last time". Almost a denial that we are S even though we are? But secretive enough to separate out his bank account and doesn't want me to ask questions about the apartment. I asked tonight if he had a microwave that he could reheat some leftovers in and he said no in an annoyed tone. Then said "I'll just eat it when I'm here".

So do I need to force more of a true feeling of S on him or is that counter productive? Or should I say screw him and do what works for me.