Out of the Abyss...

[ediemarie]

I don't feel like a whole lot has been going on - but I guess when I look over the course of the week some good stuff and not so good stuff has occurred.

We have been going around and around about H quitting his job...will this ever end? I from here on out will not bring the subject up with him. I have decided though that I CANNOT continue in this marriage if he doesn't make plans to find another job or have a conversation with Mr. Principal about the work situation. H and I spoke briefly about it on Thursday night. The conversation went something like this:

H: I owe you an explanation about why I haven't quit my job, yet.
Me: Well, that is something that is important to me.
H: I haven't quit my job because it doesn't really matter.
M: what doesn't matter?
H: it doesn't matter where I work, the problem isn't OW, it's me.
M: I know that. I know that OW is a symptom of the problems in our R and that you could have an A no matter where you work.
H: And because of that I don't think it's necessary for me to quit this job.
M: I understand how much the kids at school mean to you, and I know that you love working there, but step 1 of clearing up our situation is putting it all in the past. I cannot put this A in the past if you are still seeing her on a daily basis. And neither can you.
H: She's not the issue.
M: I understand that she isn't the issue, but I cannot stay in this M if you continue to work at that school. I just cannot open myself up to another year and another potential rekindled R with her. You are an adult and can choose not to quit your job, but I ask that you make your decision quickly so that I may make the decisions necessary for me.

The conversation wasn't at all volatile and it wasn't long at all. He ended it by saying that we would talk again some more about this. He hasn't brought it up since and I'm not planning on bringing it up either.

In other news, H left work 45 minutes late on Friday night. He claimed he was doing paperwork. In all my years of knowing my H he has never stayed late at work to work on paperwork on Friday. Anyway...I can't make these decisions for him, but I am beginning to feel played. Isn't that funny? All these years and NOW I'm beginning to feel played? I guess it's because of going to Retrouvaille. I felt that we both really opened ourselves up. Being treated like this after an experience like that is truly a slap in the face.

On the good side: H has been very affectionate. Not affectionate to the point of ML or anything close, but at least we're kissing on the lips on a daily basis - that's progress. I find myself waffling between wanting to leave him and wanting to keep working at it and wanting to just throw myself under the blankets and sleep for days. So tired...