ILY's & ML...no fights..this is a strange S! Help!

[Gingersnap]

I survived the weekend without kids! With only one photo shoot this weekend I was worried the emptiness would set in. But thankfully I had a ton of work to do and it kept the blues at bay. H called a few times over the weekend and used the old endearment terms for me like "honey" and "baby". I maintained my usual distance but was not rude or abrupt.

H brought the kids home and we all had dinner. I didn't want to cook again (I just don't think this is something required of me now that we are S) so I just did hotdogs. H was very affectionate and wanting to know if I missed him again. I hesitated and delivered a simple yes. He responded that he missed me too. I have to be honest...I think my detachment is working because I didn't *feel* anything when he hugged me. He stayed later than usual and then said he didn't feel well (we've all had the stomach flu and I think he may be getting it) and needed to go. From a db'ing standpoint things are going well. I haven't pursued, called, or talked about the R. Not once. And he's definitely showing more interest.

But I'm not even positive I miss him. I don't miss being treated like crap or a doormat. I don't miss his lies...over things big and things small. I don't miss his anger. Or his sloppiness. He's treated me poorly for so long I just don't know what to feel now. I know I want my family to be whole.

Is this what everyone talks about when they say the LBS gets fed up and lets the WAS go? I am not one to go with feelings, knowing that they are fickle and change daily. So in my mind I'm still working and standing for my marriage. I guess I'll deal with the gigantic mess it's in when we get to piecing. One step at a time.

I'm resisting the urge to clean out our closet, bedroom, etc of his stuff. It's on my nerves that he has this uber-private place that I don't know a thing about, a separate bank account, etc. and my life is still an open book that includes both of us.

Please tell me some of you feel this way. One foot (heck, one and a half feet) out of the game and ready to sprint in the opposite direction. I just feel dead inside when it comes to him. And very whole in all other aspects of my life.