There and Back, #10

[SallyM]

back from the photo shoot and the kids, well, did not do great (s3 was a little stinker), but we'll see how the pics come out. my friend thinks she might have gotten some decent stuff...even if we have to do individual pics for the x-mas card. we had to do this a couple of years ago and it turned out cute. looking forward to seeing what she did get.

now for the bad stuff. H came and dropped the kids off today and things were okay. I was in a good mood, the kids were in a good mood, H even seemed to be in a good mood. then he started in about what I did last night, asked if I watched the game (I did). he automatically assumed I was at some bar with some guy, I didn't tell him I was sitting on my own damn couch alone. he started making snide comments about some of the guys in my cell phone. I didn't even realize he had gotten his hands on it again, and i was completely confused. normally I keep my phone with me at all times and delete the caller ids from it when I know he is coming, but I guess I haven't for a while. then I realized he had gotten his hands on it (apparently when I went downstairs to do laundry thursday night), and I told him to leave his hands off of my cell phone, it is none of his business, etc. He kept making comments so I said, okay, buddy, lets see what's on yours. he didn't have it on him (shocker) so I ran for his car to get it.

yeah, I know, dumb move, but then it became a mission and we were goofing off a bit and boy, I'm guessing there was stuff on that phone he didn't want me to see. I had it at one point, but he's bigger than me by a lot and I didn't have it for long. problem was, well, one thing I have learned is that I can't have physical contact with the man. I can't. I am gross....lets just say it turned into a wrestling match that turned into something else entirely.

what is it with me that if this man gets his hands on me, I can rationalize anything? seriously? its just gross, but at the time, damn it feels good.

this is one of the sickest parts...he started to say her name at one point (switched to mine, but first letter is different). it was toward the end, and I should have just gotten up right then and there, but I didn't. again, gross.

after, we were laying there and talked for a bit. he asked if I was mad, I wasn't ready to even think about it. and honestly, I'm not mad at him for that stuff, I'm mad at me for it. I have only myself to blame. he kept telling me he is confused. I told him yeah, I got that from him. he started asking me about the guys in my phone again, particularly one, and I told him they were none of his business. they aren't. I shot back at him a few questions about OW.

we got dressed and all was okay then he said, "I'm surprised you don't call ow and tell her." ouch. I hadn't even thought about that. funny, he always goes to things that I would never think of (like when I first found out, he was terrified I'd tell their boss, or that I would keep the kids from him). I looked at him like he was crazy, and wanted to throw up a little because I don't want to hear the fear in his voice that i might ruin his thing with her. I told him I never even thought about that...then I said, gee, does he think I should. he quickly said she wouldn't believe me anyway. I just stared at him. and I started to cry...I told him hearing the fear in his voice, his concern about me ruining that relationship for him, just sucked. bad enough we did what we did, bad enough that it was over too soon, but then to end like that was an extra special kick in the gut.

guess if I needed to be cured once and for all, that might have done it.

honestly, though, I think I know to just keep physical distance between us. because I suck.

so that is my update. he is due to call to say goodnight to the kids and I'm going to try to just be back to me again. not going to yell or berate or snark or anything. just lesson learned, once again.

think I'll ever learn it?