NikkiB #21

[NikB]

hey all - thanks for checking in!! I only have a second to post but will definitely post the rest of my "travelogue" later.

Friday was so cool, once again. Did some shopping, got a massage.. couldn't stay in Sonoma (no vacancy ANYWHERE) so I ended up in Napa... went out for a "quick bite to eat" and ended up finding this totally cool place. Made a half dozen new "friends" there and closed the place down... .

On the way home I first felt anxious then just felt this almost WAVE of peacefulness wash over me. Is this detachment? I don't know... maybe it is, finally. I am excited to get on with my life, excited about my future. I was picturing myself getting home and thinking "do I hug him, do I ignore him..??" - I just didn't know how to react. Then realized I didn't much care how HE felt about my reaction and I didn't want a hug anyway. It's hard to explain.. I just felt very ME and very okay and at peace. And had a big ol' grin on my face the whole way home.

(and.. turns out H wasn't here anyway, so didn't even have to worry about it!).

Anyway just got home and have way less time than I originally planned to prep for my dinner party, so will have to post the remaining details later!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

so glad how your feeling now. Definitely make that vaca a routine visit!!

you know, when I wasn't sure how to act around H, my DB counselor said, just act like you would a good friend. I think choosing whether or not to hug is less of a question than whether to be excited or not when seeing him from your trip. I think the right answer on that is to be excited. cuz you ARE! of course he wasn't there, so oh well.

have a great dinner party...I don't even remember you saying were going to one, but then again, it seems you always have something to go to!

[NikB]

Thanks all again for posting! I owe you a few replies but first...

Here's a link to my "sanity tour 07" photos (it's what I'm calling my trip for now):
http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=agmzr87a.8ebul3fi&x=0&y=xbsa20

I think you can just hit "view slideshow" if you don't have a login or want to sign in. I know there are a zillion pictures but hope you enjoy them.. really pretty scenery and what a great time of year. I took mostly scenery at first but then perfected the art of self-portraits.. . I didn't take any at the restaurants/bars, was afraid it'd mess with my "locals" image . OK really I forgot my camera but... nontheless, I mostly got scenery and a few of myself.

I put a few of my favorites up on the fridge tonight so I can look at them regularly. Some of them look so good printed out!! I plan to put them in my room (aka sanctuary) once it's all set up.

And on a totally separate note, just in case you were curious.. here's the "bouquet" I took to the party tonight:
http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=agmzr87a.2ley81pa&x=0&y=-hvmmc
(never seen a meat and cheese bouquet? Take a look.. ).

Jak
Thank you.. yes, I totally know what you mean. Wish you were here too!! Sooo much fun. Hope you're doing ok, need to check in on you.

husband
That would've been fun to meet you! This was SO spur of the moment (even day by day)... but I plan to visit again soon, so maybe we could get together. If you're ever in downtown Sonoma the Swiss Hotel is great.

care
Aw thank you. A retreat, I like it!

RHW
Thanks... me too. Now that I think about it I was kind of sad tonight. Even with the dinner party thing I was thinking "Aw man last night was so fun! Meeting people, being crazy..." It got me thinking.. if I can go out by myself in a strange town and make myself "welcome" why not here at home?? Just gotta think of a good way to frame it in my head (and when people ask). It's easy to tell the "road trip" story, a little weirder to be at "home" and say "Oh I just couldn't find any friends to come out with so here I am."

ST
Last year? I might have... but in desparation, not the same as this time. Within a half day I was having fun and within a day I felt very "real" - last year I might have gone, but felt disconnected with myself and the world the whole time. If that makes any sense.

That would be so cool if you could come out sometime!!

My friend up the street said I "better" go with her at least once, and soon, back to Sonoma.. so that's really cool. We went to the dinner together tonight. She's thinking of going to Sonoma for Thanksgiving now instead of spending it here with her other neighbors (they were originally doing sort of an "orphaned and can't get home this year" dinner).

I may not have mentioned the dinner party, it's the once a month cooking club I'm in. This month was "cocktails and appetizers" theme. It was a great way to come home actually - instead of come home and no plans on Sat, it was rush home to get ready for the dinner party. Made it easier to come home, that's for sure!

I see what you're saying on the good friend thing.. that makes sense. Heck I was hugging people I just met the last few nights as "new friends" so I can treat it that way right? When I got home after the party H was already home and in bed - sooo early for either of us, it was only 9:30 or so. I accidentally woke him up when I came in (mostly from the dog going nuts) and he stumbled out to say hi, we had a quick hug, that was about it.

Tonight I've been working on editing/sharing pics from the last month just trying to catch up. It's odd how in hindsight you can see the difference in our faces... in some from a few weeks back H is looking at me with almost pity while I look either "forced happy" or oblivious. In my trip ones, IMO, the early ones look a bit forced but the ones later in the trip are real smiles. I dunno, just funny how that is.. how you can see it when you think it's not obvious.

It's funny, Fall isn't really my favorite time of year (and even less so with two "fall" bombs in a row)... but now that I've taken a couple of Fall road trips I'm starting to like it more. I like the warm weather but the colors in fall are so pretty!! I LOVE some of the pics I took. Maybe I'll start liking a whole new season, eh??

[NikB]

Forgot to mention.. if you read the comments on the "sanity tour" photos it may make more sense.

[forever21]

Nikki,

I really enjoyed reading your last update and viewing your slideshow from your retreat! I'm so glad you had such a great time. Sounds like you should definitely make a habit of that trip. How nice that it's so close to you! Did you make that meat and cheese bouquet? Very cool.

Yeah, I love drives in the fall myself. The colors are beautiful. I'm so glad you took that trip! Hope you're having a nice day today as well. Thinking about you.

{{{{{Nikki}}}}}

[S.T. _I Made It!]

gonna take a view at the pics now!

I guess when I said last year, I really meant before the first bomb, so maybe more like 2 years., time has gone by soooo fast. I can't believe it's been almost a year that I met you.

ya, Fall is a great time... not too hot and not too cold. of course, you probably never have the not too cold part... you know, the below freezing and below ZERO weather that we get over here. totally sucks!!!!

an the meat and cheese bouquet was WEIRD!!!! but cool. bet you had lots of comments on that one.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

pics were really cool. that castle and the geyser was very neat. A lot of beautiful flower pics you took too... and the no flash mural I think was very artistic

[S.T. _I Made It!]

did you MAKE the bouquet????? holy cow

[NikB]

Thanks f21! Glad you liked the pics. Thinking about you as well and need to catch up on you soon. Hope that you're doing well!

ST and f21
Yep, I made that meat and cheese bouquet. Weird, I know, but I thought it was kinda cute. A coworker of mine did one a few weeks back for someone's birthday. We always exchange flowers - this time the girl having the birthday wasn't much of a "flowery" kinda girl but she LOVES to eat!! So we found something like this online (for a ridiculous amount of money), and my other very creative coworker tackled the project. I knew I wanted to make it for a party sometime and this cooking club thing seemed like the perfect opportunity.

I thought the other one my coworker made actually turned out better because she had a cooler vase but I had fun with it and yes, lots of comments!

ST
Ahh yeah, pre first bomb, no way. I'd have felt guilty going on a vacation without my H. Heck I felt guilty spending a weekend somewhere with my family and without H, or even traveling for work.

Glad you liked the pics! I had fun with the flower/garden ones - perfect lighting and time of day so I thought I'd play around with it some.

Having kind of a weird Sunday... not bad exactly but just feeling kind of strange. I'm listing a ton of stuff on eBay this afternoon. It's stuff that's been piled up in the office for months and I've been procrastinating on selling it. Not because I want to keep it, just being lazy... but now I need to finish it up so I can clear out my new bedroom. I alternate between excited and completely freaked out by the idea of moving into another room, so I think that's what is bothering me.

Part of me thinks I should just get a place that's completely my own, but think I owe the separate bedroom thing at least a chance, first. I just don't know if I can live in the same house with H but not caring at all what he's doing. I'm trying to envision it and it is just hard. Like this AM I was trying to ignore it but he was sitting here texting his latest EA (or maybe the first one, who knows, but one of them) for about half an hour. I realize it's out of my control and I realize I don't have much "say" in what he does but it still hurts and pisses me off. He knows it because he half hides it (just not that well), but doesn't care enough to quit doing it.

I guess if I totally lock myself in my new room and avoid him entirely I won't have to see it... reality is I will still see him when I'm cooking, doing laundry, etc. though. And I can already imagine OT saying that unless I'm fine with him bringing dates home this isn't a good long-term solution (and I will never be OK with that). I dunno, guess we will just see how it goes.

I laughed this morning when he asked me something about a stain on one of his shirts. Kinda forgot that my mind shifted a lot while I was gone but his didn't. He still expects me to do all the normal "wife" things. Will have to figure that out. I might still be fine w/doing laundry in trade for him doing all the yard work or something, but I want it to be very defined more like a roommate situation.

Any thoughts on how to talk to H about this stuff? He has no idea I even ordered the sofa/bed thing.. knows I rearranged some furniture but that's about it. Do I just get the room set up and "move" without ever saying anything?? That seems kind of odd... but I'm also not sure how to bring it up. I thought about bringing up the topic again where I said I'd look for a place and say that here's what I proposed instead until we get things sorted out... I'll move into the room, will do ABC chores if he does XYZ chores, will pay half the mortgage for now with the understanding that he may want to buy me out of the house later on (somehow I want to include that I don't plan to buy/keep the house.. that either he'd buy me out or we'll sell it). Or that may all be way too formal, I dunno. Thoughts are welcome!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

IMHO, I think that unless there are D papers, H does not need to be bringing in any OW to the house. If he wants to go and see them, then that's his deal.

on the room. I don't see why you have to "prepare" him for the move. Did you tell him you were going to move out of the house? If that was the plan you guys made, then maybe telling him would be a respectful, but I'm thinking you did not.

Maybe when your moved in there, and he questions you or acts weird about it, act as if he would be pleased... saying you understand he does not want to be in this relationship and that things are uncomfortable so you will be using this room as your bedroom for now that way you both have your privacy.