Rollar Coasters are no longer fun

[Amy]

I was headed to see the step children on Friday (about a 5 hour drive) and H calls and says in a short nasty tone "I hope you have fun with MY children this weekend." I said me too I am looking forward to it. He said "Yeah well I am glad you get to spend time with MY children." I simply said me too. He then hung up.

It really hurt me at first but then I realized he was just bitter and hurt that I was going and he is locked up in a psychiatric hospital. I think he is slowly realizing he brought all of this on himself.

I spent two days with his x-wife, my two step children and her other 3 children and we had an amazing time. The xwife and I talked so much and I think we have grown so much closer. We were able to read between the "LIES" and really get to know each other. He was probably bitter because he knew that together she and I would be able to really figure out how many games he had played. I found out so much that I almost wish I hadn't. I am glad though because so much more is put into perspective and I it is helping me put closure on things.

Yesterday we went to the park and went fishing and it was awesome but yet an eye opener for me. I really had reality smack me up side the face. I realized that even if I want my husband back I can not take him back unless some MAJOR changes are made all the way around.

Yesterday was the first time my 9 yr old son had cast a fishing pole and the first time a man had tossed a football with my 11 yr old son. I stood and watched my own husbands xwifes husband (that is a mouthful)do things with my boys that their own dad has never done once. He was always on his computer or playing video games. I realized that I had been spending so much time for 11 years trying to make him happy and keep him with me that I myself neglected to do this with my kids. I sat and just cried. I ached. I vowed to change.

I do not want the man I used to be married to. I want my husband but only if he can be a faithful husband and a good father. I know I can be a good mother with or without him and I know my kids can have a healthier life with one very involved parent than having two that are so self absorbed that they can't parent at all.

I am not sure where this will take my relationship with my husband or what I even want anymore but for the first time I am excited about who I can be without him. I am disgusted with him for his lack of being there for the kids and yet wanting to have more and more. We will just see where we go from here.

I also got my information about returning to college and am working today to fill out all the financial aid paperwork. I plan to start working toward my criminal justice degree as soon as I have the financial aid worked out.

Thanks for listening.