He's on Match.com

[Trixi]

Argh!
I am so unclear on what to do regarding this lease house.

You know the "joke" about the guy where the town is flooding? As he's on the front porch, someone drives by in a truck and offers him a lift out of town and he says "no-I have faith God will save me." The water rises and the guy is in a top floor window-someone in a boat floats by and offers to take him to safety. Again he said "no-I have faith that God will save me." The water continues to rise and now the guy is on the roof. A helicopter drops a ladder and tries to take him off the roof; the guy says "No.I have faith God will save me." The guy drowns. In heaven, he sees God and says "I had total faith that you would save me and now I am dead. Why didn't you save me??" And God says "What are you talking about? I tried to several times; I sent a truck, a boat and a helicopter!!"

How it the joke relates: So, I look at a ton of homes, and this was the only one that I could really see myself in. I think about leasing, but do not make any calls to pursue. The listing agent calls me. (Not all agents call for feedback.) I ask if they'll consider a lease, they were just talking about it. I set a figure in my head as acceptable($2100 w/$500 towards down) and that is what the seller suggested. The night I called to make sure it was still available, the seller had called her minutes before I did.

Is this "God" trying to "save" me (as in the joke above) or just coincidence?

This morning when I woke up, I felt overwhelmed with the idea of moving, ponying up the extra cost, etc. Seems much easier to stay put and just pack up some of his stuff. But maybe that's just because I want to keep the connection between us by being in the house. By sleeping in our marital bed; by knowing that he'll be by at some point. If I move, he will never HAVE to come by. I will get the bed that he just bought; it won't be *our* bed. I'll be set adrift.

And yet- the story/fantasy/vision does not have me here in THIS house. I can't envision a 'fresh start' here. We have a bad back and forth dynamic that needs to be broken. He runs hot and cold; he'll say we always end up where he is cold (so we should give up); I will say we always end up where he is hot (so we should try).

I don't feel like I would be standing on my own two feet if I remain in this house. But I am scared to move-afraid it's a mistake.