Thanks, Hill. Hill, was your W. adamant about a D. before you left? I gather from some of you previous posts, it appears that your former W. was married before you as well? I can't believe the whole thing was your fault.
Did you feel that your deployment made you better able to withsatnd the pounding of a D.? As I lay in bed, all the memories of the kids and the family time flood through my head. I guess she doesn't view it the same way. Kills me. As I said, I correspond with a woman I work with. I will not cross the line into any flirting or inappropriate terrain, but it's good to keep the channel open. You never know how things will turn out.
They have to rewrite histroty , remember. So sometimes we have to remind them of the good times in a subtle way without making it sound like we are pursuing. I do not have contact with my H but if I do have to be with him, I try to act as I did before we were married. Just like friends, distant but pleasant. I am still that same gal he fell madlyin love with. And so are you. from everything I read about you, and DO NOT take this the wrong way, but you are quite a catch and your wife needs to be reminded of that.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
FLTC, I am thinking about future holidays and possibly different ways of doing things....why not ask your children to tell you about their favorite traditions? They may have favorite rituals that you are not even aware of. A very simple example is last year my niece and nephew asked SIL why she didn't cook cream of wheat for Christmas morning. (She made a fancy breakfast with a breakfast casserole and lots of extras). SIL said she fixed cream of wheat because it was easy and warm, but never thought her kids cared.
Build on the strengths of the family, but think outside the box. What could a future celebration be like that might be just with you and the children? What are some of YOUR fond memories.....again, focus on the children, not your wife.
Thanks, I greatly appreciat you guys checking in on me. mk: Thanks. I forgot about the re-writing thing. I remember that from the book, but you're right. I know what you mean about "being a catch". I THINK I'm OK. I've got 3 college degrees, a great militray job and a great civilian job. I'm a high school administrator when I'm not in uniform. I managed to interview and get 3 better kobs within 10 years. My big mistake was always looking for that next degree, Army school, promotion, new job....and not really paying enough attention to my W.s needs. It's that simple (or complex:))
Matilda: I will begin to work on that on my leave in April. I'm taking all of them to Disney World for a start! It will be great!
No however the signs of a WAW were around for a couple of years. I did everything I knew at the time to repair things but was rebuffed. It was complex. I was fighting a transfer in my job (Wife for medical reasons had to live close to the ocean), fighting to keep my marriage, and while working at home fighting the opressing lack of social interaction (work at home computer job). She denies it be she argued for me to be deployed and anytime I discussed to leave the military she was against it. Hmmmmm.
I got the Dear John 2 months after in country.
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Did you feel that your deployment made you better able to withstand the pounding of a D.?
No or at best mixed. I fought in country with half of my brain trying to save my Marriage and with the help of 61mm mortors and 122mm rockets the bad guys rocked and rolled my can good. Upon return I faced * Retire or move and be seperated from family * Parent with Alzeimers (which has now passed on) * All monies from deployment gone (Please pay attention here!) * Sholder and Knee injuries the Navy and VA refused to cover * The normal letdown from returning from combat. (The Marines, Navy and VA are not to blame here help was available)
For You * Reserve Officers tend to make that switch better than Reserve Enlisted. Many and varied reasons why. No blame it's simply the landscape. * You will return to your old life with contacts and some reinforcement. You will fit or be a better fit than me since I did not fit anywhere. Things that excited most people bore me. Things that I willing do (freedive for drowning victims) terrify most people. Many of my Vietnam buds spoke of the same thing.
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it appears that your former W. was married before you as well? I can't believe the whole thing was your fault.
Yes we both were and I agree with you on fault. That and 1.75 gets me a coffee. Being a multiple failure I decided not to look for comfort from the fairer sex but to figure and work on the roots of where I failed. The X for her many faults did verbalize much of this without complaining and said things I saw in print later. There was an OM and they are now married. In short if we do not make memories someone else will.
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I've got 3 college degrees, a great military job and a great civilian job. I'm a high school administrator when I'm not in uniform. I managed to interview and get 3 better kobs within 10 years. My big mistake was always looking for that next degree, Army school, promotion, new job....and not really paying enough attention to my W.s needs. It's that simple
Like you I concentrated on me. Fire Dept, Military, stressful IT job and was successful in all three while the pillars of my existance crumbled from lack of attention. No drugs, little drink, and no infidelity. Part of the price of this much success is the family and they have one life also so they go and pursue theirs if you do not share yours and make memories. In that I was selfish and suffered consequences not victimized.
Had I concentrated on the family and did my best my opinion would be different then I would place more blame on selecting a mate.
Much of this information I danced around simply since my experience is does not create hope. We may have similar pasts but you have a better chance.
On the lighter side Achmed the Muj runs attacks a convoy and fails upon transfer to the promised land he meet George Washington and Thomas Jefferson who start punching and kicking him Asking why is this happening they explain The price of martyrdom is eternity with 70 virginians not 70 virgins. Guess you just do not hear well.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Thanks, Hill. You always come through for me, bud. We did seem to have some good meories, but WASs do tend to re-write history as well. I am not optimistic, so I am preparing as best I can for the inevitable. W. has a tendency to take a lot of things so personally, that others would shrug off. She has a marshmellow interior, but the exterior of a Komodo dragon. Her Dad remarried, and she tries so hard to please his new wife. For years, FIL's new wife didn't react the way my W. thought she should. She felt that W. was unappreciative of all she did, and her reaction was always sadness mixed with a seathing anger. Me...I would have shrugged it off and moved on. Maybe a guy thing? Who knows. Thatns for the joke. We just ended Ramadan. Lowest violence in 3 years!
FLTC I agree with the history rewrite. I no way I excuse my XW's actions (or agree with your W)but I do not wish to surrender all influence for D13. I simply concentrate on what I can modify and take responsibility for my actions.
With that said the fact you deployed while most Americans shop will influence your kids in the future. My XStepSon is very close to enlisting and a 26 yr old lady I met on the beach who is drifting made to decision to join the Navy based on her father (deceased Master Chief) and my sea stories. I was glad to be a friend. (emphanize friend there)
Do you know the difference between a fairy tale and a sea story?
I guess your W's reaction was frustration in inability to change things. Seems like a pattern. My X did the same and I feel some of things they needed to changed needed changed.
Women see things and wish to improve it. We may agree on the need for improvement but differ on the cost/benifit if successful or the fact you can only change yourself so why not shrug it off as you did.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
....and not really paying enough attention to my W.s needs. It's that simple
Like you I concentrated on me.
You just never know! Sometimes either way you don't win! I concentrated too much on H and family and am now being blamed for being lazy. "You could have had a better paying job", etc, etc. I don't think it's that simple!
Matilda2 You may be correct but in my case I doubt it. My actions will mostl likely produce the results I received. Had I done your actions that likelyhood would have been reduced.
In our defense 1. Someone has to be in the reserves and vol fire depts. Not all can be staffed by young single guys and most folks do not do these tasks.
2. These actions are a part of our makeup. As FLTC and I hated to sit the bench while a war goes on I got edgy during a quiet time between fire calls. You do not wish ill will or a war on anyone but you do like your job and the need for the job never goes away.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Matilda: You do raise a good point about the "Simlicity factor" You're right about that. Hill, unlike many of my friends, you GET why I volunteered to come here. It was a need to satisfy that "I can't sit by anymore" thing which has gnawed at me since 9/11, coupled with the fact that I just didn't want to sit by and watch the sand run out of the "year separation" hour glass. Her email was pretty specific: "My opinion and position on our marriage is the same as it has been for the past several years"....13 months into the separation. I think Matilda was just saying it's not "that simple that I (we) jsut looked out for ourselves"
I'll continue to fight, but I think with this huge accomplishment checked off the list of things "I needed to do before I die" list, I can come home with a lot of inner peace and perhaps tranquility that I never would have had if I didn't come to Iraq. I came to the belly of the beast, and not only survived, but thrived under the immense pressure of being a General Staff Officer. Going through a 9 month trainup followed by deploying here, I've really scratched the itch to "make history" and stand next to my generations of Bands of Brothers...Hill, you and T2 GET THAT.
Thanks, guys..talk to you soon. How's the weatehr in LA, Hill? Are you impacted by the wildfires?
