The Good, the Bad, and the Funny Part 5

[mkultra]

Journaling:
You know when you are married and something goes wrong so you get mad at your spouse? That also happened last night. All three of my "dates" almost flaked last night for different reasons. I thought about how I had to jump through hoops to get someone to go with me to my reunion. I do not even know why I wanted to go. I see all my close high school friends all the time. The rest of those people are practically strangers. I guess I just had to prove to myself I could do yet another things sans spouse. But I did miss him. I did get angry that I no longer have a steady escort and that I have to wait all night for my friend's babysitter or my other friend to find a dress and for one friend to stop flaking. It was OK. It is weird going without a date. No cute single guys my age. Sad face. This will sound horrible, but before my break up, I thought about the 20th and how I could get my H not to go because I was ashamed of the way he looked and dressed. I guess I should have been careful what I wished for but he really does look like a weasel more and more in my mind. I miss the beautiful man that I loved. I really do miss that one not this one. I know you all know how I feel.

[mkultra]

Note to Neph:
Hey Neph. I really thought about you last night. I waited all night for my friend because she was having a surprise party for her father's 60th birthday. She and her mom and three sisters planned a huge Mexican celebration with glorious food and a Mariachi band. I thought about my own Mexican father and how my brother and I had nothing to do with his 60th birthday two years ago. We did not even know how old he was, we lost track. My parents are divorced and my father lived near mexico with his third wife. he probably celebrated with her grown kids. We did a huge party for my mother though. Then I thought about my kids and how the chances of them throwing a 60th for their Dad may also be slimmed if we are not together and divorced. I was hoping this weird future forecast could be some kind of picture to help you stay focused. I so want you to be with your H for his 60th. BTW, Roberto, the man who had his birthday party, left his wife he married at 18 when he turned 42 to live with an OW for two years. His wife took him back strictly for the kids who were almost grown by then but they are growing old together now.

[SallyM]

mk, I totally understand missing that steady escort. that person you could always go out with. its funny, for years it seemed like I never got to go anywhere, or rarely did, because who wants to watch 3 kids under the age of 3 or 4? that's a LOT of work. now that they are at an easier age and that light is beaming at the end of the tunnel, I'm alone. sigh. not fair.

I'm proud of you, though, for sticking to your guns and going. I know you missed your H, and that was hard for you. but you had the guts to go, and that, my dear, is a wonderful step.

funny, I was watching the sex and the city ep called, "they shoot single people, don't they?" the other day. it was interesting to watch again, its been a long time since I had seen that particular episode. very different to watch as an almost-single person now. all about being comfortable about doing anything/going anywhere as a singleton, as opposed to faking it in a relationship and such.

[nephartiti]

HI MK. Thank you for thinking of me. I have to start a new thread. I don't know why I'm hesitating.

Sorry your friends tried to flake. That does suck. I miss my "escort" too. Mostly I just miss the companionship. I have this netflix movie that has been sitting here for weeks because I just can't seem to sit and watch a movie by myself.

I would like to grow old with my H too. However, he seems to have dropped off the face of the earth... I miss his family too. I miss the big parties. The food, the music, the culture. I have lost more than my H, I have lost a family that I adored. They are off limits to me now.

How are your kids doing, MK?

How far are you from Santa Barbara, btw?

[FLTC]

mk,
You're right. Single is tough as you get a little older. I'm 52, and don't look forward to dating, or "hooking up". I really am "relationship centric" Don't get me wrong, after 3 months in Iraq, and 4 years of celibacy, some gratuitous sex would be great, but wouldn't make me feel better about anything. Single with kids is anger-producing (to me) because you walk out on a group of people, ususally without a strong enough reason to do so. The "I'm unhappy bulls*it" doesn't really cut it for me. As nephartiti says: "I lost a whole family" I get it.

I guess that you have to be really unhappy to sell your family down the river, and say thet "They're resiliant". Kids aren't plastic.

[mkultra]

I feel ya Folks! Peopel give kids way too much credit for dealing with these hardship FLTC! As a teacher, I overstepped my bounds with two couples at back to school night because their kids were always tired and not doing their homework. The single dads said it was the moms' fault. I said why don't you get back together with the moms to help them out. Is that totally awful and biased of me!!! I said it in my nice sweet way but both dads laughed it off like that was impossible. I said go back with your wife and try to work it out. These dads do not really speak English so I spoke very basically to them without judging. I wonder what my H says when he is confronted with that. I have heard that he always says he will never come back home. My mom even mentioned that her boyfriend was at least curious and open to the idea of reconciliation whereas my H never doubted for a minute that he would never come back home. What a stubborn piece of work.

I want a divorce. What am I doing on this forum bringing doubt to all you beautiful people?

I was ssssoooooo tempted to call mY H and chew him out tonight for ruining our family that I went to my neighbor's and smoked a cigarette. I hate smoking but I felt that stressed! As a nursing mom I watched everything that went into my body but I just felt like a rebellious college student again and smoke one of her ciggies. Don't hate me or tell the kids!!

[SallyM]

48 hour rule, mk, 48 hour rule.

please don't leave this forum. plenty of divorced folks around, too, if you do go that route.

[mkultra]

I have to send him the weekly schedule now and all I want to do is just call it all off. He just disgusts me. I never hear a good thing about this man or his whore. They are both whores and I consider them both doing damage to themselves, each other and to me and my kids. I hate to go all gansta but they have made attacks against the happiness of my children, my mother and me so they are to be considered enemies and my kids need to be protected from them. Not only did they make these offensive attacks once but they do so repeatedly and more boldly each day. OK so if I feel this way in 48 hours do I send that message or do I keep waiting 48 more hours. My mother and brother say play nice until custody is won, then I can spit in his face, as my mom says.

[SallyM]

your mom and brother are right. play nice till the end...do it for your kids. stay strong, mk, stay strong.

[mkultra]

OK I just sent the email and have turned off the answering machine. I do not know why I let these triggers affect me this way. I see my friend E three years after her divorce and she still gets these awful triggers. darn, my mom just got one last night when my dad called!!!! After how many years?!? Oh my goodness. zen. find a zen place.