Hey -- don't mean to hijack Jen's thread, but I will respond to what H's pain was and that was exactly what you just described about the lack of physical intimacy, etc. in our marriage.
Yes, he was completely and totally wrong in having the A's (pleural I might add) and I do not place the BLAME on me at all in any way, however, HE felt validated in the A's in the fact that he was not getting what he needed at home and that was not just the physical intimacy, but the emotional connection as well.
I don't like playing the blame game... I could blame our problems on my wife's lack of intimacy, and she could blame her lack of intimacy on something that I do or don't do and it could go on and on. The bottom line is, WE had / have a problem...how do we fix it ?
Now, don't get me wrong, I do not think H was truly RIGHT in any of what he did. He truly could have gone about the whole sitch in a totally different way. Unfortunately, the A's began way back when our 7 yr old son was only about 18 months old. He was deployed, feeling neglected before he left, therefore cheated (supposedly no sex but WHATEVER at this point).
I agree, I don't condone what your husband did. I can see WHY he did because I've had those thoughts in the past, just never acted upon them. And if the truth be known, I'm sure your husband did not get what he was expecting out of the affairs. My guess is, he was expecting to fill the void left by the lack of intimacy in his R and from what I gather, affairs usually don't fill that void too well. My thinking was / is, "I don't want to be intimate with OW, I want to be intimate with the woman I love, nothing else is going to fill that void"
Anyway, I am just so very glad that I had my wake up call and it was in time to work things out and right now all I want is for him to get home (he's again deployed for a year) so we can get on w/ this wonderful, intimate marriage I now want and will work daily for.
I will also add that your W probably has no understanding of how much pain you truly are in daily by the lack of the physical/emotional intimacy. I'm glad things are getting better for you, but I hope that she truly understands what you have been and are going through as far as feeling rejected, lonely in your own home, etc., because I didn't get that until it was almost too late.
She seemed to be under the impression that it was just sex I was after. I don't know what made things finally click in her mind. I openly communicated with her how important it was to me, how much it hurt to continue to be rejected, it's not just about sex, it's the physical / emotional intimacy that comes with it.
