"Resentment is like drinking a glass of poison and then glaring at your offender as you wait for him to die. Resentment is self-destructive, which is another reason we must forgive -- we have no more right to harm ourselves than to harm anyone else made in God's image. It's not that the other person didn't do something wrong. It's that if we aren't careful, their wrong can take ownership of our hearts and minds. In a very real way, resentment allows another to own part of you. Resentment can become an obsession, stealing your joy and ability to see clearly. When it comes to your marriage, you need all the clarity you can get. The call to forgive is also a path to your own freedom." (Paul and Sandy Coughlin, "Married But Not Engaged")
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Hello, dear friends! I miss you guys but you are never out of my prayers!
I wanted to encourage anybody who is in pain and despair that our prayers ARE answered...in God's perfect timing!
It has been a couple of months since I posted last....and I just read my last post and was amazed at how positive it sounded. What is even more miraculous?....Things continue to get better and better. I cannot describe with words the intense love I feel for my W and the tender love she returns to me. I'll share a couple of contrasts to illustrate the miracles that are occuring daily in my household. First, look at my post from Thanksgiving week one year ago:
Quote:
As I listened to [the song "Alone Again Naturally"] and thought about my 3 months of DB'ing, I felt my strength wavering. Is the weaker position that of continuing to DB and the stronger position to stop what I have been doing? I think not except perhaps in a selfish, short-term sense. But I also have found that my continuous "detaching" along with my WAW's distant attitude has put me in a position where I cannot even remember the warmth of her touch, a smile thrown my way, or the "feeling" of knowing she loves me! I then pondered the age-old saying:
(author unknown)
If You Love Something Set It Free If It Comes Back, It Was And Always Will Be Yours.
If It Never Returns, It Was Never Yours To Begin With.
I am beginning to wonder if "it was ever mine to begin with". Although we have been married for over 26 years...and this MLC fog has only been going on for a few months (12 or more on the long side)....I am struggling with holding on to my love for my WAW. I know that I must not fall prey to the notion that we cannot go on without the feelings. I also know that God is true to His word and he will turn this situation into good if I remain Faithful. I just wanted to share my honest weakness that I am feeling.
That same Thanksgiving weekend my wife asked me to leave the house so she could entertain friends whom I had never met. I did.
This year?:
We had over 20 people at our house for Thanksgiving dinner. 10 of them stayed with us for the entire week!
My W made an awesome Baked Turkey...I smoked a turkey...and my teenage boys FRIED one. WOW!
For Christmas, my W wants us to take a family trip to Chicago. We haven't had a family vacation in over 5 years.
My W wants us to take 2 trips alone to Florida this winter
We have had DOZENS of unbelievably romantic dinners and trips over these past 6 months
I write all of this with 2 simple objectives:
1) To say thanks to those of you who supported me in my weakest moments...AmyC, Ashmo, P4AM, OHAZ, FaithIsBelieving, 4Kids, CinderellaMan,myC, 4_Kids, CinderellaMan, I_Wanna_Make_It_Work, Frank_D, 25yearsmlc, steelersfan, Poohbear, Lissett, Jeanette1120, MrsH, Oldtimer...and others 2) To encourage particularly those who have just NOW found their way to this site.
I wish I could promise you that your restoration will come quickly. As you can tell by a scan of this site, the time ranges vary significantly. I have had the pleasure of meeting 2 men who have been standing for their marriages for 7 and 10 years respectively. The other night my W said to me, "Do your friends on the internet (she hasn't ventured here yet) understand that God may want other good things to come their way in lieu of the restoration of their marriage?" She went on to say that we can make an idol of anything including our marriages...and I agree with her. How do you avoid that? NEVER put your marriage above doing God's will...and understand that your value comes from God. In other words, your spouse should not have control over your sense of self-worth! I am trying to walk that walk by giving back to those whom I can help:
We have taken in a 14 year old girl who was raped last Spring (her baby is due tomorrow)!
Soon thereafter, her mother and sister moved in because they have been having trouble with their husband/father. So, I suddenly found myself looking at the "other" side of a separation (the woman's side) while I try to encourage the man (who has all but given up).
Last night I had dinner with 7 men (a monthly gathering) who are standing for the restoration of their marriages. The Steinkamp's of Rejoice Marriage Ministries connected a couple of us and it has grown to over 10 men in total
Last week my fosterson, his girlfriend, another family friend, and I met FaithIsBelieving (FIB) for dinner in NYC and went with he and his kids to see the Macy's float inflation. Later that evening I met his W. I know many of you are supporting FIB and praying for his family. Please continue!
I will close with one final contrast. Here is my post from May 25th:
Quote:
Back to cold, dark, distant W....
I wish I could say it didn't matter to me!
I had dinner with 9 men standing in the NY/NJ/CT area last night...and I have some of the MOST positive developments in my sitch...and it STILL sucks! I have a little flu bug and I have been working in the yard all day...I think I am just weary of living ALONE!
Dear Lord...please fill me up so your love will flow out of me TO my W! I know she has NOTHING to give!
Why is this significant? It came ONE DAY before my W threw herself back into the marriage. My post from a few days later (I was too busy to post quicker):
Quote:
How wrong I was when I posted last Friday that "my W has nothing to give"
Major reconciliation breakthrough started last weekend! I am trying to honor my W's request to have "what happens at home, stays at home". She understands my need to share with so many of you that have prayed for us...so, I told her I would write up my "farewell" post and let her read it before I post. It may take me a while....so, please keep praying that God will continue this unbelievable work in both of us!
God is good!!
Indeed, God is good!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
It's a great testimony you have. To see the examples of 'where you thought you were' and the reality right around the corner is a great contrast for those of us still in the 'where you thought you were' place.
Glad to hear the Lord continues to bless your restoration. I pray we all can share a similar testimony some day. Yet as you know and as demonstrated in Moses, some of us may not 'enter the promised land' before we go to our Lord or he returns for us. Our example may be for the generation that follows us, and not our own. That is a decision we leave in His hand, accepting that He knows best.
Enjoy this holiday season with your reunited family as you wonder at the blessings the Lord has bestowed upon you.
God truly works but in HIS PERFECT timing. Not many believe that but it is so true.
God gives us undeniable strength to get thru this, helps us to let go of the anger, to forgive, and gives us a peace that I do not know how to even describe!
I can see changes in my H that have been ongoing for weeks now but last weekend I felt as if I had my "real" H back. He offered to pay for a major car repair, bought lightbulbs as we were out of them, began some little chores around the house and said we were out of some necessities and offered to go to the store to get them and did. And he even put gas in my car--full tank!! All of this he did on his own and he is still living with OW.
I am/was so thankful for these little changes.
God does work and I know HE WILL restore my marriage.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
FaithfulH....such a wonderful post and truly a great thing that someone here has found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. IMO, I think you can see what I believe is the difference. I believe your wife went thru midlife transition vs. crisis. Many women reach that stage of their lives when they look at themselves and have doubts. Some women can navigate that sharp bend in the road and some women go thru the barrier and careen off the edge of the cliff.
I can truly say that you are very fortunate to have not wavered thru the storm and that your wife was able thru G-d to see the value of your longterm marriage and relationship. Our marriages ARE intvestments..just like our stocks, bonds and homes.....they are investments in love, trust and comfort. When the stock market bottoms out, many rush to SELL SELL SELL. Most of us know better...to hold onto our investments and BUY INTO THEM MORE. The results? You reap better dividends in the long run.
Sadly, for some of us, the investment was wrong and no matter how much more money you put into it, the stock still crashes. For some, it is better to sell.
I still say that you should have a keychain made that says 5%
I am honored to have been included in your list of people to be thankful for. Actually, it is I who is the more forutnate. For those who have not met FaithfulH..he is a strong man who gives off a sense of calm and steadiness. He has a commanding tone of voice and seems in control. I admire him greatly and he deserves the happiness that he has found.
FH, I enjoyed all our meetings...dinner....'communing'...the Thanksgiving Eve balloon event and, again, I hope I haven't let you down. Miracles DO occur sometimes. It just may not be MY time to get one. I am fortunate to have you on my side as a friend. Now THAT was a miracle.
FIB
PS...I'm buying a six pack of Pepsi this weekend.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Things continue to go amazingly well...and as each month goes by we are building a NEW relationship and GREAT memories to replace the pain of the separation. As long as we 2 flawed human beings remain on this earth, we will strive for a better marriage....always knowing that perfection is out of our reach! But, it is oh so wonderful trying to attain it.
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Hope all is going well!
I pray we all can share a similar testimony some day. Yet as you know and as demonstrated in Moses, some of us may not 'enter the promised land' before we go to our Lord or he returns for us. Our example may be for the generation that follows us, and not our own. That is a decision we leave in His hand, accepting that He knows best.