Happy Together at Long Last!!!

[Jen_Jam]

Wow - thank you sooooo much for the replies. I half expected a load of 2x4's along the lines of "you've got what you waneted be darned grateful" ... which is what i tell myself sometimes.

RHW - yes I believe too the WAS can never fully understand how it is. I described it to H once as "the most crushing pain anyone can ever have". I'm still not sure he gets it. I feel I gave him a lot of understanding so would like some back. Maybe I'll get it, maybe not.

Ediemarie - "I hold onto the past and the hurt and I know I do it because it's easier to hang onto it then it is to trust him again." OH YES!!! This sums it up very well.

Nikki - I had a lot of false starts on "we've made it!". My thread is entitled "happy together at long last" but I'm not so sure ... we ARE happy now, i'm just wondering if somethign bad in life comes along will H retreat once more into his depression and freeze me out. I've ben asking myself - what will it take? Perhaps I have to wait until a bad situation comes along then see how H reacts ... remember showing is far more powerful than telling.

I've been reading the sticky at the top of this forum too .... seems the LBS's go through this a lot, even if there is no affair (my H had no OW, not even an EA). Everyone talks of the something lost and the rebuilding of trust. The following all struck a chord with me:

"I think forgiveness must come in bits and pieces. And, I think the bigger the lies, the more "acts" of betrayal, the longer it takes to be able to totally forgive. In all honesty, I'm not certain it's even possible to give total forgiveness -- at least in my situation. I'm just aiming for some sort of inner peace for myself and reaching a level of forgiveness that I can live with comfortably.

I think there may also be an element of wanting revenge that plays into the inability to totally forgive. That is also something I struggle with daily. The need for my H to experience the incredible pain he caused me.

Intellectually I understand how counterproductive that thinking is -- really, I do. It's just that sometimes I think I made it too easy for him.



I HAVEN'T said "IFY", and CJ isn't exactly "paying for what he did for the rest of his life"....wait a minute, what if he thinks he IS???

You know, who KNOWS how MUCH the WA feels they "owe" us...if at all ...I sometimes think CJ feels the score is even (that's my analogy, of the two of us I'm probably more of a score-keeper )...because of how controlling, angry etc. I WAS before.

Maybe it takes some time? I don't know folks....I vascillate between being very optimistic and sinking into funks.

Wonder if it would help to track the progress on a longer term basis...instead of all the weekly, daily, hourly ups and downs, what's the overall trend over time...I'll bet in many cases it's a slow rise.....





Has anyone here NOT experienced this???? We're so happy to have our M's "back" at first...then we wonder when it's our turn ...will we always be the ones trying to make it work?




"one of the things I realized is this...for the betraying partner the "healing" process is easier or faster because they actually on some level have been dealing with it since the begining of deceit..now that it's out and done with they can move on. we on the other hand are new to the info and therefore take longer to process it. imagine if you will a time in the future when you no longer even think about this time...when the a is not something that even passes your thoughts...then all of a sudden w starts to want to talk about it...wants to appologize all the time...or let you know when she get's upset with things that remind her of what she did. how would that make you feel? would you not wish that she would just get over it and put it in the past. I know it's hard to fathom a time when we won't want to hear our spouses say sorry and show empathy and remourse for what they've done...but I'd bet it could and probably would happen that way."



You want your H to be your friend and lover, but these things won't come without trust. You might think you hide it well, I thought I did. But, maybe I didn't so well, and it certainly blocked me from taking the leaps necessary for the intimacy in the kind of R I wanted. I wanted to stay safe and have my H cross the intimacy divide alone to get to my side. I felt it was his responsibility to do all the work, that he owed it to me for causing the rift to begin with. So, think of a tightrope. I wanted H to cross the tightrope alone to get to my landing, and thought then we would be where we should be. But, true intimacy only comes when both people take the risk, walk toward each other on the tightrope, and help each other balance in the middle.




it seems most often that the was takes the attitude of "I'm glad that's over and I got away with it now let's keep it in the past"...

but if we listen closely we might actually hear "I don't ever want to revisit that time in my life again"

sure they did someting extremely crappy that we will "live" with for the rest of our lives...did they get off scott free because we accepted them back anyway???

NOPE!

my h is one of those that has the ole "act as if" down pat...so much so that at times I sit and think to myself..what a raw deal I got here..he's happy as can be and I am left with the scars of what he did..sure we have a better r than before and it's improving still but what a price and why should I be the one to feel that pain.

welp guess what!? in one of the few productive "arguments" that h and I have had...I've learned that he does have to deal with it...and will deal with it for the rest of his life..not by my punishing him for it but simply for the shame he feels (and of course I'd selfishly hope a little bit of guilt for the pain he caused me in doing so).
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