Hi Jen Jam - I've never posted to you before, but always appreciate the insight you offer - great stuff!
I can't help but jump up and down to your post and scream yes yes yes! It is so easy to hold this stuff against my H. I have come to understand though, in terms of my sitch, that I hang onto that stuff as some sort of protection. If I let it all go and forgive him completly and leave the crap in the past that means I'm opening myself up to possibly being hurt again. This is the most painful stuff of life and by totally forgiving we are vulnerable and have to trust that they won't hurt us again - crazy, right? In so many ways the hurt spouse has so much more work to do than the offending spouse. I know that I hold onto the past and the hurt and I know I do it because it's easier to hang onto it then it is to trust him again. I don't think you want revenge, I think you want to trust your H and you're scared. If you wanted revenge you would have Carrie Underwood-ed him by now.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
One more thing to add that I thought about is that the pain WE felt is totally different than anything our spouses will ever understand.
I do validate my H's feelings in the fact that he obviously felt hurt, anger, etc. which was what led him to wanting a D in the first place and I make sure I remember that he had his pain as well, but I cannot imagine it even comes close to mirroring what we went through.
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 10/20/0710:40 PM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Please don't feel bad.. it's all part of what we go through!
I wonder how many stop posting and are embarassed because they don't make it... I was that way for awhile, thought "I'm a success story, it's busted!" And then was almost embarassed to post when it was obvious my sitch was falling apart.
Not saying that's happening with you, just saying it really could be anything. And even if it's all great...
I know for me personally I appreciate those of you who still post to give everyone hope!! Yes there are bad times but there are so many good times, too.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Wow - thank you sooooo much for the replies. I half expected a load of 2x4's along the lines of "you've got what you waneted be darned grateful" ... which is what i tell myself sometimes.
RHW - yes I believe too the WAS can never fully understand how it is. I described it to H once as "the most crushing pain anyone can ever have". I'm still not sure he gets it. I feel I gave him a lot of understanding so would like some back. Maybe I'll get it, maybe not.
Ediemarie - "I hold onto the past and the hurt and I know I do it because it's easier to hang onto it then it is to trust him again." OH YES!!! This sums it up very well.
Nikki - I had a lot of false starts on "we've made it!". My thread is entitled "happy together at long last" but I'm not so sure ... we ARE happy now, i'm just wondering if somethign bad in life comes along will H retreat once more into his depression and freeze me out. I've ben asking myself - what will it take? Perhaps I have to wait until a bad situation comes along then see how H reacts ... remember showing is far more powerful than telling.
I've been reading the sticky at the top of this forum too .... seems the LBS's go through this a lot, even if there is no affair (my H had no OW, not even an EA). Everyone talks of the something lost and the rebuilding of trust. The following all struck a chord with me:
"I think forgiveness must come in bits and pieces. And, I think the bigger the lies, the more "acts" of betrayal, the longer it takes to be able to totally forgive. In all honesty, I'm not certain it's even possible to give total forgiveness -- at least in my situation. I'm just aiming for some sort of inner peace for myself and reaching a level of forgiveness that I can live with comfortably.
I think there may also be an element of wanting revenge that plays into the inability to totally forgive. That is also something I struggle with daily. The need for my H to experience the incredible pain he caused me.
Intellectually I understand how counterproductive that thinking is -- really, I do. It's just that sometimes I think I made it too easy for him.
I HAVEN'T said "IFY", and CJ isn't exactly "paying for what he did for the rest of his life"....wait a minute, what if he thinks he IS???
You know, who KNOWS how MUCH the WA feels they "owe" us...if at all ...I sometimes think CJ feels the score is even (that's my analogy, of the two of us I'm probably more of a score-keeper )...because of how controlling, angry etc. I WAS before.
Maybe it takes some time? I don't know folks....I vascillate between being very optimistic and sinking into funks.
Wonder if it would help to track the progress on a longer term basis...instead of all the weekly, daily, hourly ups and downs, what's the overall trend over time...I'll bet in many cases it's a slow rise.....
Has anyone here NOT experienced this???? We're so happy to have our M's "back" at first...then we wonder when it's our turn ...will we always be the ones trying to make it work?
"one of the things I realized is this...for the betraying partner the "healing" process is easier or faster because they actually on some level have been dealing with it since the begining of deceit..now that it's out and done with they can move on. we on the other hand are new to the info and therefore take longer to process it. imagine if you will a time in the future when you no longer even think about this time...when the a is not something that even passes your thoughts...then all of a sudden w starts to want to talk about it...wants to appologize all the time...or let you know when she get's upset with things that remind her of what she did. how would that make you feel? would you not wish that she would just get over it and put it in the past. I know it's hard to fathom a time when we won't want to hear our spouses say sorry and show empathy and remourse for what they've done...but I'd bet it could and probably would happen that way."
You want your H to be your friend and lover, but these things won't come without trust. You might think you hide it well, I thought I did. But, maybe I didn't so well, and it certainly blocked me from taking the leaps necessary for the intimacy in the kind of R I wanted. I wanted to stay safe and have my H cross the intimacy divide alone to get to my side. I felt it was his responsibility to do all the work, that he owed it to me for causing the rift to begin with. So, think of a tightrope. I wanted H to cross the tightrope alone to get to my landing, and thought then we would be where we should be. But, true intimacy only comes when both people take the risk, walk toward each other on the tightrope, and help each other balance in the middle.
it seems most often that the was takes the attitude of "I'm glad that's over and I got away with it now let's keep it in the past"...
but if we listen closely we might actually hear "I don't ever want to revisit that time in my life again"
sure they did someting extremely crappy that we will "live" with for the rest of our lives...did they get off scott free because we accepted them back anyway???
NOPE!
my h is one of those that has the ole "act as if" down pat...so much so that at times I sit and think to myself..what a raw deal I got here..he's happy as can be and I am left with the scars of what he did..sure we have a better r than before and it's improving still but what a price and why should I be the one to feel that pain.
welp guess what!? in one of the few productive "arguments" that h and I have had...I've learned that he does have to deal with it...and will deal with it for the rest of his life..not by my punishing him for it but simply for the shame he feels (and of course I'd selfishly hope a little bit of guilt for the pain he caused me in doing so). "
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Well, and in our sitch's, being the woman, we also know that our husbands are not going to sit there and talk to us about how they are feeling or allow themselves to dwell -- I think most guys want to just get on w/ it and get over it. That's the difference between men & women.
One thing that I hate is that just simple, every day things that happen can remind me of a certain thing H said or did or a certain sitch inside the sitch & it all comes crashing back.
The thing that I am working actively on (and I don't know if you also know that my H is deployed so I'm kind of doing this one-sided), but I get Gary Chapman's emails every day. Each week, he talks about a different topic.
One week, it really hit me hard and, as much as it sucks at times, I am constantly trying to actively keep this in mind: (1) unfortunately marriages don't just toodle along all happy, happy for the most part. They do take work, constant work -- I guess as far as my sitch and probably most other's, we didn't realize this or we didn't put in the work it took and that's how we got to where we were. We need to remind ourselves daily that our marriage is truly the most important thing in our lives (at least that's my opinion). Our spouse is our one constant. We need to always be feeding & taking care of our marriage or it will die.
(2) Truly (and I won't get into religion here), but we as wives are supposed to really be the ones that take care of our husbands and children. Yeah, is it fair, necessarily? Sometimes I think not, but this is what our "role" is. And here's the catch: if we continually take care of our husbands the way we should be, we can *hope* that not only will the feelings, taking care of, etc. be reciprocated, but we won't have a breakdown in our marriage. It will become second nature and maybe one day won't always seem so much like "work," you know?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
One more thing to add that I thought about is that the pain WE felt is totally different than anything our spouses will ever understand.
I do validate my H's feelings in the fact that he obviously felt hurt, anger, etc. which was what led him to wanting a D in the first place and I make sure I remember that he had his pain as well, but I cannot imagine it even comes close to mirroring what we went through.
I went back and read some of your early posts and I'm not sure what pain you are speaking of, the pain of the affairs, or the pain of your husband wanting a divorce?
My first wife had an affair with a co-worker and then shortly after all that ended, she filed for divorce. So I know what those pains feel like. My current situation with 2nd wife(which is improving ) kind of mirrors your situation..kids early on, very difficult pregnancies etc.. Believe me, I have sympathy for you, my wife, and any other woman that has to go through that. But let me give you a little perspective from the man's point of view.. I don't know if your husband is like me but I need physical touch, physical intimacy to feel loved. You can buy things for me, do things for me, tell me how much you love me, and while that is all well and good, without physical intimacy, I WILL NOT feel loved....period !
I liken the pain felt from an affair as being similar to the death of a loved one. It's a deep hurtful pain but as each day passes the pain lessens. Personally, I don't feel it ever truly goes away because I still feel pain from my first wife's affair even though I am now happily married to a wonderful woman and have 2 lovely little girls ( ) My point is, I still feel that pain but it is less. Fast forward to being in a relationship that lacks the physical intimacy that I need, the pain felt might not be as severe, but it is a CONSTANT pain. It's a constant feeling of being alone even when with the woman you love. Yes, I know she loves me just as I'm sure you love your husband, it's just very hard for me to FEEL it without the intimacy or feeling of neglect.
Just my 2 cents, and thanks again for the posts over in SSM forum
Hey -- don't mean to hijack Jen's thread, but I will respond to what H's pain was and that was exactly what you just described about the lack of physical intimacy, etc. in our marriage.
Yes, he was completely and totally wrong in having the A's (pleural I might add) and I do not place the BLAME on me at all in any way, however, HE felt validated in the A's in the fact that he was not getting what he needed at home and that was not just the physical intimacy, but the emotional connection as well.
Now, don't get me wrong, I do not think H was truly RIGHT in any of what he did. He truly could have gone about the whole sitch in a totally different way. Unfortunately, the A's began way back when our 7 yr old son was only about 18 months old. He was deployed, feeling neglected before he left, therefore cheated (supposedly no sex but WHATEVER at this point).
Anyway, I am just so very glad that I had my wake up call and it was in time to work things out and right now all I want is for him to get home (he's again deployed for a year) so we can get on w/ this wonderful, intimate marriage I now want and will work daily for.
I will also add that your W probably has no understanding of how much pain you truly are in daily by the lack of the physical/emotional intimacy. I'm glad things are getting better for you, but I hope that she truly understands what you have been and are going through as far as feeling rejected, lonely in your own home, etc., because I didn't get that until it was almost too late.
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 10/21/0704:15 PM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
