Wow! A real blast from the past. How have you been! You registered on 8/30/05. That was exactly 1 month after the bomb was dropped on me. I will write again about your quote:
If she wails about having to sell the house or pay out to you to keep it then "You chose this." should be simple enough to come out of your lips.
Well, I'm going on vacation tomorrow and probably won't be around much for a week. I started out as USSwede and then morphed into OnTheBeach and now I'm NewHorizon. It's been along two years for me as well, but in a different way and for different reasons. I've sucked up what I can of DB logic and a few other sites and books but it hasn't helped much in my case but I'm willing to trade posts if you feel like it.
My deployment to Iraq ... has given me such a sense of inner peace and satisfaction
Thanks for explaining that all to me. I actually am prior military....many, many years ago! I gave up my career for my H. Silly choice, but hindsight is always better than foresight!
Inner peace and satisfaction--my new quest! Thank you. Take care! Stay safe!
Well, in my new-found aim to act “as if” I will be headed toward a D. when I return home (based on W.s email “my position and feelings toward our M. are the same as they have been for the last several years), some issues to ponder, which may be better answered on the “Divorced” forum, but here goes.
Divorce is not easy on anyone, and kids, particularly older ones suffer tremendously, I believe. That being said:
1. I want no part of being divorced. I have a vote, but it may not count. 2. During this period of separation, I have attended my old house on several occasions, as though everything were “fine”. I got the Christmas tree, dragged down all the ornaments (which absolutely devastated me; memories from 20 years of kids, marriage) and put the tree up “for the kids” in my old house. Went there on Christmas Eve and stayed over for “the kids” 3. Continued to leave my job as soon as possible almost every day to pick up S9 from school, and do homework at my old house, fix meals, put kids to bed, wait for W. to return home on the 3 days I was there (she couldn’t possibly be there when I was), and then stumble home to my cra**y apartment. 4. Go out with D15 for her birthday with the whole family like nothing was supposed to be wrong. 5. Listened to W. say to me when she first wanted a D: “You wouldn’t make your kids move and suffer because of a D, would you?”, meaning that she wanted to of course keep the house for the kids, and keep all the friends we’ve established in 20 years, the fireplaces, the big den…etc, as though I was a criminal.
HERE’S MY QUESTION: I NEVER WANT TO HOLD MY KIDS HOSTAGE, BUT WHEN DO YOU GET TO THE POINT WHERE YOU DON’T GET THE TREE, AGREE TO ALLOW HER TO KEEP THE HOUSE (WITHOUT ME GETTING SOMETHING). OUR LIVES WERE SO CHAOTIC BEFORE I LEFT, IT WAS AWFUL. I ALMOST WISHED THAT I LIVED ABOUT A HALF HOUR AWAY SO THAT I COULD GET ON WITH MY LIFE, BUT I WOULD MISS THE KIDS TERRIBLY. THE FUNNY PART IS, SHE BELIEVES THAT ME WANTING TO SELL THE HOUSE IS BAD FOR THE KIDS.
WHERE DO I STRAT SAYING NO TO AVOID THIS CHAOS WITHOUT HURTING THE KIDS. CHRISTMAS, AMONG MANY OTHER THINGS, KILLED ME, BUT I PUT THE TREE UP EVERY YEAR.
FLTC I had the option of keeping my corporate safe very well paying job and leave my D13 or stay in an RV and do temp jobs. I made the right decision even if I am pond scum according to the rest of the world. Screw them.
Take the pain and make it easier on the kids. I am reestablishing a relationship with my XStep Son over the objections of XW. I will never speak ill of her to him and WILL advise him to take her side reguardless. She is his mother and will encourage good relations.
You are the adult in this situation and what benifits kids will pay off. after 2.5 yrs in a very similar sitch you are in it is paying off. Tons of pain and I mean tons but I never doubted it was worth it.
My Xstepson is looking to enlist. This is the 2nd person this week I have convinced to do so. You know the reasons why we do so you are living them now.
How are your soldiers doing?
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
“You wouldn’t make your kids move and suffer because of a D, would you?”, meaning that she wanted to of course keep the house for the kids
I don't have an answer, but I feel a tiny bit selfish! I am staying in the family home until D16 graduates from high school. However, that was not my original intent. I actually was looking for a smaller place, but my H suggested I stay here. I think that just helps him feel less guilty (and I believe he has moved in with someone anyway).
I wish that the person who wants the divorce would be the one to suffer (i.e. my H asked me for the D, so it's "normal" for him to move out). In your case, it doesn't seem fair! What is best for the children???? If you don't work things out with your W I hope you will find a place where you feel comfortable having your children there. You'll have the opportunity to make NEW MEMORIES with your children! It won't be easy, but it is possible.
Just being away for the holidays won't be easy for you this year. Maybe that is a good transition.
It actually WILL be easy to be away for the holidays. Last Thanksgiving and Christmas were AWFUL. I took the pain as Hill described it. It was terrible being at my house for Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day and then returning to an apartment, leaving my family behind....terrible....... agonizing emotionally. Also, if you can look back at my posts from that time, you will see W.'s anger was debilitating.
It kind of becomes really irritating. I understand the "do it for the kids thing", but if she wanted us to be a family, then let's be a family.
D17 said "Mom's emotions control the family" Why the he** should that be, but it is what it is......
FLTC Since you lead people and the holidays come toward the middle of your tour it's from experience that is the most difficult time for the deployment. As the new year progresses it gets better. I am sure you are not the only one in your unit with these issues it's gonna be rough for them.
An E1-E7 who gets his dear john after deploying or is being made aware of his better half is not waiting patiently often will be the person with toughest time. Many are tough and will suffer in silence others will act out.
The old doc in me is glad you are taking the approach and letting out the steam though this venue. Kudos.
I had good memories of our commander engaging in a firefight to deliver us a hot meal on Thanksgiving and Christmas night saying screw it and screaming Christmas Carols at the top of our lungs on mounted patrol since the bad guys were snuggled in their beds. It was so cold we sang so we would forget about our feet hurting.
May the bad guys get tricked and your Soldiers get the treats.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Thanks, Hill. Hill, was your W. adamant about a D. before you left? I gather from some of you previous posts, it appears that your former W. was married before you as well? I can't believe the whole thing was your fault.
