There and Back, #10

[SallyM]

'morning all. somehow feels right that the last thread locked up. time to start fresh.

the sun is shining, its supposed to be in the 70s today, and woo-hooo! game 7, baby!

H is bringing the kids over this morning, then I need to get them showered and dressed and in a cooperative mood (ack!) for the photo shoot. really hoping we get at least a few good shots. knock wood. would like at least one good one of the kids together, and then a good one of me with them. fingers crossed. toes crossed. we're going to a pretty park around here, so hopefully lots of good opportunities for posed and candids.

going to start my new, "ask how he is/how is work going" bit today. still keeping to don't ask/don't tell about social stuff, but I think that will be okay. I think. we shall see. I still have a hard time knowing what is pursuing and what is simply opening a window.

still wondering why I even want him. and part of me doesn't, but I still can't seem to let him go. so I'm going to work on the assumption that I do until I know my own answer for sure.

[LL44]

Yay, let's leave that last locked thread behind us, shall we?

I am crossing everything that your beautiful kids are angelically smiling right now. How was the drop off? You probably knocked H over with the "How are you?" question. lol!!

HUGS

still wondering why I even want him. and part of me doesn't, but I still can't seem to let him go. so I'm going to work on the assumption that I do until I know my own answer for sure.

I hear ya, boy, do I hear ya.

[SallyM]

thanks, lwb. he kept them a little later today, they were just moving slow. he asked if I had plans with them and I told him about the photo shoot...he was surprised, a little thrown off about it since the person doing the shoot is the wife of a friend of his (I am friends with her, so not weird that I asked her). I think he's just always thrown off when I have plans, and am not just sitting at home. lol.

okay, here is a question. he asked to borrow the oprah tape the other week and took it with him. I haven't asked him about it, but wondering if I should ask if he has watched it yet and what he thought of it? I haven't seen it yet myself.

so should I/shouldn't I?

[LL44]

I wouldn't ask or bring it up, unless you absolutely need the tape back. Of course, I could be totally wrong.

[mkultra]

Agreed. Why push anything on him in regards to R or Div talk? Also, it may instigate a R talk that you may actually have to have with the kids. That is an excrutiating moment, I hear. I never did it as the doctor said. I am still avoiding using the D word with my kids.

Your day sounds great. I would do a 180 from the days of pre separation if possible. Do what works and if it does not after a while try something new. What was communication like pre sep? If you are like most couples you asked about work and he clammed up. I have never met a couple that is any different. Let him pursue you, if not let him open up on his time.

[hiscott]

One of the hardest moments of this separation was explaining it to S11 and S8. We told them together, although she did most of the talking. The message was that mommy and daddy are having trouble getting along with each other and have both decided that it would be better for all if we separated. We dont know what will ultimately happen to our marriage, but we will always love you and make your well being our priority.

I have never said anything specific about what was going on, but they have seen me crying and know that I am not happy with the decision to separate.

[SallyM]

back from the photo shoot and the kids, well, did not do great (s3 was a little stinker), but we'll see how the pics come out. my friend thinks she might have gotten some decent stuff...even if we have to do individual pics for the x-mas card. we had to do this a couple of years ago and it turned out cute. looking forward to seeing what she did get.

now for the bad stuff. H came and dropped the kids off today and things were okay. I was in a good mood, the kids were in a good mood, H even seemed to be in a good mood. then he started in about what I did last night, asked if I watched the game (I did). he automatically assumed I was at some bar with some guy, I didn't tell him I was sitting on my own damn couch alone. he started making snide comments about some of the guys in my cell phone. I didn't even realize he had gotten his hands on it again, and i was completely confused. normally I keep my phone with me at all times and delete the caller ids from it when I know he is coming, but I guess I haven't for a while. then I realized he had gotten his hands on it (apparently when I went downstairs to do laundry thursday night), and I told him to leave his hands off of my cell phone, it is none of his business, etc. He kept making comments so I said, okay, buddy, lets see what's on yours. he didn't have it on him (shocker) so I ran for his car to get it.

yeah, I know, dumb move, but then it became a mission and we were goofing off a bit and boy, I'm guessing there was stuff on that phone he didn't want me to see. I had it at one point, but he's bigger than me by a lot and I didn't have it for long. problem was, well, one thing I have learned is that I can't have physical contact with the man. I can't. I am gross....lets just say it turned into a wrestling match that turned into something else entirely.

what is it with me that if this man gets his hands on me, I can rationalize anything? seriously? its just gross, but at the time, damn it feels good.

this is one of the sickest parts...he started to say her name at one point (switched to mine, but first letter is different). it was toward the end, and I should have just gotten up right then and there, but I didn't. again, gross.

after, we were laying there and talked for a bit. he asked if I was mad, I wasn't ready to even think about it. and honestly, I'm not mad at him for that stuff, I'm mad at me for it. I have only myself to blame. he kept telling me he is confused. I told him yeah, I got that from him. he started asking me about the guys in my phone again, particularly one, and I told him they were none of his business. they aren't. I shot back at him a few questions about OW.

we got dressed and all was okay then he said, "I'm surprised you don't call ow and tell her." ouch. I hadn't even thought about that. funny, he always goes to things that I would never think of (like when I first found out, he was terrified I'd tell their boss, or that I would keep the kids from him). I looked at him like he was crazy, and wanted to throw up a little because I don't want to hear the fear in his voice that i might ruin his thing with her. I told him I never even thought about that...then I said, gee, does he think I should. he quickly said she wouldn't believe me anyway. I just stared at him. and I started to cry...I told him hearing the fear in his voice, his concern about me ruining that relationship for him, just sucked. bad enough we did what we did, bad enough that it was over too soon, but then to end like that was an extra special kick in the gut.

guess if I needed to be cured once and for all, that might have done it.

honestly, though, I think I know to just keep physical distance between us. because I suck.

so that is my update. he is due to call to say goodnight to the kids and I'm going to try to just be back to me again. not going to yell or berate or snark or anything. just lesson learned, once again.

think I'll ever learn it?

[saffie]

I'm sorry it made you feel bad. It does remind him of what he's missing though.

I made sure OW knew when my H and I had ML - Boy did it get a reaction. Even if your H denied it, it would still make her worry. After all if he can cheat on you he can cheat on her. You got to get your sneakiness levels up!!!

Saffie

[SallyM]

saffie, I know the sex is good between us...and I know he misses me a lot in that regard. not enough to keep him from ow, of course, but know that there is something there that he misses.

I don't know how I would let ow know, even if I wanted to. I have her cell number, so I suppose I could leave her a message, but guessing h would flip out. not that I should worry about that, I suppose.

I have no sneakiness levels, apparently. I mean, I guess I could leave a pair of panties in his car. lol.

[saffie]

Personally I think the sex connection is a good one to keep open - as it were - if you can. Especially if it is better you think between you and your H than her and your H. I don't think it hurts to remind H once in a while what he will be losing.

In my sitch the sex side of things was pretty bad for H and OW and that definitely was a plus.

saffie