Just wanted to take a moment from this incredibly crazy busy weekend to leave a note. This weekend I do not have our S's as usual, because I have been working a marathon at work implementing a major project -- one we've been planning and developing for over a year. So W took the boys to the state fair -- wish I could have gone too, but then again I had them for a three-day weekend last week.
Speaking of which, earlier this week I spoke to my brother's wife. She told me she had gotten an email from my W, sent prior to our family get-together at my father's home this past weekend. SIL had not had a chance to read it before this week. Basically W was trying to make me sound as if I was being irrational and damaging to her and our family, by me supposedly putting the extended family and our S's between the two of us. W said in her email that she was fearful of what more harm I might do to our S's -- namely telling them their mother is a lier and denigrating her. She basically warned (threatened) my SIL that she was not going to tolerate any harmful words that might be spoken in front of our S's (either by me or anyone else) during that trip. And then she said something about how I am "so cold and hateful" when I am around her that she always breaks down crying after I finally leave. WTH?!!!
I have to believe that the words written to my SIL were really a poorly disguised attempt to send a message to me. W has already commented to me in private that she thinks my SIL talks too much and can't keep her mouth shut about other people's business, so I would have to think that W expects my SIL to spill the beans. And while SIL did indeed end up sharing the message with me, it was only after SIL asked me first whether I really wanted to hear what W wrote. I almost said no. But since I figure it was a message really meant for me, I figured I might as well know.
So, I see it as just a bunch of Alien Spew (TM) meant to intimidate me through my SIL.
On Friday, I got word from the "grapevine" that W had been to see a L. It is a bit alarming at first blush, but then I've seen a L already myself (as part of my employer's EAP).
Last evening (Saturday) I called to talk to my S's before their bedtime; I also talked to W and I thanked her again for letting me take our S's to see their grandfather last weekend and that I was so glad she got some time to spend with them on such a nice day at the fair. Again, W said "It was the right thing to do."
I then started to mention that I had finally contacted another therapist for S6's Asperger's Syndrome. But W surprised me first by telling me she went to see a L, or in her words "legal counsel". I did not expect her to actually tell me about the visit to the L, but she did. She did however couch it in saying this L was also a mediator and W strongly suggested we opt for mediation. W then suggested we both sign her Separation Agreement. It sounds like this L/mediator might have blessed the SA even though it uses terms unfairly favorable to W at my expense.
I was very calm and nonchalant with her, basically telling W I would like to review anything first before I do anything, especially before agreeing to anything legal. I committed to nothing definite but left her with the possibility of reaching an agreement at some point after careful examination. Yes, stalling tactics.
Then W really tried to get at me and push my buttons. W said, about letting me take our S's on our road trip last weekend, how scared she was, and that she felt getting our custody agreement legalized was now all the more important. I asked her why she said she was fearful. W replied that until recently I was being frequently irrational and unreasonable, and that caused her to fear that I would do something harmful while traveling in another state.
I considered my reply for a moment and said, "So this is a matter of trust in me that is causing you this fear?"
W said yes and repeated that up until recent I have been so irrational and disagreeable.
I paused again and told her I was sorry she feels that way. I didn't press any further. I knew better and remained calm and ignored any bait. My first instinct was to tell her (again) that I am not the one who has been acting untrustworthy and acting unjustly (and that she is the one who is displaying a painful lack in moral integrity). I wanted to tell her that she was constantly assuming the absolute worse about me. I wanted to tell her that my running off with our S's (hiding in another state) would harm me and them more than it would her, and I would never do anything so morally wrong or so hurtful to my children. I wanted to tell her that she has misjudged me and my intentions throughout this entire ordeal. But I knew she would not hear it. I let it go after that.
I think I somehow managed to remain calmly quiet and reserved and ended the conversation in a neutral if not very upbeat, friendly tone. She wasn't getting the fight she would have normally expected.
I am now thinking that something is prompting her actions again. If she was truly scared that I would do something stupid last weekend. Then surely I have now successfully accomplished that which should have allayed those fears? You'd think? In fact, we, the S's and I, had a great trip and I brought our boys right back home all safe and sound. And I and no one in our family said anything at all to our S's about their mother and what was happening to rip their family apart. Nothing was said that would force them to have to "choose between their mother or father", or to cast judgment on their mother's behaviors. The evidence shows that her "fears" were proven unfounded.
No, W is taking a new tact again. She takes any positive actions and behaviors by me as a sign to step up her campaign to end our M.
It makes me wonder. Is there some Anti-DB book out there that the WAS' are following. Because it sure seems sometimes that W is playing the exact opposite approach from DB/DR.
