Now I've done it.... again #4?

[LL44]

I'm a little frustrated. I've been thinking (I know, but bare with me). He comes over here and acts like he is doing me some big favor by forgiving ME for my shortcomings and considering coming home. Am I missing something here? Shouldn't he be trying to get back into my good graces?

lmfao! I loved your "Am I missing something here?" OMG so funny. Scary enough, but I think those exact thoughts. Your H is still waffling, but I think he is coming closer to you. He is just scared.

PS: Size 4 = skinny hot mama!

[nephartiti]

Ok, Maybe I'm not FAT, but still flabby around the middle. :P


Feeling unsure of myself today. I hate this feeling.I have to nip it in the bud because it so easily goes to obsessing about what he is doing.

I'm trying to just let go and have "faith". It's hard. I do believe he was being sincere the other day. I just think there are other forces at work here. Tuesday he left saying he would be coming every 1-2 days, and he hasn't even called.

Trying not to obsess. I just have this fear that he is getting an apartment with OW and not by himself. Just a fear. I have to let it go at that. If it turns out to be true, there is nothing I can do about it.

I just keep thinking about Sting. The deeper he gets, the harder he'll hold on. Yet he says there is no one.

OK, STOP. Re-focus.

I'm going to shower, take care of some business. Then it's off to the farmer's market. Later, we are supposed to go to SIL's (Lord help me keep the convo off H) to help get ready for the party tomorrow.

Have a great Saturday everyone!

[hiscott]

Agreed. No one in a size jeans is fat. It is amazing how this stress can help you lose weight. I've lost 25 pounds and I was a tall skinny guy to start with. I need to figure out how to put on some pounds without eating junk. My appetite just isnt there.

[mkultra]

Sorry So Long But You Asked Why You Were Being So Maochistic. It is because you are a human being.Understanding Masochism: Why We
Keep Banging Our Head Against A Wall…
In the 1950’s, I struggled to understand masochism. Psychoanalysts said pain becomes a
pleasure, but they didn’t explain how it becomes a pleasure. I asked some of them if pain
becomes a pleasure, why doesn’t all pain become a pleasure so we have no pain left over?
People who are depressed or are anxious are in pain. Why doesn’t that pain change into a
pleasure? Of course, there’s no explanation for it.
Psychologists said it’s a matter of not knowing a better way. That didn’t explain everything
to me. For example, I’m banging my head against a wall to produce a painting. Say I’ve got
a bare wall in my office and I need a painting. So I’m banging my head against the wall to
produce a painting.
Now, it never produces a painting, but I persist in banging my head against the wall.
Psychologists say, “Poor Homer! It’s because he doesn’t understand and doesn’t know about
paint brushes and paint sprays.” Well, that explains why I don’t use paintbrushes and paint
sprays, but it does not explain why I don’t stop banging my head against the wall. And it’s
quite observable, quite provable that people do bang their head against the wall and keep
doing it.
So why do I bang my head against the wall, even though it causes me to feel depressed and
cry, and I persist in doing it? Because simultaneously with my banging my head against the
wall, I’m patting myself on the head. So I’m giving myself ego satisfaction.
Another metaphor. I keep reaching my hand into a hot oven. My hand burns and I’m crying
about it, but I keep putting my hand in the hot oven because there is a bite of food there.
There’s a bite of pie. If there’s no pie at all, I don’t do it. There’s got to be a bite of pie. So I
have people see that there’s a whole lot more pie on top of the stove, and you don’t get
burned.
I was explaining to a psychologist who was in for marriage counseling in my office years ago,
I said, “I just finished with a client. He’s staying with his wife, who has open contempt for
him.” I said, “I’ve discovered that the less love that a man has received from his wife, the
more he’ll cling. And the more love that he’s received from her, the more he’s able to let go.”
I told this particular client, “Jeff, imagine that my office here is full of refrigerators. They’re
glass refrigerators, so you can look inside and see most of them have good food in it and the
doors swing open easily. But there’s a refrigerator over here open easily. But there’s a
refrigerator over here that has bad food in it and the door is stuck, and you’re fascinated with
that refrigerator. And you say that you’re clinging to that refrigerator because you’re hungry
for food. No way. You subconsciously want pain.”

[mkultra]

Neph, I wanted to rip a new one when I thought your H did that to S9 too! Aren't we bad. That is why it is so impotant to give them the benefit of the doubt. Make it a practice. If he is standoffish (is that a word?) then you can just assume it is because he is testing out your waters to see if you are angry. DBing is such a tight rope. Sometimes it is hard to know if we are supposed to be postive, confidant humble, but overall I am not sure if a entiltement and DB go hand in hand. It may take a little humbleness (is that a word?) to DB sometimes. We may have to carry the load, like Donna and OT mentioned, until the WAS is strong enough to pick up the slack later after Piecing. Still there are no guarantees but you have done so WELL!!! You are on your way to becoming one of those success stories on the forum. Truly well done.

I am aslo down two or three sizes but I am less confident about me body. I think it has something to do with being single. I used to have a H who worshipped my size 12 body and the fact that I pushed out his proginy from this goddess body. Now I feel empty about my size 7 body with my boobs that nursed for 4 years and my tummt with stretch marks for my babies. sigh. I feel like what otherman should ever see me naked but he has seen another person naked nightly for seven months or more!!! Crazy!

[nephartiti]

Thank you, MK for taking the time to type all that good stuff. I can see that. My "pie" is a little attention from H, even if it is negative. It allows me to keep a connection, even if unhealthy. Sooooo, I have to make a concious decision not to settle for negative unhealthy attention and connections. That is not the type of MR that I want to save. If we are going to make it, I must focus my attention on positive and healthy interaction.

I know I have to accept that I have to do the bulk of the work here and accept his current stae of mind. That doesn't mean I like it.

I agree about the self esteem/self worth thing. It's hard to feel attractive when you feel so rejected by someone you loved and trusted.



Hiscott, I suggest protein shakes three times a day in addition to three healthy meals. Then you get yourself to the gym and start on some weights.

[SallyM]

hi neph,

wow, am I glad to read that about H not doing that to yoru 9 year old. lol about your s saying, "play drums" very cute, that.

size 4, you hottie you. I, myself have never seen that number. ever. even at my skinniest. my butt does not allow for it, no matter how little weighed or how stressed. although honestly, I'm in a 6 now, and I feel fat, even though I know logically a size 6 is not. but I still feel it.

okay, stop, re-focus...I like that and need to do it, too.

[nephartiti]

Ok, I need some feedback on something.

You all know how much anxiety I have had re: H and money.

H is currently spending. He knows there are bills, but none of the details. Now he has supposedly gotten a new apartment, a new credit card, a new cell phone. He has to be able to budget his money. I am a but of a control freak and have been managing all the bills and accounts. He has been spending blindly.

I was thinking of (gasp) giving him the password to the online banking so that he can monitor. Plus a list of the bills that are still paid out of that account so that he can budget. It seems like this should be a no brainer, but it is out of my comfort zone. I guess it needs to be done. He needs to be able to do this for himself.

I guess the real question is when do I do this? I am sitting dark at the moment. H took the money out for an apt, but I don't have confirmation that he actually got one. Maybe I should just wait a little longer before jumping the gun... Or maybe it would be a good gesture regardless.

I am putting a minimum 48 hr wait on this, but I would appreciate any feedback

[SallyM]

I wish I knew the answer, neph. my h has been spending blindly, too. its driving me crazy, because I have always done the accts and such. and yeah, i guess I've become a bit of a control freak about it. but when I first got together with him, I realized pretty quickly that his style of personal accounting was if the atm said he had money in the acct, well, he could go ahead and take it. scary to me. I think we really need to sit down and figure out bills and such. I still do most of them, but he does his new car payment and cell phone and now a credit card he opened for work stuff only (he gets reimbursed, instead of like his old job that had a company card). he just needs to tell me the amounts, and trust me, I will be watching how much he pays on the cc and how much he gets from the new company.

I'll tell you, too, its been my habit to pull our credit histories yearly. he knows I do this, and i have continued to and have online monitoring on his. so honestly, there isn't much he can hide from me, which is good, because I don't trust him with money. doesn't matter how much he makes...he makes a good chunk of change right now. he has yet to make an amount that he won't meet or exceed if given the chance.

so no advice, just sympathy.

btw, do you think giving him the password and bill info would help? not sure my h would even pay attention, to tell you the truth. we monitor it (you and I) because it is our nature to. can't expect the same from H's who are not like that.

it might not be bad to sit down and go over the budget if you are concerned about making ends meet.

[Dr LOve]

nephartiti
,

How is the California Meet and greet comming along?

Husband