More complicated than I imagined...

[ediemarie]

Hi Mcc -
I just read your sitch, briefly, my H has bounced in and out of an EA/PA since 12/05. Things are finally clearing up a bit and we are working things out...I can identify with alot of what you have said and have been debating. The only advice I can offer is that you have to be constant. Your W is bouncing in and out - it appears - but for the sake of your kids and for the sake of your marriage, you have to be the one that is the "adult" in this situation. IMO, you should at some point in time, and soon, let your W know that you don't plan on going anywhere. You do not want a D, you want her, and you want to work things out. You are willing to do what it takes because you love her and your children. If she doesn't feel the same, she needs to take steps to move on. She should move out, or out of the bedroom, but you need to be clear with her that she shouldn't go around telling people that you accept her behavior or the fact that your M is over. This doesn't have to be a huge R talk. You could put this in a letter, you could tell her how you feel and then just validate her response without having a huge conversation. Once you have said this, you should focus on you. GAL, focus on your kids and live your life. I wouldn't bring up OM or the game, you are just going to have to live your life as you had been prior to the bomb, meaning that you should wear your wedding band and maintain a presence in your home. If there are things you have reconized about yourself that you need to change, work on changing them - for YOU, not to get your wife back. I wouldn't engage her in R talks unless she brings them up and even then spend most of your time listening, and reiterating that you want her, love her, and desire to work out your marriage. But, you will not be a doormat and then communicate the boundaries you require for the two of you to continue living under the same roof.

I know this is so much easier said than done. It's not easy to "sit around" and wait for the S to figure his/her crap out - but I will tell you that my H recently told me that he is thankful and appreciative of my devotion to him and to our M as well as impressed with the steps I have taken in evaluating who I am, and making necessary changes for my benefit. It took awhile for him to say it, but there was a time when I believed those words were never going to come from his mouth.

Hang in there!
Em