Well I guess it's more appropriate to move over here now. W and I decided the other day to do a separation. We're going to get an apartment walking distance from our house and swap places. Since she is taking night classes I will be at the house monday evening through thursday evening and her on F - S.
Quick recap... Been 3.5 months since W told me how unhappy she was, but was committed to working things out. After 2 months of me doing ineffective things she said she was done. Has never said she wanted a divorce and has only used the D word once, saying 'If we divorce I would want 50/50 custody with the kids'. No D talk at all other than that. She says she still loves me, still cares about me, still enjoys being with me and is still attracted to me. Never got the ILYBNILY or any other similar statements, she has always said that she still loves me. Her complaint is that I have been withdrawn and emotionally unavailable and she feels that I can never change and can never be what she needs, and that's why she is done.
I agreed to the separation, because we're stagnant and getting nowhere. I told her I'd like us to set a time limit to work on the M and attend counseling, and she said she couldn't do that. In light of that, I agreed to the separation since if she's not willing to work on the M I only see things getting worse by being in the same house. I also do feel that being apart will help me to work out my issues without so much pressure on me and fear of screwing up.
When we had our separation talk she openly expressed her doubts. She said that yes, she doubts her decision and she wants to believe things could be different. She said that it's really hard to get over years of feeling neglected and hurt and lonely. She said that she feels like I've been like this for so long that I won't be able to change. There is still a lot of love and when we go out together we have a fantastic time. I can tell at times she wants to be affectionate and close but she holds back because she's afraid to feel close, like it will just get her back into our unhappy M.
That's where we stand. Any advice on how I proceed? I do feel somewhat lucky as she still says she loves me and has never mentioned a divorce. We also still enjoy each other's company. She said that she would still like to talk and go on dates. She has given me a roadmap on exactly what she needs from me and obviously I need to do everything in my power to get there ASAP, which is part of why I feel like separation is good because when we're together it's so hard to not get overly focused on not screwing up and what I should be doing at any moment to work on our M. I need some me time to work out myself.
My concern is, how do I relate all of this to DB terms? This isn't the typical situation where W wants a divorce, doesn't love me, not in love with me, not attracted to me, determined to end it, etc. It's more of a situation where she loves me but I have to prove to her that things could be different before she will commit to the M.
In light of all that, do I avoid calling her and do the answer only some of her calls thing? Do I still wait for her to pursue me, or do I make some effort to continue to show her I'm not giving up? Do I play a little hard to get and make her wonder what I'm up to? Would it be ok to leave little gifts at the shared apartment to show I'm thinking of her (little things, not big I love you gifts)?
I'm not sure about how to play these details...
Things I know I am going to do:
- GAL big time - Work on being more open with her about my feelings and thoughts - Work on being supportive, listening without trying to fix her problems - Continue with my IC - Continue to flirt as she is flirty and we still flirt pretty heavily these days
Any other ideas on what I should be doing?
Next Wed. we're going to key west on a couples trip. I expect we'll have a great time, good conversations and fun together but no real affection or closeness. After that, back home and start our new shared apartment...
