You won't believe it. Following the honesty policy, my husband came to me today and said he wanted to get clean. He thought I was still bothered and that he wanted to end all my doubts once and for all because he felt he was loosing me for good. He showed me his credit card statement and told me while I was on a business trip last month he hired a call girl to to see if the sex problem was mine or his. He said he couldn't get any pleasure, that he actually could not get it going because he thought of me. He said he felt terrible and low and that he could not do that anymore or ever again. He said he couldn't believe he did that but he figured it out that the male validation issue is an illusion and that he had a very precious thing at home. He said he wants to rebuild our marriage but would understand if after this I wanted to leave but thinks that although I may feel very wounded by it he is sure now that he wants me and wants to be married with me and that by doing that he had a breakthrough. He also said he has no continuous affair.
Guess my gut feeling was right. There was still a bomb coming. He was too concerned with me and started to look after me physically again these days, now I can see why. I do not know what to do. I don't feel anything but numbness and clouds in my head. I was so shocked I could not cry and still can't, it's just this unbelievable pain in my chest. It's like something broke inside of me. I feel devastated but the weird thing is that I feel relieved that he confirmed to himself the sex problem was his not mine. Also for the first time my gut feeling sensed honesty coming from him. I am disappointed it had to come to this point so he could appreciate me.
But how can I trust him ever again and cope with this huge bomb? Despite his words seems to be a love declaration how can one forgive without going nuts for the next days? Should I trust him? Or this confession has to do with the fact he thought I was going to discover this too? Well, I am so in pain I do not know what questions I should be asking myself right now.
I would also appreciate some help from a male perspective.
